I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

Ah it doesn't work like that spartacus, it's not that sort of job.

I feel strangely detached like this isn't happening to me- is that normal or am I losing it?

Tonight's plan is to get dh to get me kates number.
I shall then contact Anne, to confirm she was the one who sent the texts and ask if she knows of any reason why my sneaky bastard husband would feel the need to put her under a man's name.

Depending on what she says I will have kates number for future reference.

However, I would want to add that I feel like Always too - it sounds a bit dodgy but also could be completely innocent: it's great that you have access to each others phones all the time, and have had a trusting open relationship. That is what you need to stress to him. He sent a message with kisses on, he disguised the name/number of the person it came from, then he deleted the messages and changed the number. He is behaving suspiciously. He isn't behaving normally. He needs to convince you that he is willing to put this right.

Maybe he can ring Kate/Anne/whomever on speaker phone and say that he is sorry to bother them but he wants to explain that MrsM is upset because he has been a complete plonker and disguised Anne/Kate's number on his phone so that it looks completely suspicious. . . . and then he can say anything else you want to reassure you that it is all above board.

You may still be concerned afterwards but at least he will have shown that he is willing to do this for his marriage, and that is what matters to him most.

Best of luck

What a complete twat.

It's no kind of relationship is it where your partner changes a number as he thinks his wife will be upset.

If that was the case he shouldn't be with his wife as she's too controlling (unless he has acted suspiciously before, in which case he's asking for trouble).

If he thinks she'll be upset about talking to that person he'd either not do it if the wife's reasons were genuine/sound or he would tell his wife and if necessary let him see the messages.

I would say the same for wife with her male colleagues, there is no gender bias here.

To me you just don't go about a relationship like that.

I'm really sorry he's acting like a douche.

If I were to guess I'd say they haven't slept together but they regularly flirt with each other and are trying to cover it up.

I really hope I'm wrong though (or right about not having an affair).

Keep strong and don't buy into anything he says unless it really does make sense (not your want to believe it).

X posted. Your plan sounds much simpler and to the point.

Do hope that he can reassure you eventually that he believes in his marriage and working at it and that he doesn't try to minimise what he has done.

Is the number he has given you similar to the number that you tried to ring, the changed number, possibly a digit or two different -if so that would suggest it was her the text was from.

If you phone you'll get a woman either truthfully or untruthfully denying having had an affair with your husband. You have no way of knowing which it is and you will feel awful and be no further on. The burden of proof is on him not you. His behaviour is very suspicious and he's behaving like a naughty child. In your position I would change tactic and stop asking. Tell him you have heard enough for now and you don't want to talk about it. Don't explain yourself or answer any of his questions about 'so are we alright now?'. Change the subject, carry on as normal with everything else. He will panic when you go quiet and he might even realise that he needs to take this seriously. I don't usually advocate silent treatment but while he's still feeding lies, anything else is a waste of breath.

Oh op what a nightmare for you. As I said previously I have been here too and yes you do just feel like it's not happening-really odd feeling but not a nice one at all.

I have to say what is worrying me now is that I kind of understood when you thought it was kate he'd been texting, that he would say he didn't want you to know he was in touch with her because of last time. It kind of made me understand the changing name thing. But now he's saying it was Anne and not Kate at all, why would he feel the need to hide her too? Just doesn't add up...

And with regards to him not wanting to give you Kate's number, we have no idea whether there is or has ever been anything untoward in their relationship but what we do know is that for some reason he is now reluctant to let you speak to her. Any innocent man (or woman for that matter) suspected of any wrongdoing in their relationship would surely do everything in their power to prove their innocence but he isn't is he? Why is he not OFFERING you the numbers? Giving you them willingly in a desperate attempt to prove he has nothing to hide?

I'm so sorry op but from an outsider's point of view, it just doesn't look good...

Hope to goodness I'm wrong. X

Hi, sorry that you are going through this. My advice would be to get him to call both of them in turn, do not give him notice of this, put on speakerphone and see how they talk
to each other.

Or, just finish it with him, you don't need to know details, all you need to know is that he is deceitful and you can't trust him.

It depends whether you want to know what has happened or not.

Can't you look at the number you have and see if Anne's number is similar? Unless you think he changed the number completely.

I also can't believe

a) he didn't bother to find out who was texting him so rather than ask he just saved it under a random hidden name

b) he now knows who was texting him, it wasn't the one you had any beef with, yet he still saved it under a hidden name

Op if if was your h, and ideas having an affair with Kate
I'd give you Kate's number, tell you that is Anne's no

Then Kate would pretend to be Anne, and say it was her who sent the texts

That's meant to read:
If I was your h
And
If I was having

Stupid iphone

Yeah, you could ring Anne and say 'is that Kate' first maybe?

Although the texting thing is small fry, it is proof you can't trust him. That is why it is a big deal.

Good luck, thinking of you x

Oh what huge headfuckery he's continuing to cause.
I really feel for you op and hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Even if he now gives you the other number, I'd personally still want his call records - he wants to behave like a naughty child and a sneaky, lying, sly one at that, so shouldn't be surprised that you don't trust his word.
I'm sorry but I feel there's more to come - his excuses/reasoning just don't make any sense.
Good luck Xx

What he isn't getting is that either one of you can make the decision to end the marriage. It doesn't have to be a joint decision which he agrees with. If you find all this messing about just too exhausting and you need a break then you have the right to ask him to leave. He doesn't have to have been caught red handed, just being fed up with his shit means you can ask.