DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

A really interesting perspective from fragile.

scottishmummy: adults can and do revisit decision made,its not irreversible

I totally agree scottishmummy, except for the problem that the OP is more than half-way through her studies for a PHD.

She probably is 'cracking on' as fast as she can, given her childcare responsibilities...

What responsibilitie?none? they're at school?and she uses after school as required
That's a massive swathe of time without the kids.to study uninterrupted
Theyre not poor,they dan purchase whatever childcare they need

MAYBE the 2 days unpaid work needs to be sacrificed for some paid work?

Those 2 days are part of her training.

equally scottishmummy they can afford for her to do a phd

Well, on that case she obviously is working as fast as circumstances allow...

You can't agree for your partner to go for a particular qualification & then renege half the way through.

If she gave up her course now all those years of work would be wasted and she would have failed to retrain for a new career.

I gave examples of my friends: if the one friend had forced her husband to stop his PhD and get a job, he wouldn't have the academic post he holds now, nor the opportunities for work that stem from that. If the other, who retrained as a doctor, had been forced to give that up, she wouldn't have the good post she has as a consultant anaesthetist and wouldn't be able to fund her husband's second degree.

It's immensely short-sighted and anti-intellectual to think that the OP should just ditch her training and get any old job.

Yes its advisable to complete,given she started and has the free time and he pays fees
She fortunate having so much time,and kids at school,that huge swathe time to study
However he isn't unreasonable,as sole earner is big responsibility and she has it cushy

scottishmummy I know you said you have a phd yourself, but as someone who does not I certainly think studying for one isn't 'cushy' in conjunction with running two households and caring for 3 kids.

Also, in these type of cases it's always made out the SAHM is onto a cushy number as soon as the kids reach all at school age, and the very tough imo baby and toddler years are airbrushed from history. Also, caring for kids after school and in holidays (long in private schools) is a very valid thing too. Why should the kids miss out on the opportunity to have a parent around, just for the sake of chasing yet more £££

why should one partner (in a partnership presumably hmm) have to pick up the financial stress and responsibility for the other one without a genuinely mutual and constantly re-visited agreement?

Because otherwise they would have to pick up some of the stress of looking after children. They have to choose one or the other, can't have both!

When you get a job, I doubt things will change if you can't match his salary or outearn him. Instead of hearing "Well, I work and you don't" you are likely going to hear "well, I'm the main provider in this family - if you don't like xyz why don't you go out and work 12 hour days, take on a high pressure role like mine etc". When mine were little my H once said to me in an argument "Don't you ever make the mistake of thinking that running after the kids and doing stuff around the house is as important as my job" and he meant it - they honestly don't see it as work. They expect it to be done of course (sparkling housework, kids doing well at school -which requires a lot of homework support and extra activities in the afternoons, nutritious meals) but you'll get no credit for it. It's really depressing.

it seems like they want the SAHP to have all the stress of the baby and toddler years then as soon as things get slightly easier return to previous FT post and also look after dcs for the 16 weeks school hols and when ill and so on or fix up childcare as well as running the home(s)

funnily enough, the SAHP will find their employment prospects massively diminished. So it's not as simple necessarily as just revisiting the original agreement, because things have changed, based on what was agreed between the two of them, in good faith

yes mimi they are the important people and earning money is the only worthwhile thing anyone can do

I have a PhD and so do many of my work colleagues. I have never met anyone who considered a undertaking a doctorate as "cushy", even in circumstances where they were not also trying to juggle part-time work and childcare commitments.

scottishmummy if you are not just shit-stirring for the hell of it and you genuinely believe that the OP is on a cushy wicket, then you are either an amazing intellect or, contrary to your assertion, you have not done a PhD.

scottishmummy, you can't even punctuate a sentence. I would be very surprised if you understood how much work is involved in completing a doctorate.

Op, there are some very unhelpful comments on this thread. My friend was in the same position as you last year (i.e. three children, workaholic DH on six figure salary who doesn't lift a finger at home, etc.) yet she was 'only' finishing off her degree. Life was a bit stressful!

If it were me, I would bring it up when he is least expecting it. Make a plan and write it all down; when you plan to start working and every single that you do at home/for the children. Split it 50/50 down the middle and tell him this is how it is going to be when you go back to work. I think he is in for a big surprise!

I've worked for bosses like your DH. They work very hard and long hours and expect everyone to do the same forgetting that the rest of us have to go home and load the washing machine, do the ironing, change the bed, mow the lawn.... I've always said I would bloody love a stay at home wife!!! Oh, to come home to a clean and tidy house and dinner on the table!

scottishmummy At the top of page 7 you say:

'Yes and adults can and do revisit decision made,its not irreversible
It may have been right 7yr ago.its not mutually agreeable now
So they need to revisit the decision and she needs to crack on with the career plan'

The implication is: revisit the decision, reverse it and the OP 'crack on' with her career.

When I pointed out that would be counterproductive, you then say:

'Yes its advisable to complete,given she started'

So which is it?

Totally agree with you caspar

you've selected responses to various questions.thats how threads proceed,at pace
it was suggested decision made 7 yr irreversible,and he should suck it up
Yes she should finish but i wholly see why he is vexed.she needs to finish to contribute and share responsibilities

So if we have established that she should finish her doctorate and that she will get a job afterwards (as she said in her very first post), what is the point of her DH throwing her lack of paid employment in her face at any opportunity?

Or, a I suspect, is it a case of there will always be 'something', even when she is in employment again?

Is this still rumbling on, I agree with scottishmummy a decision taken seven years' ago isn't set in stone. But it doesn't sit right if you make your DP feel they have been sponging off you or they somehow diddled you out of something like a door to door salesman flogging a dodgy lawnmower.

They are married, they have a family, apparently complement each other. Nobody tricked him into working, she's not profligate or idle.

I am starting to think he used this argument once, saw it touched a nerve, now wheels it out every time he feels defensive and uses it to keep OP in line.

If I said I was quitting now I think DH would go nuts. After all this time and expense. So that isn't an option. I do need to crack on though and much as it pains me I can see the scottishmummy side of the argument too. Helps me to see DH point of view. And I appreciate that an agreement once does not mean an agreement for life.

I used to work four days a week in a male dominated company. They all thought I sat around on the sofa on a Friday eating chocolate.

I would go back to work full time at the earliest opportunity and I would make sure the division of labour was split equally with 'D'H. Men do not take roles that are traditionally women's seriously because it all happens seemlessly without a fuss. His attitude might change when he realises he has no clean pants, shirts ironed or Frosties for breakfast.

Agree with what the others have said in that the next problem will be that you don't earn enough. He sounds very entitled. Does he have an army of minions at work?

Bit garbled but you know what I mean!