I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

If you don't think his actions are suspicious sandy, and the only issue is a couple of kisses in a text, why do advise the OP to search phone records?

So she can put her mind at ease that he's told her the truth.

She says she doesn't know what to believe at the moment.

Of course a few kisses on a text do not confirm he's having an affair.

Putting a female name as a male name to deceive your wife proves your a sneaky fucker though.

• you're a

"So she can put her mind at ease that he's telling the truth..."

But he isn't. She already knows that.

I hope she's doing alright. The desire for everything to go back to normal can be overwhelming.

I genuinely think that he put it under someone else's name to avoid any confrontation about innocently texting a colleague. If it was all work related then he probably didn't think it would do any harm but knew his wife wouldn't be happy. Yes, I know that it's taking the p and he shouldn't have any contact with her at all if that's the way his wife wanted it. If he works with her tho then it may not be possible to have no contact at all.

When it comes to xxx in texts I don't really do that with anyone but some people always add them so I feel obliged to end my messages the same way too. Doesn't mean I'm sleeping with them tho.

If he really was having an affair he would have deleted any messages or trace of any contact.

Op said that it wasn't what they were texting about but just he xxx. If they were having an affair there would be
evidence in what they were saying in their messages surely?

Not necessarily SandyChick. If he deletes his messages regularly then there would be no evidence.
I'd not ask him about it again, and I'd go in search of evidence. (like looking at the log on his phone, checking his online statement, emails etc.) Do you have the passwords?

he says

a number text him that wasn't in his phone book, from the nature of the text about next weeks job he knew it was Anne or Kate.
He said he put the kisses on the end of his texts on autopilot like he would do on mine.
he says he needed their number for next week so needed to keep it. instead of running the risk of adding them under their real name he saved the number under his old colleague.
he admits he changed the number once he knew I was suspicious so I wouldn't ring it.
he admits it was wrong and shouldn't have lied.

he doesn't even seem that sorry,more pissed off that it's blown up in his face.

I don't think he's having an affair, in fact I believe most of what he's said. but the way he's lied about everything and gone to such levels of deceit to change the number after has me questioning everything.
I've told him to leave tomorrow

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. Remember there's no need to rush in to any long term decisions.

Even if he is telling the truth (and I trust that you know him better than I) then who could live like this ?

Oh op...I'm sorry.

R u ok?

That's an awful lot of explaining isn't it?

I did this, then I did that, then I knew you would do this so I blah blah blah...

Why did he delete the messages op?

he deleted the messages because he had put them under the work colleagues name. I had read them and they were about work, nothing untoward but then ended with kisses.

I don't believe him that this is the first time they've text, I think Kate/Anne has been under the male colleagues name for a while but I can't prove this

The trust is gone isn't it? :( does he not realise what he has done?!

I agree Lumpy a lot of explaining but none of it makes sense. Everything he did was to hide this person for whatever reason.

This wouldn't be about irrefutable proof for me

Women who hang on for that incontrovertible snippet of undeniable proof go through "shedloads^ of shit, and for what ?

You clearly do not trust him, because he is clearly not trustworthy

What more do you need to "prove" ?

I agree he's been a sneaky fucker and his reaction is the icing on the shitty cake.

it took all my might not to slap his sneaky fucker face.

I find his reaction to the whole thing laughable, like he's the one that's been hurt. That speaks volumes to me, I need him out of the house and not to speak to him for a while.
fuck knows what I'll do for childcare though

I said that to him, how can I believe anything your saying when you've gone to these lengths to hide a text.
how can I trust you.

he doesn't get it

Go see your GP and get signed off work for a couple of weeks while you get something sorted.

I really understand how you feel op. I won't go into details, but dh recently went out of his way to hide something from me and it has put us on Rocky ground. He thinks that just because the thing he hid wasn't a huge deal that it all doesn't matter. I am feeling like I can't trust him anymore because of all the deceit.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what he actually did, he lied to your face and thinks that's ok. I know how much that hurts and how it makes you question everything. If you let him stay you would be constantly wondering if he is hiding things or lying. I know I am right now.

So frustrating! He should be bothered that you're upset. If its innocent he should be falling over himself to make you feel better.

So sorry moonegirl, my STBX got caught texting some woman who was in his phone called Julian about 3 years ago, i phoned the number and got Victorias voicemail quite comical watching him concoct.a story about Julian and who he was, his face was a picture when i said "so who is victoria then?"
Benefit of the doubt once only, it was Christmas eve and we have two small dcs, i caught him texting a prostitute 4 months ago, he denied it until i made it clear i wanted to see bank statements then he admitted sleeping with her, I'm sure there's a lot more that's been going on because i still haven't seen them
He is looking at a flat tomorrow and needs to be gone this.month and i think I'm being generous
Put yourself and the children first and stay strong honey!

moone I really admire your attitude to this. You're absolutely right that his attitude to it is what's sad and shitty, the automatic lying, the arse covering, the bullshit story changing. I agree that there probably is mostly truth in what he's saying (but still, CHANGING THE NUMBER SO YOU DON'T RING IT?! Three kisses on autopilot? 'like he would to you'?'

I agree that his anger at you for his shittery is ugly. You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all and your suspicion was well justified, and our accusation and demand of an explanation was reasonable. HIs behavior has been that of a tool.

Sandy, oh for god's sake, it's not about evidence, it's about behavior. I'm NOT SAYING he has had a full blown affair. I don't know. I'm saying what my guess is around that sort of behavior, what thousands of threads on here allude to and my own similar behavior has meant in the past and what it says about his character how he's responded to it. Are you seriously saying that putting a woman under a different name in your phone who your partner was suspicious of during a very vulnerable period where he 'detached' from the marriage, then lying about the message to her face as they laughed about it being from a bloke, then sneakily changing the number under that name in case she called to it to a fictional number is NOT SUSPICIOUS. Then being angry at her for being hurt and confused by it. Christ. Even if it's all completely innocent what a manipulative weirdo for doing that when an honest mention of her would have done wonders. OP must be a paranoid fucking NIGHTMARE to deserve that level of lying and 'management'. Weird how there's so many of us.

It's not about the kisses, love. It never is.

I suspect she's been under that name for a long time like you think, OP. And it's probably from a time when they were very close, possibly inappropriately (when his phone was stuck to him) and probably it's no longer the case. His anger will be in relation to not believing he's getting shit for this NOW when he's not even doing anything anymore.

What's your believable psychological explanation for all the stages, Sandy? Or do you just want to tell everyone how sorry you feel for their cheating fucking partners?