I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

Sounds like there is a lot more to this than his version of events.

Hmm, I too thought it was the female colleague under the guy's name. Devious!

Based on what has been written, you certainly don't sound like a suspicious, paranoid freak-out sort of person. But, his behaviour could easily cause you to turn into that sort of person as he lied (and admitted it), so who knows what else he is lying about? He has actually made the entire situation much worse by how he has responded to you.

Tell him he needs to be ready to talk and be completely honest when he comes home tonight. Can you get someone to look after the dc so the two of you can have a proper chat?

He is deflecting this onto you. He knew it was wrong amd knew how you would react but did it anyway.
The deceit alone is dreadful but to blame on you is unforgivable--he IS hiding something.
I would bot be picking him up- this action alone will tell him he is in deep deep shit.

He didn't just change the name - he had a whole stupid conversation with op about how this male was changing shifts etc, etc.

it was the female colleague under the guys name.

I'm not sure anything happened last time or if they were even texting. I had pnd we were going through a really rough patch. he was withdrawn, phone hiding etc.
in the end, I believed him when he said nothing was going on and tbf I think he had abit if depression too. 2 babies under 11mths it was pretty hard going and a complete shock to the system.

this woman text him about 18mths ago after they had finished a shift together, it was quite flirty and didn't need texting. I hit the roof asked him why she'd feel the need to text.

nothing since then that I'm aware of.

in general terms, he's the best dad and hubby. we have quarrels but never serious. that bad patch is the only one in 12yrs. were best friends, we've been together since we were 17, only ever been with each other. he doesn't go out drinking very often, maybe once every couple of months. he works hard for us as a family. he's not aware of how good looking he his, and doesn't know when women are flirting (just a general observation from me).

I don't know, this whole thing is totally bizarre if he hadn't have admitted it I would have probably forgotten about it. but I agree the lengths he has gone to to hide the fact the woman text him is worrying. even though all the texts were about work.

This happened to me three years ago op,a male name but obviously female contact.I found out after taking his phone when he was pissed one night after I could see him drunkenly texting.I took the number too,he told a pack of lies and it turned out he'd met this woman on a site but still denied ever actually meeting up
I couldn't get past the lieing so upped and left with our children,he is a sad man now,I on the other hand have never been happier.

I would hazard a guess that something DID happen back then and that it was at least partly to blame for the bad patch and even your depression probably. Instincts are usually based on SOMETHING and his behavior and timing is classic. Often PND or just depression are instigated and worsened by someone withdrawing affection without explaining why and the feelings that are elicited when someone has an affair but the unknowing partner can feed into depression.

It's possible that nothing has happened since then, hence your return to happiness and that the flirty text she sent 18mths ago is a normal flirty banter between them now post-affair. But, seeing that you responded as you did and feeling a sense of guilt about the inappropriate relationship he had back then, he put her number under a different name as he didn't want the same hassle from you if she sent another one at any point.

It doesn't scream to me that they are engaged in an affair right not, except for the kisses and the changing of the number he did, those things don't sit right to me. So I would guess at an old affair he doesn't want to be charged with now because he feels it's irrelevant and he gave it up, or an old affair that flares up flirtily from time to time but he doesn't want to leave you for.

I'm not sure the explanation he has given really rings true unless, as I said, you went absolutely apeshit last time she texted and he's massively conflict-avoidant. But even then…change the number? seriously?

Are you going to pick him up?

not going to pick him up. if he can treat me like shit then I can do it to him

Firstly OP, so sorry you are having to go through this. I've been through similar and it's an awful feeling-desperately wanting to find an innocent explanation for this behaviour while deep down knowing there isn't one. Awful...

I think you need to sit him down as calmly as possible and give him the opportunity to explain himself fully as others have said. Explain as you have done here that you are really happy with him, that you love him and don't want things to change but that you are confused, hurt and angry with him and need some explanations for your marriage to continue.

Tell him you know he's been lying as he's admitted and that you still don't have a satisfactory explanation for the following. Be clear that without that you can not carry on as before.

-Who was it who texted him. (don't accept the 'either/or' as you know he knows fine well)

-Why he deleted the messages after you mentioned them. (This confuses me. Did you read them all? Could he have been deleting selected ones and worrying some incriminating ones could still be left?)

