DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

Seriously nofrump, I think I do get it really. He is resorting to shitty tactics to win arguments, as I said right from the start. He doesn't do this all the time. When he's rational, he doesn't think like this. It's an emotional reaction to stress, like the reaction of a self-centred little child inside who thinks "what about me" and "it's not fair". So it's not so much his default attitude, but it's his emotional attitude, rather than his developed-brain attitude.

By the way he thinks we do need the money. We have high outgoings and month to month, it's fairly tight. We are asset rich, cash poor. If I say, but what about the holiday house, we could use that money... he argues that it's not income, it's capital.

I must say I think my PIL every day for the type of husband I have. FIL is a very successful businessman, one of the top in his field in the world, and he publicly credits his wife for his success because without her support he could not have had his success.

DH also has this view. He KNOWS his income is only possible because I am there to do the majority of the childcare and keep the household running.

Our income is erratic but whenever he gets money, a large chunk is transferred over to my account, to do whatever I need/ want to. If I need or want more, I ask for more, without having to explain myself. But more often than not I don't have to ask for more, it's just there. He doesn't begrudge me a penny. In his eyes it's 'our' money. He trusts me, and I trust him. If I wanted to be take more control he'd be more than happy for me to.

You have created a lifestyle for which you need ridiculous means just to scrape by. You have compounded this by adding debt at what, I suspect, will be a bad time as interest rates will start heading upwards in a year or two. Holiday homes are wonderful vanity projects but really for the super rich I.E those who are not concerned month to month REGARDLESS of assets.

If you want to have a happier life, simplify your lifestyle and create a comfortable cash cushion giving you both more options career wise.

Relationship wise, for what it is worth, I can see both sides. He is in a World of stress while you appear, at least, to have a comfortable lifestyle. On the other hand, if you both agreed to certain roles, he is being unfair pressurising you to change now.

I wonder between the children, the housework/admin, the volunteering, the post grad and the 7-7 working day plus triathlon training, what the daily cost per visit to the holiday home will be at the end of the first year....... ?
Yes, all going well with the property market it creates a capital asset but there are other less stressful ways to invest one's spare cash and get a reasonable return.

I've come back to this thread over the last few days.

Our lives/lifestyles are very similar. Except I'm not studying.

Your DH sounds mean to me. I agree with the poster who said he just wants you to be as stressed as him. There is no way out of this for you - when you have finished studying and started working, he won't suddenly be happy, will he? Your not working is a red herring.

I think the two questions are:

'How would he like his own working life to change?'

'What would be his own role/contribution within a household with two working parents?'

If he can only respond with bluster/inability to recognise the possibility of change, then I think it is a sign that this is more about a 'stick to beat you with' than really about the money/contribution.

My own example, further upthread shows how the goalposts can shift even when a previously non-working spouse goes back to work - it all becomes about the fact that your income is lower...

A couple of weeks ago my DH made a joke about how he would throw me out of the house for something minor I planned to do that he did not agree with. Comic exaggeration? Yes. In the context of his previous rhetoric, not so funny...

You have created a lifestyle for which you need ridiculous means just to scrape by.

larrygrylls I think most people do live according to their income, whether that is large or small. If a family's income is £100,000pa, it is unlikely that they will live as if their income is £50,000 - they will use their money to give themselves the best life they an afford. So does the OP really deserve to be castigated for living according to her family's income?

If you want to have a happier life, simplify your lifestyle

How? The OP has already said that her DH is making financial decisions (holiday house purchase) without her agreement and against her wishes. How is the OP supposed to simplify her lifestyle when her DH behaves like this?

your H is motivated by the desire to make you miserable. He wants you to be as stressed as he is so you can understand him better

It may be even simpler than this - he may want to stress you out as it makes him feel less stressed to "off-load" it onto you. He makes himself feel better simply by making you feel worse. My DH does this - pushes more and more buttons and gets more and more wound up, but the minute I get upset too he is happy as larry. I've found the only way to cut across this dynamic is to refuse to rise to the bait.

If I say, but what about the holiday house, we could use that money... he argues that it's not income, it's capital

Capital can be turned into income though, so that's not a cogent argument against offloading it.

Do you rent it out? That's an obvious way to create an income from it, but obviously holiday lets are seasonal & a hassle.

We've got a second home abroad, so I'm not anti them. We set ours up as a business that brings in €100k per year (altho' we use it all year round). That's not all profit obviously, we've got a small mortgage on it, staff & bills to pay etc, but it still yields a tidy yearly profit.

If your house is sitting there not bringing in a good income, that money could be working more effectively for you.

From what you say I think your husband may be too proud to admit that it was mistake & has simply added to his financial burden. Either way he can't get the maximum benefits of relaxing there if he's worrying about the consequent debt.

