I think he's lying...but why?

[moonegirl]

In dh's phone I came across a text conversation from a male colleague he used to work with about eight yrs ago. (We regularly use each other's phones, for calls, texts, check each other's calendars. This is NOT a issue for us, we have always done this)
The texts were very friendly and about this specific job my dh is going to next week, the texts ended with kisses both from dh and the colleague.

I was surprised to see this old colleague had texted dh as he hadn't been mentioned for years and I didn't know they still crossed paths and dh would have mentioned this I think.

So I mentioned the texts to dh, just happy that they were working together again, and dh said yes he had moved teams and was involved in the job next week. I mentioned jokily about the kisses and dh laughed it off.

This is where my imagination took over, the context of the texts just don't add up. It was all work related but very detailed and the job the colleague does wouldn't know some of the detail.
(I have to be vague about the job as it is very sensitive)

For some reason my gut feeling is that the text was from a female colleague but he's put her under this old colleagues name.
The texts would make sense then as he and this female colleague work closely together a lot of the time.

Three years ago after our dc2 was born, we had issues where do had become distant and uninterested and I suspected he had become close to this female colleague which he denied.
I was suffering from pnd at the time and our relationship was under a lot of strain. He doesn't have this female colleagues phone number in his phone under her name.
Dh has continued to work with this female colleague since then and I've not had any issues with this and accepted they were just colleagues.

Dh deleted all the texts as soon as I'd looked at them, later I noted down the number and rang it from my phone as withheld but it said number unrecognised. So I think he's changed the number in his phone also.

I don't know what to do from here, I can't really bring my suspicions up as I have no proof but my intuition is screaming something isn't right.

Relationship wise were really solid and happy, I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree, this is so unlike me to write the number down and be untrusting etc but it's really nagging away at me.
What would you do?

"he says he got a text from an unknown number either kate or Anne and just saved it to his male colleagues name so I wouldn't be mad"

Well clearly his plan backfired; unfortunately secrets can have a way of revealing themselves and your own instinct was spot on.

It was not really an unknown number if it was from one of these two ladies. Also was this one of the texts full of kisses?. Why did he not delete it; he read it and then filed it under a male name. He wanted to see the message from this person. His excuses are just that, full of holes and poor ones to boot and he would not be as forgiving or kindly to you if the shoe was on the other foot. As for saving it to a male colleagues name, well that was just to throw you off the scent and deliberately done as well. He has acted with free will throughout.

He has lied to you throughout this whole sorry episode of his own making. He has admitted some truth in fact but I would think it is by no means the full extent.

You probably want to wake up in a minute.

The ball is very much in your court; use this time he is at work wisely to start to work out a plan for yourself going forward.

But why would you be mad if it was just a work related text from a female collegue?

I get texts all day from male collegues for work, I don't hide them under female names!

Oh dear OP

I can kind of imagine what might be happening if not a full-blown affair, which is that he has got so fascinated and obsessed by the women at work that he kind of fancies all/both of them. I'm not sure the Anna/Kate thing is necessarily a lie. Perhaps they're both single and there's a general, flirty culture at work. Or even that they all get off with each other! I'm imagining a sordid work culture here OP. The way your DH has told you that his job is hyper-important and top-secret, and involved preternatural levels of closeness between colleagues can only be half true, and indeed many philanderers I've known have emphasised the all-hours, top-secret, living-in-each-others-pockets aspect of their job as a way of legitimising spending lots of time crossing lines with colleagues they fancy.

He's being a shit and not paying you enough attention. I'd say he needs to move jobs.

"You probably want to wake up in a minute"

^ this.

Sorry. Please don't let him feed you bullshit.

No, sorry I didn't mean for that to sound like Op was to blame in any way.

I think some people are quick to judge tho. There has been quite a few posts on here saying he's obviously had an affair. I don't think that's helpful at all.

Like her Dh has said he put the number under another name so she wouldn't get mad. It could be as simple as that. Throwing accusations at him without any solid proof isn't going to help.

If the seed of doubt is there then no matter what her Dh says it is not really going to make a difference.

I would try to check the phone bill for this number or any other number number that crops up often etc. Then you can see if this really was a one off.

I'm not condoning his actions at all. I still think he needs to explain the xxx in his texts but this isn't proof that he's cheated.

Hope you get to the bottom of it op.

"Like her Dh has said he put the number under another name so she wouldn't get mad. It could be as simple as that"

As simple as that?!. Would you believe this?. Its not good anyway and no matter which way it is dressed up. I am certain as well that he would not be at all forgiving if this happened to be the other way around.

But why go to the trouble of doing all that in the first place, its basically trying not to get caught out.

Sorry sandy but i think you are a naive excuse make, he had an affair or was trying to have one. simple.

Thank you sandychick, I have a feeling this is exactly what has happened.
He's dug himself further and further into a big hole with the lying about it.

His work isn't seedy at all, but they work in dangerous situations and need to be close.

I'm in no way condoning anything he's done or his behavior.
I'm at home with three small children I haven't really had time to process it all yet.
Thanks for all the advice

The Anne or Kate is bizarre - does he work with both of them? Surely he knows who it is and is making this sound even more strange and suspicious by claiming not to.

Is it a personal or work phone? Can you access his emails or anything else?

Oh my goodness.

