Please just talk to me

[absolutelyhopeless]

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

I think it costs around £400 for the petition filing fee and the decree nisi/absolute. (Its all changed a bit since I did it in 2012).

He might not agree to the grounds for UB. I see that the government page also mentions "desertion" as well. If you can sort out the finances between you and there are no DC or property, then you can easily do it online.

www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

www.divorce-online.co.uk/

A couple of links there for you. I am really sorry to post them, but having been there, I am now glad that I did it asap and didn't wait 2 years. If it is definitely over, then there is no point hanging around. Do it and move on with your life. You can still take the time to grieve and work through everything at your own pace, even if you divorce asap.

Just a thought--if the deposit is to be returned who's bank account will it be paid into. If it is his l think you can kiss it goodbye-you will not see any of it.
Can you get onto the letting agency and find this out. If it has to go to his l would not be inclined to do any of the repair work--or let him do it.

You deserve much better than this spineless twat

Good point, OhIdo.

Re the grounds for divorce - why are you doing it? If he wants to divorce shouldn't he be paying for it? And re Unreasonable Behaviour - again, if he wants to divorce then he shouldn't be contesting it even if you are the one bringing the claim.

OP, let us know what needs doing and we can give you some pointers; if it's just filling in a few holes or repainting then that is not too hard. I don't live too far from you and can help, if you PM me.

Morning everyone.

I am well and truly as my name says this morning. Been frantically trying to find a place to live. Placed 8 ads, responded to about 50 and seen a place last night. just a room but it looked ok, thought i can store furniture for a few months. I got there and it was HORRIBLE. as in, peeling wallpaper, severely stained carpets and a stain going up the stairs that i'm sure is pee. I left there and just cried. I'm so house proud and made our little place so nice and homely. :(

Skye- thanks for the links, will gather myself from floor and have a look. I Spoke to the agency (who are horrible btw) and they had no idea i was even still in the flat. I asked them to send me all future correspondence and leave him out of it- no idea if they will. I paid the deposit out of a bonus I earned years ago so it's technically mine and I can really do with that money.

I guess after the way he has treated me and changed my life, I don't want to continure being "Mrs" something. And in the future, if I wanted to meet someone or go out, how do you explain that.. oh btw I'm still married. Maybe i'm overthinking all of this, i'm just tired of it all.

We haven't got too much hanging but a few holes need covering up and a bathroom cabinet taken down. We (I) have looked after the place like it was my own.

Abs - you are not hopeless, so change your name!

You have a few weeks to keep looking for a place; I'm sure something will come up. Change agency if you don't like this one. There are many agencies, and the internet. You still have plenty of time. You will find somewhere to make your very own. No more dirty pants or socks to pick up. (other than your own )

Re the filling of holes - get some ready-mixed polyfilla or a fab product called Red devil. It comes in a tub and is apparently made of ground glass, (so the DIY shop said) and it goes into holes and smooths off really lovely. Touch-up paint, job done.

You are sounding strong. Keep going. for you

Oh - re the 'mrs' - I've been divorced for 4 years and still use Mrs. Sometimes I'm Ms if it is not going to set off some 'feminist' thing, but I don't actually see what my marital status is to do with anyone else. Call yourself what you like.

Have PMed you, Abs

I'm meeting him tonight at 6.30 for the first time since all this happened. NOT looking forward to it but going to try and stay strong and business like.

Any advice on how to not cry etc etc? Bastatrd doesn't deserve to see me upset.

I don't know, I either dig my fingernails into the palm of my hand or one finger into my thumb in an effort to stop emotions from showing.

Can't keep that up to long though!

I use a technique at funerals etc - i detach as much as possible, think of other things, inspect the carpentry/wallpaper/other people .

Are you going to a neutral place? Pub? Park? A walk in the park would be better than sitting and just having him to concentrate on, IYSWIM.

Good luck.

Starbucks- fun.

I'm going to dig my nails in and think of coffee beans.

he even made it an out of the way starbucks for me. selfish to the last degree.

Well then don't agree to it.
Tell him it's XX Starbucks or you aren't bothering.
You are still being manipulated by this man.
You are in control now.
You call the shots.
Don't meet somewhere out of YOUR way.
That's not the thing to be doing.
He wants the meeting, he goes out of HIS way.
What is wrong with this man?

