DH thinks I am being antisocial and deliberately avoiding his company in the evening.

[DamnLiesAndStatistics]

I'm after some advice, I've told him that I'm not being antisocial but he won't have it and thinks I'm doing it to avoid him.
Sorry if it's boring with timings and possibly tmi. I get in from work at about 5/5:30 depending on how busy I've been and I go straight into the kitchen to cook the evening meal, we're all hungry obviously so I don't really hang about, by the time we've eaten it it's about 6-6:30 ish, I guess. I normally go into the living room and watch a bit of tv with DH, a single programme, say about 45 minutes?

This is where it gets a bit tmi, sorry. I do the washing up and tidying away etc and make a packed lunch for DS and then I usually need a poo (cringe). I want to go upstairs to the toilet and perhaps have a shower, it's usually about 7:15/7:30 by this time. DH wants me to watch tv with him. He says he doesn't want to be alone in the living room anymore as he's had enough of watching it alone during the day, he says I should wait till 11pm when he usually goes to bed before I have my shower etc.
I've told him its not me avoiding him, I just need to go to the toilet then and want a quick shower earlier. What can I say to convince him?

Ah c,mon, no one lives likes this! He is telling you when to have a shit! Srsly?

I'm going to take this on face value. I think the poo reference was made as the OP's way of saying that they have a genuine reason to be in a bathroom in the evening. By contrast, a shower on its own might be interpreted as an optional thing that could be put back a few hours.

Agreeing with others that this man sounds incredibly lazy and has an inflated sense of his own importance. Calling someone 'antisocial' for taking a shower and demanding they sleep face to face for the same reason sounds very unpleasant. If the OP is working FT I'd assume his retirement package can't be all that generous and yet golf (at a club populated by the rich and famous) is a very expensive hobby. How are household financial decisions being made, I wonder?

I wouldn't be surprised if there were more examples of lazy, selfish and unreasonable behaviour.

My dh is semi retired, and in his 60's, I work full time.
He- cleaned, cooks, does laundry and shopping ( about 70%, I do the other 30%). He also likes a game of golf.

He does not- Accuse me of ignoring him if I sleep in a comfortable position, tell me when to showers or take a dump.

Your dh does not treat you as he does because of his age, but because he's a twat and you out up with it.
Simples.

*put, bloody fat fingers!

OP, please come back!

OP, does he know why you're in the bathroom in the evenings ? Surely he doesn't want you cuddled up on the sofa with him, while you're nursing a tortoise-head.

Scream !

buy yourself a potty and poo next to him while watching telly. then leave the poo for him to clean up.

Have just read up on the Justin Lee Collins case: that is horrifying. The recording of their argument where he tells her that she is only allowed to look at inanimate objects but never men is frightening.

YANBU. I'm on a completely different evening timetable, but after the DC have gone to bed, I always spend 45 min or so on my own before joining my DH. Usually I spend this time on the sofa MNetting but sometimes I have a bath. DH would prefer it if I joined him right away but he understands that after being surrounded by people (workmates, DC) the whole day, I really need a bit of time and space on my own to regroup.

It's not like you're ignoring your DH completely; you sit and watch a bit of telly with him before you go up. He is being very selfish, spoilt and childish as everyone else has said.

Oh wait, I just read the thread and realised that he doesn't work during the day, but expects you to do all the cooking and housework.

And then to be at his beck and call until he goes to bed at 11pm.

Fuck that. Sorry, love, he's a prick.

Chinny rekon

I agree with CogitoErgo.
DamnLiesandStatistics, let's review:
You work full time. That is time away from him, but that is not considered (by him) to be antisocial or avoiding him. Hmm, because he benefits. Your income is financing the golf fees, the golf wardrobe fees, the golf pro shop/equipment costs, the 19th hole tab. Does he take lessons too?

Then you go straight to the kitchen to cook. This is time away from him, but that is not considered (by him) antisocial or avoiding him, again, because he benefits.

You then go watch a show on the telly with him...You did pay attention to him. Just to get a break no doubt. But there are chores to do so back at it.

You do the kitchen chores but that is not considered (by him) to be antisocial or avoiding him because he benefits. He does not have to do these chores himself and he gets a well kept environment.

To the point of the fact of a human function of having to poo, and the fact of showering for personal hygiene: he can not see how this benefits him, although it does because you are a healthy person and personal hygiene is pretty much required for holding down a job.

Wanting you to delay your needs for his want is out of order. You go back after your shower...You are only 45 min busy for you. This is why it is so outrageous. You do a hell of a lot and then he has the audacity to bitch about 45 minutes. Can not you son -baby- sit with him until you get back?

The sleeping facing him is just mind boggling (I sincerely hope you do not honor that). Time for separate bedrooms.

Can you see it yet? The control he has over you, and wants to have over you? The "all about him" dynamic? This is not healthy for you, friend. Emotional abuse is what it is. Sure there is stuff we do for our husbands because we love them and want to respect their preferences. Imho, your husband has abused this and is way over the line. That is what you can say to him to "convince him". But know that if he refuses to be convinced, that is his problem, not yours. Read Lundy Bancroft' s book about controlling men: Why Does He Do That?

How is he with DS (how old is he)? Or does he leave the parenting to you as it can be very difficult to have a child buy into this master/slave dynamic?

C'mon folks get with it. He plays golf with famous people, that gives him a golden ticket to treat his wife however she wants!

Seriously, why does being acquainted with celebrities OK him being a controlling lazy arsed twat?

If I was you OP I would stick to your guns but say yes, I am avoiding you OH as you're a prick and I'd rather read in the bath than watch you hog the remote all evening.

I'm wondering about the DS. He only appears as someone who needs his packed lunch, so I presume he is old enough not to need to be put to bed or have a story read to him. Sounds like you are creating another carbon copy of your husband

Is he Nigel ferage? (that auto-corrected to 'deface')
Doesn't do anything and wants a 50's wife.

/puzzledface

This is either a wind up

OR

you are in a horrible relationship with a horrible man. We aren't making fun of you, it just seems so unbelievable (I've heard lots of abuse stories, but controlling when you can poo is just out there. That's why people are finding it funny. Sorry if this really is true).

If it's true. Think hard about whether you want to live in this way and being treated in this way by a nasty, controlling man for the rest of your life.

This thread is a delight.
'please help, I'm being emotionally abused by my husband'

ha ha
this is why I love mumsnet
poo troll
chinny reckon

It's horrible isn't it where?
OP if you're still reading, no it isn't normal, yes he's very controlling, do you want to talk through how to change things.

Firstly, he's being horrible and a bit weird. Your time is exactly that - yours

Secondly, he is retired. So he has time to learn to cook.
If he is fit enough to play golf, he is fit enough to clean.

Thirdly (not sure if this would work in your house btw) I would suggest telling him that he'll be cooking while you shower rather than asking iyswim - the just push ahead and do it. A night or two of late / burnt meals should mean he learns quickly.

I don't mean to sound harsh but OP, it seems the situation of you doing most things and him having his own way has sort of grown on you so you don't see how strange it seems to outsiders

Good luck!

He sounds like a cunt. Give a fuck if he has famous mates. He sounds fucking dire.