I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

Apparently if I don't believe him that it was just about work, and he only put it under a different name so I wasn't mad. Then it's my problem

He sounds lovely

I just want to fucking shake him and then punch his face in.
He's acting like a dick, not like himself at all.

I agree with the 'well look how you acting now, no wonder I put it under a different name'
I bet that gets thrown back in my face later

Look, moone. I could maybe, just about, under duress accept that a weak man who was accused of getting too close to a woman at work many years ago, might re-encounter her years later and put that woman's number under a different name in his phone because he would be too cowardly to tell his wife about it because he didn't want 'the hassle'.

I could just about buy that. Though if someone wasn't doing anything wrong it would be unusual and very conflict-avoidant behavior.

BUT

He's been working with this woman for years. you know this. You would EXPECT them to be in touch. There's no need really to hide this from you.

So…..

The only conclusion is that he would want to hide the frequency or the content of the contact with her. Why? Again, maybe possible because he wouldn't want to upset you but you would only be upset BECAUSE of what they said then wouldn't you? So there must be something inappropriate going on.

It is not unusual for workplace affairs where both parties are married to ignite on and off for years, since neither party really wants to 'leave' but they like each other too much to totally close it down. It may be something happened back then and then something small recently. It might not even be that big a deal. But he doesn't seem like he is going to tell you about it. And that's the worrying bit.

I'm projecting here but when my ex lied to me when caught out he would always repeat his version (the most ducking outrageous lies that only a 2 year old wouldve believed) and then said "that's all there is to it. I can't help it if you don't believe me".

Was SO frustrating.

The only way to deal with it is to call his bluff. "No I'm not mad. I don't believe that's all there as to it. You need to move out whilst I decide what I want".

He'll realise you're serious and maybe offer you some more info.

It's classic male discovery behavior to be angry. It's a defense mechanism to close down the conversation, to frighten the woman from asking more questions and making him feel bad about himself. It is also deflected anger from the anger at himself for being caught. It's possible they had an affair then HE ended it and never changed the name back to hers in his phone. Then imagine his irritation at himself that NOW you find something dodgy, when he isn't doing anything wrong in the present tense exactly….
There could be any number of things going on in his head. But don't be afraid of the anger. It's classic guilt. They either do that, or they deny deny deny, going pale. Or they cry.

Sigh.

I agree with mamma, you need to force him to tell the truth or leave.

And keep asking why he deleted it and changed the number if there was nothing more to it.

Anger and deny, deny usually go hand in hand.

:( such a shit situation to be in op

Oh god yes, 'I can't help it if you don't believe me.'

No one innocent has ever said that in the history of the world. The first thing anyone genuinely innocent does is says, 'Oh, no. Not at all, what can I do to help you believe me? Here, here's everything in my possession that shows that's not the case. I'm sorry I made you think that. Weird. don't worry. I love you very much."

moone, Think about how you would act if he found an innocent text on your phone from someone that he interpreted as dodgy?

Would it be like this?

I'm supposed to pick him up from work at five

Vander- that's what I'm trying to do in my head. The if I had done this scenario, but it's so hard.
I need to know-
why he went to the trouble of saving it under a different name.
and why change the number after.

If he thought I was going to be mad that she had text him about work, he's a fucking idiot if he thought I wasn't going to be mad when I discovered this..

Hope he enjoys the walk or had money for a taxi.

Well, I suggest you do one of two things. Either pick him up and plan to go somewhere where you can be undisturbed and repeatedly and calmly ask him the questions we are raising here. Do not try and fill silences. Do not be intimidated by his anger. Do not lose your temper or cry. Keep saying to yourself, this is not unreasonable. It makes sense that I am asking these questions. Do not give him cause to gaslight you and call you mad.

OR if you do not feel ready for that, I suggest you send him a text or leave him a message saying very clearly but calmly, 'I don't believe what you have said to me about this message and this relationship. It doesn't make sense what YOU have done and the ways that YOU have behaved regarding the message/the name/the number.' Please come home when you are ready to talk to me honestly about it. I won't be collecting you today as I'm upset and trying to get myself together.'

Do not let this turn into a conversation about YOUR behavior. That is classic avoidance.

Would you have been mad if she had texted him about work?

How was it left after the rocky time after your second child?

Why do you check his texts?

I have saved someone's number under a different name twice in my life. Both times I was having an affair. My partner has down it once in his life. He was having an affair. My friend has done it once in her life. It was after an affair had finished and she worried that her lover would text something even years later that might be compromising or romantic.

How is he generally with his phone? Does he leave it lying around or is it always on him? I know you say you use each other's phones now but you did say that 3 years ago he never left it unattended.

My exs phone was always on silent and either in his pocket or charging on a window ledge out of sight. By contrast my new partner leaves his all over the place, and even has the first line of the text show on the main screen as it comes through.

The difference is amazing and just goes to show how much ex was hiding.

Sorry but it does not sound good

What I would absolutely NOT do is save the number of someone I had been accused of being unfaithful with but HADN'T under a different name. That would add suspicious behavior to something I knew there was no reason for suspicion, thereby making it suspicious.

were always on each others phones, we have three young children, both work shifts. we use them to 'catch up' on each others news, calendars etc. sometimes we can be passing ships in the night, one of us gets in from work the other one goes out.
His phone is always left in the kitchen, never hidden.

hmm, well that's not the behavior of someone actively engaged in an affair over the phone.

It would be much clearer if we knew how it was left after the suspicions you had in the past. And what sort of a man he is generally. Unless he had very good reason to suspect you would go mad about her contacting him, and he is conflict avoidant in general, it's very suspicious behavior. Particularly the changing the number bit, that's really really weird, that wouldn't even occur to me in my most deceitful or manipulative moment. That's real panic.

And clearly he has opportunity and a busy, stressful life. What was the tone / vague content of the text?

Don't bother. You don't want him home so text him to say he has to get himself somewhere else to sleep this week.