I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

Can you get itemised bills going back X amount of time from mobile providers? Like you can with bank statements.

I've re read.

A couple of years ago your marriage was In The middle of new babies syndrome and he became withdrawn, hiding his phone etc.

You then found an end of shift text from Anna or Kate which was un needed and flirtatious which made you hit the roof (obviously)

Can I ask what happened then and how they lost contact?

^ sounds like the start of an emotional affair to me.

Now Kate or Anne are back on the work seen, you didn't know this and he hasd hidden this from you to the extent of changing their details in his phone.

Her says that is because of how you will react, that's not the right way to behave. He hurt you before and you forgave but he has now decided to hide from you again.

I may be wrong but it's just how I think.

they never lost contact they have worked together continually for the past six years.

after our rocky patch three yrs ago, where I never proved anything never even saw a text it was just an inkling I had. I've not had cause for concern since, I haven't questioned him or accused him of anything. as far as I was concerned, I had decided to forget my 'inkling' and accept that they worked together.

he slept on the couch last night, I've asked him to pack a bag this morning but he's refusing to do so.

I think you can get phone bills going back so far but after that you have to pay.

I'm not good at this kind of advice but could you go somewhere yourself for a few days to get some space?

You must be so stressed moongirl. I hope you have a better day today. Stay strong and stay calm.

thanks guys, one of the dc's at school today but at home with the two littlest ones.
I'm so tired.
I want revenge

Morning...

Fwiw I don't think you should go anywhere. If you really have to, go over night but no longer. He has upset you by lying and deceitful behaviour, is most likely with holding some information and is now continuing to cause you distress by refusing to give you space...if u go it looks like it's your problem, as if you're throwing your toys out of the pram.

Hope you're ok and managed some sleep
X

Give yourself an easy day if you can. Cuddles on sofa and cbeebies.

I think it's good you're angry and not just upset/in despair. I think anger is a more useful emotion in these situations. For a start it means you won't take any more nonsense from him...

for you...

Who would dare text back and forth with a work colleague not knowing which of two possible colleagues it was? That way madness lies. It would be so easy to reply the first time and ask - and so obvious that while at some point it might become apparent who it was (phew!) it could just as easily become apparent that you never knew who you were texting all the time (awkward!)

Some options?

Move out for a bit.

Ask one of his relatives/friends to put him up/advise him to leave.

Say "ok, I've asked for space to think, you've refused so you leave me no option but to start divorce proceedings."

Or very calmly say, I don't feel we can co-exist properly until you are ready to be completely honest with me about this, past and present. Let me know when you are. The ball should be in his court really, not yours.

Well she's told him that, and he's refusing to not co-exist (so to speak).

Ha, yes. Sounds like he's quite stubborn. Glad to hear the OP can stand up to him. What do you want, OP?

I've asked him to move out for a bit but he's refusing to do so.

He's incredulous that I want him to do this, because of what's happened like its not a good enough reason.

This afternoon I've asked him to give me the phone number he was texting so I can speak to her...which I will if he does.
If he refuses I'm going to threaten to turn up to his work and cause a scene (which I will also do)

I'm going to attempt to speak to him again tonight about it, but if he's an arse about it and refuses to talk properly, I'll be getting the locks changed tomorrow

I think you can get phone bills going back so far but after that you have to pay
Thanks Its I'd happily pay a few pretty pennies to see if the liar is telling the truth regarding contact.

Moon - for me it speaks volumes that he won't give you her number. Yes, it may well be embarrassing for him (if there's nothing going on) but at this point his ONLY concern should be that you believe him, if he is telling the truth.

Straight men NEVER put kisses on texts to each other...and straight men that don't put kisses on texts to their mum never even do it accidentally.

Lovingfreedom He's admitted that it was a female work colleague.

Moongirl you sound so strong and determined you're doing great!

Whoops! Sorry - I thought this thread was only 1 page long...not sure why...Ignore me! But good luck OP...not easy going through this but you'll come out stronger and happier in the end.

he's given me kates number. just waiting for Anne's.

I'm a little bit scared, what do I say?

Maybe now he's given you the number you don't actually need to ring it? Because if there is or has been something untoward going on he will have warned them/her you'll be ringing... And they will have their stories straight. And if there isn't and never was, it will just be embarrassing.

The fact he has given you the numbers - so you take that as a good sign?

That was meant to say do you take that as a good sign?