I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

Dh would never put kisses on a text to a male colleague, he wouldn't even do it in a text to his mum. But when I mentioned the kisses, he laughed it off like "ha ha I know I'll have to speak to him about that and I didn't even realise I was doing it."

That, right there, is what makes me think you are right with your gut feeling. I don't think your imagination is running riot at all. Add to that the fact that he's deleted the texts since and the number from which they came is now strangely 'unrecognised' and I really do think you are on to something here. Sorry to say it OP, but I do.

All you can do is watch him like a hawk. If it's what you think it might be, he will slip up somewhere. They always do.

Yes what buzzard said. Get the phone bill and compare numbers.

I didn't prove anything three years ago, I just had an inkling. I'm sure nothing physical happened maybe just flirtatious banter. I never found any texts or anything back then, again it was just my gut instinct and the fact he never left his phone unattended which I know is the classic sign.

It's a job where you need to have each others back so all the colleagues have a very close relationship.

No he's not working away next week, just away from the usual work place.

The texts were all work related apart from the kisses.

Yes honestly we have a great marriage, been together 12yrs. Apart from our difficult patch three yrs ago we have an amazing relationship. This is why it's so absurd.
I didn't ever think I would need to write on here, but I need to know whether I've crossed a line in getting the number from his phone and ringing it.

We don't get an itemised phone bill for our mobiles but I could look into this more.

does it automatically mean he's having an affair?

The male colleague could be very well at the job next week, although I think unlikely.
I would never be able to find this out.

What Buzzard stated. I would try and get a record of all the numbers called on his phone: I would think that one number would repeat.

The impact of emotional affairs is immense and can be just as hurtful as any physical affair. Lines were blurred three years ago when he and she became close even though he denied any wrongdoing. You had an inkling back then but minimised his actions to yourself at great cost to your own self; do not make the same mistakes this time around even though you have children.

My guess is that they have remained in close emotional contact for the last three years and their own relationship is one of an ongoing emotional affair. He is giving her emotional support, support that you as his wife should be receiving.

It says an awful lot about him, he is duplicitous at the very least and is not above lying to you now either. He cannot properly explain away the kisses on the work messages and those had no place at all in a professional work message. Am certain his employers would take a dim view of such as well.

No it doesn't automatically mean he's having an affair, but it could mean he has said something go that he knows you won't like or behaving in a way he knows you won't like and thinks it's easier to delete/hide this from you. Could just be a bit of flirting.

Before I had finished reading your OP, I agreed with your hypothesis that he had changed a woman's name in his phone to someone more inocuous (like his mate). A common trick for the duplicitous

What is more telling is that you appear to think him capable of that, and don't seem at all surprised so for that reason I fail to see how this is a viable relationship whether he is dipping his wick elsewhere or not (I think he probably is/would very much like to/it's just a matter of time)

me- who really text you the other day.

him- either Anne or Kate from work. I needed to know something about work for the job next week.
I didn't mean to put kisses it was force of habit. I'm sorry I lied.

me- so you don't know exactly who it is even though you put their number under the male colleagues name?
you lied to me when I asked about it.
you changed the number after I became suspicious.

him-no reply.

I'm so fucking angry

If he has to hide it, he knows it's wrong Nunyabiz. Just a bit of flirting

So sorry, moonegirl x

I don't know what to do now.
I honestly I don't think he's shagging her or even seeing her.

It's the level of deceit that perplexes me, I didn't think he was capable of that.

He doesn't know who it was to????? Yes he does.

Ok. So he may not be having an affair but he fancies them.

People who have something to hide, hide things. I am sorry x

But....why lie if there's nothing in it.

At the very least he is closer/friendlier with this woman than he wants you to know about.

Sorry to hear that moonegirl.

What is also worrying is that he's only being partially truthful. Minimising, which is par for the course in these type scenarios. He's had a chance to think about it and has admitted to it being 'Anne or Kate', giving you a partial truth. but going no further. You challenging him beyond that has him stumped - hence 'no reply'. His mind will be going ten to the dozen now to come up with some explanation for the rest of it. Be prepared for a well rehearsed and very feasible explanation, which will probably only be another partial disclosure. I also think you may get the 'I did it because I knew you would react like this' response, which is also par for the course.

I really hope it's not a full blown affair but as others have said, just a harmless bit of flirting. But it seems he has gone to extraordinary lengths to hide whatever it is.

What a load of BS. Unless he has a 2 women on the go he knows exactly who he was texting. He lied on top of a lie.

He is not sorry about the original lie he is sorry you have called him on it bit not sorry enough not to do it again straight away.

"I didn't mean to put kisses it was force of habit. I'm sorry I lied".

Force of habit, snort

He stated that he did not mean to put kisses - yes he bloody well did because he was really talking to her. It was a deliberate act done through his own free will as well. Also you previously mentioned that he would not even put kisses in a text message to his mother.

He is only sorry for his own stupid self here. He is not at all remorseful even one iota. Next he will be swearing on the childrens lives that he has not done anything wrong.

It would not surprise me at all if he really communicating with the same woman he is involved with from three years ago. He lied to you then as well

what do I do now?
what would you do?

I would be asking him to leave because you now need time and space to think. That will not be possible with him being around.

What I used to do was accept the lie. Die a little bit more inside.

What I would do now is tell the lying piece of shit I WILL NOT be lied to and he has ten minutes to tell me the truth before I tell him to leave.

Ps- he won't tell you the truth btw. Even if he does, you now can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth :(

All of his recent answers to you have been at the very best completely unconvincing and at worse outright lies to try and get himself out of the hole he has dug for himself. I doubt very much as well he would be at all forgiving if this situation was the other way around.

What is kinda worse out of this is not the deception itself (which is bad enough) but that he must think you are stupid enough to belive that crock of shit.

"You are still lying to me. Unless you can tell me the truth, I have to assume you are lying to hide something you think I won't forgive. And if that is the case, you are going to have to leave."

I'm so sorry.

Were the messages just recent ones or did they go back a while?

He's probably put the number under someone else's name because he doesn't want grief from you if you found out he was innocently texting this woman who you have issues with. It doesn't mean he's having an affair. Maybe he just likes the attention from this woman but doesn't necessarily want to have an affair?

I wouldn't mention it anymore until you can either put your mind at ease or know for a fact something has gone on.

We don't get itemised bills (O2)but can log into our accounts and see all texts & calls sent. Maybe try doing this and see if there are any numbers you don't recognise?

If you confront him without evidence you will give him time to make up excuses.