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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please just talk to me

370 replies

absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 10:54

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 10/06/2014 17:12

AH - do you really need legal advice? I thought the only assets were the savings and the ISAs, and I guess possibly his pension as he earns more than you.

He's left you half the savings and your ISA which I thought was equal to his. So that only leaves his pension. You could easily spend more than that on legal fees.

Unless he has other assets?

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 10/06/2014 17:25

My head isn't working- thanks for mentioning to report my post.

Hayday, I thought you couldn't do it without solicitors? I don't mind moving out at all and new build will be great, just the flat mate I'll need ASAP.

He has a pension, and equity in his company. It's not even the money I just feel like I want to hurt him. He said he will be "very disappointed in me" if I tried to come after any of his future earnings.

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 10/06/2014 17:37

The divorce can be done on your own. It's just a matter of form filling and paying a fee to the court. You can't get your divorce for 2 years though.

The splitting of assets is what you more frequently need lawyers for.

The pension and the company shares would be the most valuable things. But unless you can claim over £5,000 of it they would quickly get swallowed up by legal fees.

Spousal maintenance (future earnings)
The court takes eight factors into account in deciding whether or not to award spousal maintenance, namely:
1.your respective present and future income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources;
2.your respective financial needs, obligations and responsibilities;
3.your standard of living before the marriage broke down;
4.your age and the duration of the marriage;
5.any disabilities;
6.your respective contributions to the welfare of the family, including looking after the home or caring for the family;
7.your respective conduct;
8.any benefits a party will lose after divorce.

It might be worth getting a free half hour session with a lawyer just to see what they say.

HayDayQueen · 10/06/2014 17:38

Oh and next time he says 'he will be very disappointed in you'? Just tell him 'Life's full of disappointments, isn't it?!'

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 10/06/2014 18:24

Take him to the cleanersdisappointed in youmy arse !!

What about your disappointment in the way he has treated you.. 9 is a long time to be married to him

Fuck him

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 11/06/2014 10:56

HE TEXTED ME.

Said, "meet tonight at 6:30"

I texted back- Sorry, something has come up. Can we do next week instead?

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 11/06/2014 11:01

Not even a please? Tell him to do one. Arrogant arse.

Next time don't bother apologising AH.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 11/06/2014 11:18

I know, i need to just find my inner b.tch, i really, really do.

OP posts:
LBZT · 11/06/2014 12:03

I don't think it's about finding your inner b*tch, it's about understanding your own personal worth and not allowing others (ex) to treat you with anything less than respect.
He seems to lack manners (my pet hate). If he can't treat you with basic courtesy he's not worth your effort to engage with him.

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 12:03

I texted back- Sorry, something has come up. Can we do next week instead

Your response was perfect. Good work.

skyeskyeskye · 11/06/2014 12:19

If you want to divorce him now, you can go down the route of Unreasonable Behaviour, you shouldn't have to wait two years. My friend did that and did it all online.

Phoenixrising99 · 11/06/2014 12:23

I am sorry but I would go home, for a holiday, take a break and spend some time with your family. You need them and a break will do you the world of good. Don't make excuses why you can't go....just book the flight and worry about everything else later.

One step at a time, Right now you need family and to be away from the situation. Trust me i know but I have kids with my husband who has left me for another woman and therefore I am stuck with having to deal with him. But you can and should leave and buy yourself some space and time. Good luck sweetheart, I know you will pull through this, as I will.

Phoenixrising99 · 11/06/2014 12:25

Get online and book the flight today, charge it to him.

I had hair extensions 3months ago, £500 and charged it to my cheating husband! Felt so good!

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 12:26

^I don't think it's about finding your inner b*tch, it's about understanding your own personal worth and not allowing others (ex) to treat you with anything less than respect.
He seems to lack manners (my pet hate).^

Exactly. It's like dealing with an extremely ill-mannered co-worker.

You don't let them drag you down to their level (the gutter) by taking the bait and getting angry back. Instead, you remain composed and cordial ("polite") but dampen the warmth/friendliness you would use with a normal person. Keep it brief and to the point - any attempt at friendly "chit chat" is a no-no.

This takes resolve, and practice.

afluffylamb · 11/06/2014 12:29

Get online and book the flight today

She just returned to London after a visit home.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 11/06/2014 13:06

You go Phoenix, I want some new, VERY expensive shoes. shame he took all the money in our joint account.

Sky- that's interesting, I didn't know it can be done online. tbh, i jsut want it done and over and not have to fork out what little savings i have to do it.

LBZT and Fluffy, I've taken that onboard, my self esteem is at a ultimate low which is ironic considering he used to be so low in confidence and I've built him up over the years, clearly creating a monster.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 11/06/2014 13:29

Don't think Phoenix has RTFT!

Anyway - you were a lot more polite than I would have been. My inner b.tch is never far from the surface!

What does he want, anyway? It's not likely to be good. Not for you, anyway.

Heathcliff27 · 11/06/2014 13:36

Just read this, I don't have any further advice than what's already been said but hang in there OP, things do start to get clearer, the fog will lift. You're already showing him you're getting stronger.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 11/06/2014 14:57

The heartless bastard. I asked the lettings agency to send me the correspondence they've had with him- he told them "my wife and I are splitting up, please take this as immediate notification" SEND ON OUR 9th ANNIVERSARY. They emailed him back to say when "we" should be out, he just replied "fine by me".

they've also send a long list of things that need to happen if we want our security deposit back (which I paid, years ago using a bonus), including any holes filled, professional steam clean etc etc. He mentioned none of this and didn't reply to them either.

I was feeling somewhat more human earlier and now i'm back at feeling shit.

Just tell me he is a bastard. someone.

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 11/06/2014 16:02

He is a bastard. Utterly heartless. Splitting up is bad enough, but it happens: no need to make it worse.

LBZT · 11/06/2014 16:03

He's showing you who he is and it's not pretty.
Don't waste your energy being mad at him (I know very hard) the only thing you want to control here is you and how you react/behave through this.
Remember who you, you are a woman of integrity, decency, kindness and fairness, do not lower yourself to his level, you are worth to much for that.
Practically speaking can you do this list yourself or are you going to need help?
Plus I know that it's not my place to say this but I strongly recommend NC with your ex he's just not worthy of your attention.

Granville72 · 11/06/2014 16:08

He's a Bastard.

Don't waste your time. Divorce and move on. Get some legal advice, most solicitors will give half hour free.

Oh and ensure all bills for preparing the flat for handover go directly to him

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 11/06/2014 17:12

Thank you everyone.

I know nothing about DIY. I'm sure you wise lot can talk me through it though.

x

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 11/06/2014 17:19

He's a complete and utter bastard!

Check with the agents who they will make the check for the bond out to.

DIY is easy. Google is your friend. A whole bunch of clever guys have posted You Tube clips on how to do just about everything!!!!!

wouldbemedic · 11/06/2014 18:32

OP, I'm new to the thread (but not new to shitty partners). Your ex has shown himself to be a truly awful man and I have so much respect for you getting through these dark days. Looking at how he's treated you, I would definitely see a future without him as a silver lining in all this.