I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

"Maybe he just likes the attention from this woman but doesn't necessarily want to have an affair?"

He should not be potentially looking outside the relationship for female attention and or ego stroking.

Sandy chick- sounds like you're blaming the op there. She would give him 'grief' so he had to lie. Bollocks.

What strikes me most is that he's treating you like a fool. Whatever else you decide, I think you have to make that stop.

If it was me, I'd want to know everything, but given that he's piled lie upon lie, your trust is bound to be shaken, so how can you be sure that the next version will be the truth? It's incredibly difficult. If he leaves for a day, it might will focus his mind on what's important, and it will give you time and space to do the same.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I like mamadigging's approach.

The reason he said "Anne or Kate" is to minimise the connection with one specific person. Like they're so forgettable and interchangable he couldn't possibly fancy or care about them. Is one of them the woman from 3 years ago?

that should have been 'a day or longer'...

Yes- is Anne or Kate the woman from 3 years ago? Does he talk about these women? Did he explain why he suddenly deleted the texts?

If its Orange the itemized bills are available on-line.
There probably isn't an affair but he thought he was being so clever so that he could still stay in contact with her and that is what would make me cross...he thinks he is smarter than you.

Hi, I had this type of scenario before with my ex, I knew things weren't quite right. I just had a feeling he wasn't happy, and he was talking about a girl he worked with.....alot! To cut a long story short, I checked his phone, and there was a message from someone under a surname. Just the surname, no first name, when I asked him who the text message was from he said the name of an old work collegue. he hadn't spoken to this work college for a long long time, and they weren't particularly friendly. In the end I found out about an affair with this girl he worked with, an affair where he said nothing happened, they only kissed!!!!! However, OW said a lot more happened.

I kicked him out, and to this day I don't know what happened in their relationship but he did cheated on me (even if it only was a kiss, it was all the lying and sneaking about that was the deal breaker for me).

I hope you find the strength to deal with this, but can I just say, in my opinion, he has no respect for you if he has lied to you. You only get one chance at life, don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Why are they all so shit at lying though?! The most transparent lies "it's either Anne or Kate". It confirms your suspicions. My ex was a shit liar. He kept doing it though.

Can I just also say, my ex never hid his phone, never had it on silent, he knew I trusted him never to cheat on me. It was just after the conversation we had where he told me he wasn't happy that I started to get suspicious, and even then, he never thought to hide his phone or put it on silent.

Oh op, that sounds awful. I would be furious.

Tell him he has to explain what's going on or there will be consequences.

He's still lying of course.

He said sorry for lying.

Did he say why he lied? Why he went to the trouble of putting 'Anne's' number under a man's name? Or was it 'Kate's' number? How could he go to the trouble of putting someone's number under a false name, and then not be able to remember whose number he was disguising?

Sorry, op, but this doesn't look good. If he wasn't up to something why would all this subterfuge, deletion and lying be necessary?

I would say the onus on him now is to prove he hasn't been cheating. Only itemised bills from now and three years ago will put your mind at rest.

Sorry op.

He has obviously had an inappropriate relationship with her at some point either in the past or in the present. It's absolutely obvious and clear. Since you can't acquire more evidence of this there is a stalemate and he hopes it will 'go away'.

The more time that goes by the more he can concoct an unlikely lie.

yes one of the anne/Kate is the woman from three yrs ago.

which I believe it is.

I have seen the male colleagues number in a text once before but never read it. But that was deleted when I next went on his phone.

Not heard back from him again.

I

Habitual liars don't make for a relationship based on trust.

He knew he would upset you and was crossing your boundaries which is why he lied and changed the numbers.

He disregarded your boundaries to do what he wanted anyway. A heathy relationship is based on one where both respect each other and try to please them.

So, is this always going to be the case? Can he change? If he can't, can't you live like that?

He is obviously desperately trying to think what he could say the reason is. He will probably come back with the 'minimized' version. this is standard for cheaters and will involve him saying they had flirty text chat and he knew it was a bit inappropriate so didn't want you to see it because it might upset you. He might apologize.

The other option is that there has been an on/off affair going on for the last eight years. This is not that unusual, I'm afraid. If it is a real romantic love affair he may confess to you and leave. Most likely he won't, as cheaters feel so destabilized by discovery that they often reach for the most stable thing in their life, their partner. This is to make them feel better though, and has no real bearing on truth or future.

He will also probably have told the woman about the discovery and accusation so they will have time to come up with their 'story' together. This makes it harder to find the truth by contacting her or getting him to contact her in front of you.

I'm sorry. Please don't let this go. You need to keep asking him the same simple questions and not filling the silences. Why is he not with you?

Oh do come on, this is not a bit off, or suspicious or anything like it.

YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN MESSAGING ANOTHER WOMAN!

No ifs, no buts, no maybes, if it turns out I'm wrong ill give £10 to a charity of your choice. And sad to say if he has gone to these lengths to hide it he's almost certainly been having an affair too, or at least trying to.

You can dress it up or reason it any other way you want, but deep down i suspect you know this to be true. Feel sorry for you.

Are you ok op?

Are you with your H now or did you not confront him face to face but through text?

Don't let the bugger off the hook.

You may still be able to see the start of the text depending on what type of phone he has. If you go to the contact and look at the history you can see the first couple of lines. This works with samsungs not sure about other phones.

He's at work today until 5, I don't really want to argue it out through text.

I feel ok, like its not really happening. I'm grateful he admitted it so I wasn't making myself crazy.

he says he got a text from an unknown number either kate or Anne and just saved it to his male colleagues name so I wouldn't be mad

What are you going to do to extract the truth?

Oh moonegirl that just reeks of lie. He really seems to think that you're stupid and that the truth is optional. Let him know that it isn't optional, it's compulsory if he's to stand even a tiny chance of making things better.