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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH thinks I am being antisocial and deliberately avoiding his company in the evening.

197 replies

DamnLiesAndStatistics · 21/05/2014 18:45

I'm after some advice, I've told him that I'm not being antisocial but he won't have it and thinks I'm doing it to avoid him.
Sorry if it's boring with timings and possibly tmi. I get in from work at about 5/5:30 depending on how busy I've been and I go straight into the kitchen to cook the evening meal, we're all hungry obviously so I don't really hang about, by the time we've eaten it it's about 6-6:30 ish, I guess. I normally go into the living room and watch a bit of tv with DH, a single programme, say about 45 minutes?

This is where it gets a bit tmi, sorry. I do the washing up and tidying away etc and make a packed lunch for DS and then I usually need a poo (cringe). I want to go upstairs to the toilet and perhaps have a shower, it's usually about 7:15/7:30 by this time. DH wants me to watch tv with him. He says he doesn't want to be alone in the living room anymore as he's had enough of watching it alone during the day, he says I should wait till 11pm when he usually goes to bed before I have my shower etc.
I've told him its not me avoiding him, I just need to go to the toilet then and want a quick shower earlier. What can I say to convince him?

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/05/2014 18:59

I don't understand why he does hobbies all day. Is he retired?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 21/05/2014 18:59

So what does he actually do?

Given the limite info I think I would find it really hard to respect him and want to spend time with him.

3littlefrogs · 21/05/2014 18:59

What else does he do all day besides play golf and watch TV?

Betrayedbutsurvived · 21/05/2014 18:59

So, you work all day and do all the housework, while he watches tv and plays golf all day? You, my love, have bigger problems than him thinking you're anti social.

Original poster
DamnLiesAndStatistics · 21/05/2014 18:59

No, I want to watch tv, I just want half an hour upstairs to shower etc and then I'll come back down. I work full time so i leave the house soon after 8, I'm tired if I wait until after 11 to shower.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/05/2014 19:00

And NEVER EVER EVER by doing unpaid domestic chores in your home while other adults who live there do nothing.

joanofarchitrave · 21/05/2014 19:00

Poo on his lap.

Or else, demand that he comes and chats/chops for you while you cook.

Original poster
DamnLiesAndStatistics · 21/05/2014 19:01

He kind of retired by accident. Made redundant in his fifties, couldn't get anything else.

OP posts:
matildasquared · 21/05/2014 19:02

Well he's gonna have to learn. If you have kids you have to cook food for them. Otherwise they die.

Yes, but he's a man. Has no one explained gender differences to you? Headtilt

Seriously, OP, this would oppress me. Watching TV together isn't really quality time for me, and anyway if I worked all day came home, cooked for everyone, and then cleaned up, I'd be desperate for some me-time! Even if it were just wool-gathering on mumsnet catching up with the news online. I really think I would go mad if someone said, "But come and watch some boring TV with me so I don't have to sit alone!"

Maybe your sudden need for a bathroom break at that time is your body's way of guaranteeing you get a mental break and alone time at the end of the day! I'm kind of half-serious on that.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 21/05/2014 19:02

Does he have no pride? I get he is probably lonely but that doesn't excuse him not helping you.

Annarose2014 · 21/05/2014 19:03

So you come back down again and watch TV with him again? Sorry, I thought you were staying up there all night. If you come back down again then he needs to stop whining. There's nothing good on before 8.30 anyway!

Finney2 · 21/05/2014 19:03

He can cook while you shower. He needs to just fucking learn. Does he think women came out of the womb holding a whisk and wearing a pinny FFS?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/05/2014 19:04

Ugh
He sounds awful. I couldn't bear some selfish lazy dickhead telling me how to spend my precious leisure time when I've been working all day. If he wants the pleasure of your company he needs to enable that by doing some of your evening chores before you get home! And why is all the housework your job when he's retired? 50 odd is not old!

motherinferior · 21/05/2014 19:05

A daytime cookery class would solve a lot of problems.Grin

tethersend · 21/05/2014 19:05

Does he mean unsociable?

If you were antisocial, you'd do your poo on top of the telly.

Try doing a poo on top of the telly.

LettertoHerms · 21/05/2014 19:06

What does he do?

Do you come back down after showering?

It's hard to paint a picture. If you're working and doing everything I think he's out of order in that he's not helping you get things done so you can enjoy your evenings with him, it's on.

I understand him wanting more time with you, that in itself isn't a problem, I might feel the same if DP didn't sit with me in the evenings... but then I would be making dinner for DP after he came in from working longer hours while he showered or took time to himself. It seems there is more to this.

GeneralGrevious · 21/05/2014 19:06

He should have dinner ready when you get in I can't cook is not an excuse it's just a lack of training.

He needs to Dort himself out

Original poster
DamnLiesAndStatistics · 21/05/2014 19:07

It's just always been my job. He's literally never done it.

OP posts:
LettertoHerms · 21/05/2014 19:07

I hate typing on mobile! Cross posts!

motherinferior · 21/05/2014 19:08

So he expects you to wait, grubby and feeling slightly poo-polluted, till he has gone up and then shower?

Bugger that for a larkAngry

ProfYaffle · 21/05/2014 19:08

Eh? I don't know what he's moaning about. Dh and I potter about all evening doing our own thing then sit down together (usually with a glass of wine) to watch the good telly by 9pm. I'm a SAHM so on my own all day too but find this arrangement fine.

As other have said he IBU to demand you do all the chores then try and dictate when you have a shower. If he's that lonely he can do some voluntary work or something.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/05/2014 19:08

Just because you've always done something doesn't mean you have to continue doing it. It's ok to change things.

Can he read OP?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/05/2014 19:09

To be honest, I'd've told him to fuck off well before now. So much wrong with this picture!

I'm not surprised he couldn't get a job if he's not prepared to learn any new skills.

Yanbu to have a poo whenever you damn well feel like it, and it is ridiculous of your husband to expect you not to have a wash until after he has gone to bed for the sake of half an hour together.

Original poster
DamnLiesAndStatistics · 21/05/2014 19:09

I'm here on mumsnet instead of washing up!

OP posts:
matildasquared · 21/05/2014 19:09

Also, whilst his avoiding of chores is inexcusable, I can't get over the terribly sad picture of a man of 50 just sitting watching television all day. I mean, that's not much older than I am. Fancy sitting inside on a beautiful spring day, watching Jeremy Kyle when there are so many interesting and valuable things to be doing out there.

I think he needs a loving and firm talking to, and a referral to some MH services.

But yeah, no more making his goddamned meals in the meantime.