DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

If you compare that to full time work you're going to come off better. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but I, personally, would have a problem with that.

So how would this workaholic manage his children and house and life if he didn't have a wife to do it for him? I certainly don't buy the argument that one of you is working and one of you isn't, even leaving aside the fact a lot of your work is professional development.

As you note, if you go back to work full time you will still have all the same responsibilities you have now - you may choose to outsource more of them to a third party but the one person who definitely won't be picking up the slack is your so-called life partner.

I think this is just a stick you beat you with. If you went back to work it would change to: your work doesn't earn enough, I am subsidising our life, standards are slipping at home because you're prioritising your work over your other responsibilities [like he does, in other words]. Etc.

I think you need to ask him the question from your first post, straight out and to the point: Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

But she is studying for a phd which will lead to a new career while working two days a week and juggling three children - that's no mean feat. So she is pulling her weight and will be earning again in the near future.

She's hardly sitting around painting her nails all day.

Those of you who think he is right to be resentful - what do you think she should be doing?

I don't think he's right to be resentful, I can understand why he might be though, as I said earlier. I'm coming at this from the other angle (but nowhere near the same financial state) of the person in the relationship who earns far more than the other. We both have very, very full on full time jobs, a small child and we manage our home as best we can. If my husband didn't work as hard as he does I would resent him. That might make me a bad person but I'm pretty self aware and I know that's how I'd feel.

Also self aware enough to realise that there is some envy of your lifestyle colouring my view!!

I don't get this being the sole earner is stressful thing. I am a lone parent, and even though their Dad looks after them once a week and gives me approx £300 pm, I of course have to earn money, arrive at work at the appropriate times after dropping off kids, arrange child care, remember school trips, organise packed lunches, arrange pick ups, tidy house, wash clothes, get shopping etc etc etc.

And of all those things the actual work is the least stressful (yes it has it's stresses and strains, but they are all if a certain kind, they're not unpredictable and out of control like children)

Those dads who work, and have someone at home to sort out everything else really don't know how lucky they have it! He should be appreciative, respectful, supportive and courteous. He should treat you like a Queen! End of! Make sure he knows this OP.

Did DH realise that you'd be taking 10 years or so off work? He might just be wanting to vent his stress about his job, you know. Have you asked him what can change to make his life easier - that might improve relations between you both.

I keep reading your op to try and work out what the problem is for your husband that the solution is you going to work sooner than the plan you have in place.

Is he wanting to scale back his job?

There's a huge difference between earning to keep yourself and child and being the sole earner when there is another adult in the household that could share that burden. Why on earth should she be treated like a queen for looking after her own children??

The husband is unhappy, perhaps he never signed up to be the sole earner for so long, perhaps he has changed his mind. Should only the OP be happy?

I'm training to go back to work. DH now realises he isn't free to please himself where work is concerned. He needs to keep to schedules, can't suddenly decide to work late of stay away, has to spend his weekends doing half the housework.

Home is now also a place of work for him whereas before is was leisure. Speaking of leisure, he has less leisure time and we have less quality time as a couple and as a family.

He'd be more than happy to continue to indulge in his work and for me to remain either not in paid work or part time. When I've trained I'll be starting my own business to allow him to continue to commit as much as he wants to his work. Our marriage and lives are both better for it and we are lucky this is possible.

You are working, and it sounds like you are working bloody hard. You just aren't being paid. He doesn't seem to understand this.

happymummy how is it going to help the OP's dh if she goes back to work full time. Her earning capacity is not the issue here, as they have plenty of money. He's not seeking to reduce his hours.
I can't see how he's going to be less stressed by having to chip in with household/childcare responsibilities and nor will he be less stressed by simply having a bit more money, especially as OP is lower earner and they will have to pay childcare. Unless he's expecting her to run the houses, look after three children and him and work full time

happymum- yes, you're right it's different. When there is another adult in the house who is looking after everything to keep house and kids running smoothly, it is all so much easier!

He should be appreciative, in the same way she is duly appreciative for the efforts he makes as sole earner. It's the partnership that allows it all to work. It's not all about the cash that one brings in, it really isn't.

CrotchMaven - no he has no intention of scaling back his job. I think he is quite happy and stimulated at work, albeit stressed. He is quite an anxious type, likes everything under control, and it would all be so much simpler in his eyes if I was earning money and not spending it, I do sympathise with this view, I really do. But I have come this far with my training I just want to complete.

I appreciate the different perspectives. It's interesting that not everyone is in accordance on this. We have had a bit of a clear the air discussion on this today and I hopefully that was helpful.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

This was the bit that stuck out for me. TBH Inthink it does sound v unrealistic-expecting him to have an extremely well paying job and also expecting him to have weekends off and a shorter working day. When you ,express concern' are you sure it doesn't just feel like moaning/nagging to him?