Do you actually like your husband,your posts are unflattering.it seems acrimonious
Do you like,value and respect each other as individuals.does he like you?
I see the financial and familial ties,that bind,but what else you two got

Youve gotten a bit giddy with the cross out lines buster
You know its permissible to disagree with an op,and bit lively online riposte
Op to her credit,contributes,gets stuck in without giddiness

Buster has made excellent posts throughout the thread Scottish, and she's clearly not just here on a wind up.

Mrbuster,,

I know people on 200k who 'scrape by'. A children at public school, a large mortgage and the trappings of a decent lifestyle in London will do that to you.

But is that 'the best life' for you? It is debatable. You can choose to reduce outgoings to give yourself more opportunities to make different life choices.

The OP sounds like she has built a lifestyle at least matching if not exceeding their joint income and hence they are both under pressure.

Oh gushity gush maybe buster will continue to contribute without you speaking for her

Thanks for answering OP. What I was wondering is how clearly you can think about your own relationships. I was concerned that you might have some kind of blind spot where it came to your H and take unhelpful posters seriously.

But you present your H as a man with the emotional IQ of a toddler and suggest no other woman would be interested in him. As ScottishMummy asks, DO you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Your H doesn't treat you as an equal partner, he disrespects you, behaves unreasonably.. do you like him? Why are you with him?

Women who suffer domestic violence always say things like, well he wasn't always awful, he could be lovely and charming and loving etc. He only beat me when he was stressed/drunk etc. Do the good times cancel out the bad times in a relationship if the base line is pretty low?

Maybe you need to stop stepping back and being so rational, taking all opinions into account, and think more about your feelings towards him.

No doubt she will Scot, & no doubt you'll carry on being a dick...

How. Very lame,dont divert the thread with your churlish outbursts

Bottom line in any relationship,is it worth sustaining op,do you like each other,is there regard?
Remove all the constraints of finances,kids,familial chores.be honest,do you get each other
If despite all the ups and down its a yes,thats great.if its a no,can it be repaired.do yiu want to repair

That was my point about you Scot, & I've no wish to engage further.

Still lame
And obvious

Not biting, scottishmummy.

NoFrump
DO you love him?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Yes and yes.

Do I have a blind spot. Yes, maybe. But the reason I take "unhelpful" posters seriously, is not that I think my H is blameless, but that I am open to looking at my own faults, infact I am committed to doing so. So as i said before, only looking at the posts from people who validate me is not a way to move forward, or develop an increased understanding. Blaming my H as selfish and disrespectful is easy, blaming myself for being indulgent and profligate is also easy, but both are one dimensional approaches to what is a more complex problem.

I want to find a way for us to stop resenting each other about who is working harder and just support each other. It is a two way problem. We both harbour a bit of resentment towards the other. I resent him working so hard and having so little family time. I know I shouldn't because he works so hard and we all benefit, but my resentment leaks out. He resents me because he sees my life as easier and less stressful and I don't contribute financially.

Thing is about the relationships board here, is that we only get one side of the story. If my H came on here, he might say he has a moody wife (I am moody, bordering on impossible at certain times of the month) who spends all his money and doesn't contribute financially, and sighs at him when he works at the weekend, and everyone would say, why are you with her? What are you getting out of this relationship? People don't post all the positive and wonderful things about their relationships - why would they? They are only concerned with the problems.

Anyway, I've had a ton of helpful advice. And I am listening and digesting and I have no doubt it will be helpful.

Goodness Rat you are very balanced. I think you come over very well here, especially the extent to which you are able to look at yourself rather than get defensive.

FWIW my dh and I are in a similar position - but I am not studying and don't do paid work. There are stresses in our relationship but they never take the form of dh questioning my financial contribution. If anything it's the other way round. Our historical choices (which seemed right at the time, eg re dc and location) meant I gave up a good job in an area it is now not possible to get back into. If I ever make comments about him being the only one earning, he always replies with stuff about how busy I am and how important it is to keep the show on the road. He knows that he could never hold down the kind of high-pressure/long hours job he does without someone doing everything else. As far as he is concerned, it is up to me if I want do that stuff myself, or employ someone else to do it and go out to work, but he never suggests it is less important than his work.

You are both working very hard. The fact that one of you earns money by doing so and one doesn't, doesn't change that fact. I do hope you manage to get to a place where you and your dh can cut each other a little more slack and feel yourselves as more as a unit - after all, you do have the dc and presumably if it wasn't for them you'd be able to work all the hours you want (and wouldn't have given up your job in the first place). It's probably more about your actual relationship and the stresses on you both than anything, and if he is working hard and doing his triathlon stuff, when do you actually get to be a couple in a relationship as opposed to spending your time together juggling dc and things that need doing and family responsibilities?

A few years ago my DH and I attended a marriage course. I wonder if you and your DH would benefit from doing the same? It's different from counselling because all discussions are one to one between you and DH with no third party present. The great thing is, you are forced to communicate about areas of conflict in your relationship, and talk through possible solutions, at a time when you are both feeling calm, rather than during an argument which
is when these issues often come up (your DH is not alone in that propensity).