-Why he stored the contact under a different name.

-What is the exact nature of the relationship with the woman in question.

You need to stay really calm and just wait for full answers. As scary as it is to put your marriage on the line like this, unless he is fully open with you now, you will never trust him again and it really will mean the end for you. He needs to understand that and act accordingly. If he doesn't take this chance to come clean, completely, then unfortunately you know where you stand.

Again, so sorry this is happening op. I really do feel for you.

Just to throw this in here...I have a male friend who puts all female friends in his phone as men. There is no reason for him to have my number as a an as he only has my number because he did some work for me. I believe him to be a smart arse who thinks he has one over on his wife as she threw him out for suspected adultery previously and so he doesn't want to make her have any suspicions again. To be fair though, he is a cheat and he is cheating now. He just thinks his wife is stupid.

He does not deserve to be collected by you anyway; you are actually too good for him.

I also think that he had an inappropriate relationship along the lines of an emotional affair three years ago.

You need time and space away from your H so you can decide in your own time what you want going forward.

I would also suggest you read "Not Just Friends" written by Shirley Glass.

It doesn't sound like he's taking this seriously and clearly he has just decided that he's not trekking you about it and you need to just get over it, so has just shut the conversation down.

I don't know how you're going to get the truth, he won't tell you it. You might need to go into stealth mode?

I agree with those who suggest something inappropriate happened three years ago...
Sorry op.
would you be able to get phone records that far back?
He is proving himself to be very untrustworthy.

"His excuse was he bumped into them last week and took their number as he would need it for nexts week job. He put it under a male colleagues name."

"he says he got a text from an unknown number either kate or Anne and just saved it to his male colleagues name so I wouldn't be mad"

He can't even keep his story straight! Neither of these explanations are the truth. I feel angry for you OP. Tell him not to come home until he is prepared to tell the truth.

You are not treating him like shit by not picking him up!

So, you asked/told him not to come home. He said "bollocks to that, and oh, can you come and pick me up?"

He's really not taking you seriously at all, is he?

I'm really sorry op, but it does not look good. Do you think something could have happened 3yrs ago wheb you first had your suspicions?

Does he have an android phone? Go onto the logs section (access it through the phone app on homescreen.) It shows up all calls and texts sent/received using the phone. Unless of course he knows about this and clears it regularly. (This is how I knew my ex was shagging someone else.) I'm not sure if there is an iphone equivalent for this.

I'd also go on to his facebook and access his activity log on there. It can show you who he has searched for, whose posts/photos he has liked etc.

If you can find your evidence then it's a good start for confronting him when you're ready to.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope it is all innocent x

The best thing you can do right now is to not pick him up. It shows him you are not scared of him and will not do his bidding.

North, it clearly isn't innocent!

Have to agree with honeycrest he can't have bumped into a college last week and taken their number (plus he would have know which is was) and got a text from an unknown number so decided to save it under a male name.

It's bollocks.

oops colleague not college!

I wouldn't focus on asking him anymore about it - it's going to wind both of you up and I suspect he won't admit it and if there is something just try harder to hide it.

I went through something similar with an ex and I ended up getting hold of his phone bill and caught him out that way!

He couldn't deny it then! I hope u get to the bottom of it.

I am not naive at all. I just don't see why him putting a few xxx in a text to someone makes him out to be having a full blown affair. Yes he needs to explain why he felt the need to add xxx to his texts.

So he was texting someone about work. What was in the texts apart from the xxx was there any proof of an affair in their texts or was it just xxx at the end?

How often was he texting or how far back do the messages go. Any phone calls to this person. Any suspicious behaviour. Do they see each other outside of work to actually carry out an affair?

Or is the only thing that he seems to have done wrong here is try to hide who the number belonged to save from exactly what's happened and it being blown out of proportion!

To all those who think this obviously means he's having a full blown affair i really feel sorry for your dh's and partners. I bet they can't breathe without needing your permission first in case heaven forbid they have an affair

Get his phone bills for the last few months and put your mind at ease. You know nothing he says is going to satisfy your suspicions. You need to know what has or has not gone on otherwise you'll end up tearing your relationship apart possibly for no reason.