The above paragraphs reads to me that you are really unsupportive of his job yet you say you are supportive -just express concerns to him. You say he feels you are unsupportive of his work? perhaps that is what you need to resolve together then. he needs to support you as a working/studying SAHM and you need to support him more in terms of not expecting his work to just stop at weekends etc.

Glad to hear you talked it through and it is looking more positive.

Sounds like the type who will complain even more when you do start full-time work and expect him to do half the household chores/rearrange working hours for childcare pickups etc

You do realise that, everything that you wrote, about the lifestyle, being comfortably off, can potentially go down if he is ill ?

To me, his resentments, and his "anxiety" and his "controlling type" equates to stress. Yet, you continue to "praise" him verbally by telling him your feelings, but you fail to as a couple mitigate the risk of him being burnt out and both of you losing everything.

He is a workaholic as you say, and this is not a good place to be. So he is a workaholic, and uses hobbies to ground himself from the stress of his work rather than changing the nature of his work. Yet, you do not seem to reduce and mitigate the spending on the home front, so that he can have the luxury to turn down a stressful job, but your added pressure of asking him to reduce his hours (which is not possible if you earn a certain high level) is almost asking for trouble to be honest. Either he turns down the job, of which it will mean that your empire and comfortable lifestyle will go.

Won't you consider reducing your assets or consolidating something and making your money earn for you than to spend as outgoings ???

To me, your DH a man who is curting that fine line of being burnt out.

TheEnchantedForest - it is possible that I come across a little passive aggressive in my "support" and I think DH feels this. Something we just have to work out I guess. I can't help wishing he was a bit more available to the family sometimes. I think I will aim to convey this in an honest and loving way rather than a passive aggressive critical way.

I would love to consolidate Maisie. He wanted a holiday home which adds approx 150k of debt plus various additional bills council tax etc. This is a big drain, I think it's bonkers, but the argument from him went, "'I work so hard and this is what I want"

As for burn out, yes it is a risk, I hear you. He can't go on like this indefinitely.

As for the burnt out. It is not a "risk" per se, as it is already "is". The point is, when will he crash ? If he resents now, then it means that he may have this in his heart and this will indeed affect both of you on a relationship level. He may resent now, but will it turn into regret and then a possible break up ??

I would stand firm and push for consolidation and reduce further debts. An asset that does not turn over money and generate profit is still a debt. It can depreciate as well, as I am sure that you know.

I think this all goes much deeper than just you getting a job, but unless you are both willing to have in-depth conversations about where you're going , what you both want from life and how you're going to get there, what kind of family life you want etc etc, resentment is just going to keep building.

Before everyone jumps to the defence of poor stressed DH.

My DH has a great work ethic and packs as much work into a typical week as he can. He finds it difficult to unwind and be on holiday. Years' ago I realised he needs that buzz of being busy. Can it be your DH strange as it sounds, actually thrives on a degree of stress in his life?

Stress isn't always negative. It can be motivating and inspiring. Accomplishing a challenge, hitting a target, beating a rival: the extra energy/adrenaline rush of excitement or enthusiasm is a type of stress is calledeustress.

Eustress is good stress that provides that sense of challenge and motivation that can lead to greater performances. The individual feels alert, focused. Think of athletes, dancers, creatives; wheelerdealers, top executives, entrepreneurs.

How much easier to achieve and concentrate when you have your OH in support whether as another earner or in SAHP's case, dotting the I's and crossing the t's at home. Handling the minutiae which when effectively dealt with never seem like a big or time-consuming deal.

OP I think you are right to adapt another technique when commiserating or boosting DH but let's not pretend he isn't getting a lot out of his professional life.

And when you get your doctorate I hope he is proud of you and ready to adjust when you work outside the home.

It is very stressful when you are the sole earner, and more so when you have huge overheads. I am a single (divorced) mother with two small children, get no support (financial or other) from their father, and I work in a high-pressure job. And I have another 15-20 years ahead of me of having to support the children, pay for school fees, etc. And I manage the household single-handedly. And have to be available for school events, doctor visits, etc. And I want to spend the most possible time with my children - be there for them mornings, evenings, weekends, take time off for as many school holidays as I can. And the only way I can manage all that is by letting my work spill over into evening, weekends, holidays - checking emails, making phone calls, etc. This is not being a workaholic, this is just the way to make one's life work.

In certain kinds of jobs, especially the ones that pay well, the boundaries do have to blur and that is often the compromise you have to make to just be there more physically with the family.

It's easy to say one could just give up the job and earn less doing something more relaxed, but one also has the pressure of thinking - what if I drop dead tomorrow? I want to have enough savings to provide for my children/family in case anything happens and allow them to maintain the same lifestyle, pay for education, etc.

It sounds from OP's post that he might think she doesn't appreciate the efforts/sacrifices that he has made (or thinks he has made) to give her and the family a comfortable life. And that OP feels he doesn't value the efforts she has made to keep their family together and the household running. Sounds like there is a communication issue.