DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

MrBuster i agree with you. I am not ready to call it nasty yet, but I certainly would not call it love.

You say these men are "not nasty", but personally I think it is pretty nasty to effectively force your wife off her career path by refusing to pull your weight with children and then beat her over the head with the fact she doesn't earn a great deal anymore.

It's horrible actually.

Yes! That is key. That the childcare cost is always measured against the wife's income, whereas it ought to be measured against the household income.

YY I-walk can't agree more with that.

What I am about is the fact so many women actually support the DH as he is 'so hard working' and 'you wouldn't be able to study just for the fun of it if it wasn't for his hard work'.
Bit not a word of all the sacrifices and hard work the woman has done to allow her DH to carry on with his choice of career.
And btw it's all your fault anyway because you choose to stop working ....

Equal relationships mean that both partners are involved in the decision process both partners can take a cut on their career, nit just the woman. Both partners pitch in todo the housework and most importantly both partners, regardless of the earning positions, have equal say on how re money is spent, who is working how long do that they can both have a fulfilled life.
And that means taking into account the fact that being the sole earner is hard. But also that giving up a job and a career is hard too. How many men would agree to that? Would we ever expect them to be happy to stop having a career to go and stack shelves just to fit with the school hours? No so why do we expect that from women?

It is. I agree with you. Sometime I think that being with just that person makes you lose perspective, you know what is right and wrong but as it is only in your heart you doubt it.

I think it is awful. I am not sure I think it was and still is ok for me to accept it. Especially as I thought of myself a Simone De Beauvoire daughter. i despair.

DaVinci, exactly.

This made me sob. I recommend it.

And I would really calculate the cost of childcare for the 3 dcs with the OP working full time, plus a cleaner once a week and some one to do the ironing.
Add that up and tell him how much it is, that this is at the very least what your financial contribution is.
Do the same for when the dcs were younger and needed full Time nursery.

Then you can ask yourself if it makes sense for you to work.
It might not be financially interesting but it will do you good on a self esteem pov for example. It can be harder to juggle so he will have to pitch I. Etc.

Not saying it's easy though. My DH is also very reluctant to have these conversations.
So I chose what I wanted and I did it, in done ways regardless of the consequences for him. Because otherwise it meant I was the one to always do all the concessions and there was nothing left for me.

She is not. They do not need the extra money. I think the dh wants to see her as stressed as he is. He thinks this is going to make it even. Rather than he should be the one to work out how to make his life better.

Money are not the issue here.

Sorry that was in response to chunderella.

Second thread I've read along these lines in two days. So depressing. These men need slapping.

Theresarat, I'm in exactly the same position.
When he is stressed and under pressure then it blows up - to some extent, I try and ride it out.
We have discussed the fact that my going out to work would make his life more difficult not less and that he is not the only one trapped by the current situation as there is little prospect of me going back to a satisfying career as he is unable to be supportive of that.
However, I do have a good degree of leisure time and an enjoyable stress-free life, I can see that's not particularly fair but there's not a great deal I can do about it except to continue to facilitate his career and be as supportive as possible.
I have offered to downsize house & holidays etc so that he could resign/ do a lesser role - it is out of the question to him as he mostly enjoys what he does its just when it is stressful that this comes out. Now we both recognise that it is a little easier (until the next time!).

Ok then, to take the sahm mum decision you need to be damn sure your partner is not going to be a total dickwad, like so many of the stories here.

Either way work and independence from the family is not something to be surrendered lightly and especially not, because, at 12 months old, the idea of being away from your little one is scary. Of course its scary. You take the hit at some point, either via childcare for tiny ones and all that entails or via being stuck with no career prospects as they grow up. Especially if your dh is going to act in the way described here by several people.

IWalkInTheSun - sorry to hear your story. It's depressing.

DaVinci - I don't think we do expect women to do that. I think women with their wohm bashing and 'poor ickle children in nursery' spiel do that well enough really.

In the british family all the childcare costs are put in relation with the wife's salary, rather than the household one. Of course in this predicament the wife always loses, whether she works or not.

Not if the wife is the main 'breadwinner' and always has been.
However trying to explain this to employers, banks etc' is extremely tiring. Try explaining it to peers and friends, who think it's 'weird' DH married someone who earns more and that I should cut my wages (and thus lose our modest house to a flat, our hatchback to a banger) to fit the norm. I also work in a 'caring' profession so there are non-financial reasons for my career.
Society expects it: but it is not always so.

"I think the dh wants to see her as stressed as he is"
Yes, exactly this. He believes that unless I am stressed out of my mind too, I can't possibly care about him or his problems.

And that means taking into account the fact that being the sole earner is hard. But also that giving up a job and a career is hard too. How many men would agree to that? Would we ever expect them to be happy to stop having a career to go and stack shelves just to fit with the school hours? No so why do we expect that from women?

Yep. Having that conversation with a DH is no fun at all (did not ask him to stack shelves or give up his beloved job I hasten to add, but showed him some frank figures and facts about costs v income). I wonder if it's because society has conditioned me to think about it, but he's probably never realised?

Sorry squizita I was referring to the article. And to the fact that in the very few families where the wife is the highest ir sole earner the income is seen as communal, rather than the wife's who then generously gives it to the husband.

These are however generalisation to a certain extent.

My point is that a family is a community. We all do our bit in different ways, all bits are important. Shame some are rewarded other not, whoever makes them.

Theresarat I'd add 'unhappy' because if there is

MrBusterIPresume
I'm still catching up from several posts ago. I am trying to take in all the different viewpoints. I don't particularly agree with scottishmummy, but I think it's helpful to look at all sides of the argument. If I only log on to mumsnet to have people validate my original viewpoint, then I will not get so much out of it. It is genuinely surprising to me to find that people disagree with me and think I am "self-indulgent" or "faffing about" and should get a job . in my little corner of real-life, I don't get that kind of feedback from other women, so I think there is value in it. You have said some really useful things also, and made me think. Both extremes of the argument are worth chewing over.

"Yes, exactly this. He believes that unless I am stressed out of my mind too, I can't possibly care about him or his problems"

And how would that be good for your family as a whole?

I agree with getting him to codify what he wants eg to retire to the holiday home in 15 years or whatever and how the things you do now contribute to the joint goals.

OP, you need to remember that people only tend to hear the part of a message that reinforces their own prejudices and that many people will be very jealous of your situation and will want to take you down a peg or two for this reason, or even just to stir things up a bit. They have no vested interest in the truth.

The important message you have given so far is that in the foreseeable future you will qualify in a second professional job. You are clearly intelligent, adaptable, very hard working and keen to take on a lot of different perspectives to come to some conclusion on your situation.

The important thing here is that your family group does not NEED a second income and your H has a very secure financial situation. He sounds like a very high achiever at work and also at home if he is keen on triathlons.

The problem is, as you say, your H is motivated by the desire to make you miserable. He wants you to be as stressed as he is so you can understand him better. You said in your OP that he uses the fact that you don't WOH to beat you in arguments and to make you feel bad. This is your Hs default attitude towards you and I hope you can see how wrong this is. I'm not sure that you do? Your H is entirely self centred and focussed on his own happiness. THAT is your problem. He is not looking at the whole picture of the welfare of his family as a whole. He just wants you miserable.

It has occurred to me that your H may be in the market for a second wife; that he wants you back in the workplace so you will cost less in a divorce settlement. Is this a possibility?

Thinking of you.

in the market for a second wife?

Really? Does anyone want him? Pm me.