DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

tumbletumble, could you say more about the marriage course, who runs them and how they are administered? (worksheets? )

Here's a link

There is a religious element to it but it's not shoved down your throat iyswim.

OP I think you are very sensible to consider your own actions and attitudes as well his - after all, the only behaviour you have the power to change is your own.

Events in my own marriage a while back led me to really think about the dynamic between me and my DH. I came to the conclusion that although many of his actions stem from selfishness and self-absorption, my response to conflict was also dysfunctional. I deliberately set out to change the way I responded to some of his behaviour, and that has had the effect of resulting in fewer arguments and also less resentment on my part because I am more realistic about what to expect from him. I'm not suggesting that I am perfect (far from it) or that all is now rosy (again, far from it), but I personally found the exercise of questioning me own responses beneficial.

Good on you OP!

my own responses, even

I love your post, OP.

Well said op.

Ok,there is love,there is regard.that positive. The task is reduce the strife
Feel more like equal partners,both making contribution,both happy
Yiu finish soon,think of cv,what jobs you want,potential employers,take an interview skills class

OP you sound very switched on and reasonable to me. It's great that you're taking as balanced a view of the situation as possible and I hope you find some resolution.

One thing I would beware of however is doing more than your 50 percent in your relationship. This is something I learned the hard way. I know relationships have ups and downs and at those times one partner can give more, fine. But if one is always contributing way more to the relationship/family it can get out of kilter. I appreciate your dh contributes money but that seems to be it. I'm just saying I suppose that I hope he's equally taking 50 percent of responsibility for improving/fixing things, otherwise it's just you contributing yet more

Sadly that won't necessarily fix things. You have to have give and take. You seem to be giving an awful lot, and he's accusing you just of taking.

I'd consider marriage counselling in this scenario tbh.

Apologies if this has been mentioned up thread - I have read it over the course of a couple of days but can't remember if it has.

OP it may be worthwhile doing the maths now about what your household income is likely to increase to once you finish your doctorate and get a job. Work out what it would be f/t and p/t once you take increased child care into account and add on cost of a cleaner, someone to do the ironing etc.

It seems your DH may have thought of a figure that is higher than what is actually likely once you are working, probably by not taking child care expenses into the equation.

Then once you have an actual figure it's something to discuss with him so he has a more realistic idea of how much the family income will go up once you are working - I suspect it's not enough to finance all the luxuries that he sees as necessity.

He also needs to consider that your DCs will need to be in childcare more often and longer, and that he will need to be involved in pick ups and drop offs at the very least on a occasional basis to facilitate your working.

As others have said, his stress level won't go down, if anything it will go up as all the invisible back of house production and support work that you do to allow him to work such long hours with a young family, becomes obvious.

I'm not saying you shouldn't work, but some people seem to think that the only form of contribution to a household is paid employment, whereas there is also child care and all the dull stuff such as making sure there is milk in the fridge, meals on the table, bills are paid, house isn't dirty enough to attract rats.

You sound like you have your head switched on though.