He put the text under another name so the op didn't get mad.

Oh ok then.

Why did he put the kisses????????? Got a 'simple' answer for that????

Op- out of all the responses in here you are agreeing with the one from the ONLY person minimising your husbands lying.

The trouble is that he is behaving as though he has something to be guilty about. He believes he has betrayed moonegirl in some way and that he has needed to cover his tracks.

I'm not naive, I've read enough threads on here to know the score but when it's YOU its happening to its very different.

wildthings- yes I agree I need to find out exactly why he put it under a different name.

To explain, there are two women he works closely with at work. call them Kate and Anne.
His excuse was he bumped into them last week and took their number as he would need it for nexts week job. He put it under a male colleagues name.
This is what I need to question and then the lying from there.

"They work in dangerous situations and need to be close".

Did he tell you this?. Where are the professional boundaries here, there seems to have been a distinct lack of boundaries from him and this other person as well.

I think you are now trying to explain all of this away as you did three years ago. You got through that time then but at great cost to yourself ultimately. On some level you probably feel you cannot leave because you now have very young children.

Do you now actually trust your H at all on any level?.

Why would he feel the need to hide that he was texting a female colleague though if it was innocent? Unless you're extremely jealous and don't let him talk to any other women (which I am sure you are not) it doesn't make sense.

The kisses on the messages along with the hiding it and lies when discovered would suggest at best that he's developed too close a relationship that he knows you wouldn't be happy with and at worst possibly an affair with the previous woman/someone new.

None of us can know but think you're being naive if you give him the benefit of the doubt. He's done something that he knows it out of order or he wouldn't have hidden it.

Not close as in sexual close, but close as in got each others backs. They work long shifts together.
If I told you, it would all click and you'd understand but then it would out me.

And this is also one way in how emotional affairs start; through a common purpose or shared bond in the workplace. Your H has likely developed an intense emotionally based connection with one of the women he works with; the opportunity has certainly been there and unfortunately for yourself it looks like he has acted on it.

I believe in this line of work (I can guess the nature of it), boundary crossing and affairs lead to a higher percentage than normal of relationship breakdowns and divorce

Your h knows this, because he already has form and should have examined why he gave himself permission to do it last time

Obviously, he still thinks he is entitled to lie to you and attempt to make a fool of you. Unfortunately, it seems you appear to concur, or at least I can see that you will be persuaded it was harmless. Again.

For what its worth, I don't think you are naive. It's a big deal to not trust your DH. That's the whole basis on which a marriage succeeds. So I can totally understand the need for absolute clarity and how easy it is to not trust your own instincts and worry you are over playing it.

The only way you are going to understand any of this is to ask him. He might lie more, he might not. At least he has admitted this stuff so far. I would be demanding to know why, if there is nothing going on, did he feel the need to delete the messages and change the number? I can't see a reasonable explanation for that.

Even if he is working long shifts (I thought perhaps one of the emergency services - police, fire service etc) he still has had full choice about workplace relationships and his primary loyalty should be to you his wife. He has not remained professional throughout. It does not seem to me that you are his first priority; someone else who he is attracted to is.

It says far more about him than yourself. I doubt very much he will tell you outright the answers to the many questions that you want.

I know I should be angry but I just feel worn out and numb.
He's a fucking idiot, I just asked him not to come home tonight but he won't have it.
He's the type of person to just not argue back once he thinks he's told you enough. So Im bot sure how much detail ill actually get.
Fucked off, wish it was 7pm and the kids were in bed

As a few people have said, listen to what your instinct is telling you. How many straight men would put kisses at the end of a text? I do hope you are wrong though.

I don't think he's admitted anything really. He HAD to admit that it was a woman as op had him banged to rights. He couldn't continue down the 'me and my male colleague were putting kisses on the end if our texts' route. He has only admitted enough to make it slightly more plausible. In doing so he has thrown the 'blame' back at op...he only did it so she wouldn't get mad.

The next thing will be 'see, I TOLD you you'd get mad...this is why I hid the name' blah blah blah

moone, i know it is different when it happening to you. It is different because you are more subjective and blinkered, not less.

I understand you don't have enough to be sure about an affair. And I understand it is much easier not to think that. That's fine.

But he didn't just 'put it under someone else's name?' Did he. you know this. He actively then DELETED THE NUMBER and/or CHANGED THE NUMBER so that when you went back it, found it, wrote it down and rang it it didn't exist. Also, when you saw the same name before he deleted that text. Plus this is the same woman that you had a 'gut feeling' about after the birth of your second child (a prime time for male affairs) when he distanced himself and you, understandably, had a dalliance with depression.

Please look back at my earlier post where I said what he would dow which would be to come with you with the most minimized story possible. This is exactly what he has done.
I accept and understand that the easiest going for you to do is want to believe him and so believe him. I am no saying he is STILL having an affair or that he even had a full blown 'affair' at the time. But there is no way that is the full story, OP, I'm sorry. It's absolutely fins to stay with him or even to choose not to challenge him further. It's even okay for you to choose to believe that story because it's impossible to prove and makes it easier and less painful for you.

But I'm afraid that doesn't make it true. Good luck and we are here if you need us. It's not judgement I promise, it's recognition.

Fwiw I'm sorry you're going through this shit op.

Not nice at all.