Agree - why should you stress yourself, put yourself out, for a meeting he wants? Tell him to meet you nearby, or email you.
And I've thought about the distraction thing, and actually I'd advise getting ANGRY! I often wondered how Charles Spencer got through Diana's funeral speech without breaking down, and I think it's because he was so angry at the royal family. Remember, the best form of defence is Offense! How bloody dare he dump you like this? How dare he walk away and leave you homeless after 9 years? How could he trample on all your dreams and life plan? He is a bastard and doesn't deserve your time,... etc and so on. I hope you can think of others. Get angry, it's a shield. Even if tears come, you can call them tears of rage!

I'm pretty f.cking angry actually. I have to pick up all the pieces he's just carelessly and ruthlessly dumped behind. What sort of man does that? He really does NOT deserve me.

At least i've managed to shower, put make up on and went to Zara yesterday and bought a new dress i'm wearing today. Vast improvement on the constant pj's of the last two weeks. I want to walk in and look amazing and then hopefully scare the hell out of him. Oh and I'm wearing the new heels I bought before he stole our last money.

Bastard. I'm going to channel all the scorned women out there.
That time of the month so I'm praying my hormones doesn't interfer.

Good for you , abs. New clothes, new attitude, killer heels. And MAD! (Zara is perfect for this!)

When is the 'meeting'? Any idea what he wants?

Oh and I notice you even have that 'witchdoctor' bourgoin on your thread! All the best ones do these days, you know!

Hi absolutely - I'm afraid that I don't have any advice, but you seem to be doing really well. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit. Think of all those international friends you had - people from all across the world find you great company! And they still will.

Just a gentle push to get some legal advice. Firstly, his comment about being "disappointed in you" if you go after future earnings is absolutely hilarious. OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT. You have supported him as his wife for the last 9 years, and you have made sacrifices in the relationship which has allowed him to do a job which earns four times more than you.

You really need to let a lawyer do the money side of the house, whilst ensuring that you aren't getting screwed over in the process. You are fully entitled to that money and do't let him try to bully you into thinking otherwise.

how are you Abs?

I thought of you today - went to a south african 'market' and just had to buy Biltong! My S.A. dp loves it - and our local butcher apparently makes the best boerewors in the world. Here in Surrey!

How did the meeting with exH go?

Hi Captain,

I need biltong right now! I popped an anxiety tablet before i saw him. You would have been so proud. I held my head up high and didn't cry one. I took the advice from someone here- dug my nails into my hand. He was a complete bastard from the start. Said he won't pay me any money as that will complicate his life with his future wife and kids!!!

Oh and he wants me to pack up everything but he wants the kitchen aid!

I'm amazed that you didn't slap him!

Good for you. Now time to see a lawyer and put him through the RINGER!!!

He wants you to pack everything up? Even his crap? Ooo, I'd do exactly that-into black bin bags! These would be accidentally left outside on bin day...
Well done on the meeting, I bet you looked absolutely fab. That is really the best revenge!
So, future wife and kids? What's the betting she is already lined up, and has been for a while? Whoever she is, she is getting a real catch there!

Not.

Pack up your own things and leave his behindwhat do you need his shit for and if the landlord wants to dump it--well that ain't your problem.
Don't meet up with him again-you have nothing to say to this alien who was once your husband. he is certainly showing his true colours now.
Leave him the kitchen aid--shame it wasn't working/broken

Good luck OP. wise people here will be able to help.

His future wife and kids?? What the kids he never wants.
What a turd this guy is. Go after him for every last penny you can. He deserves nothing less!!

And I'd be asking him to confirm his rectal dimensions, just so you can be sure the Kitchen Aid will fit where it belongs...

Narcissist. Have you googled this term?

He wants the KitchenAid? That's hilarious. And typical. My ex said he wanted his bicycle and his cookery books.

He didn't mention our baby son once.

The sooner you are shot of this wanker the better. They always think some other 'better' woman is going to make all their woes come right. Sad really.

He already has another woman Abs. By the time he has brought her to her knees, you will be well over him.

I disagree with breaking the KitchenAid. I would just hang on to it. They are very useful. And expensive. You could always bung it on ebay.

Plus, if you don't hand it back as per his snotty order, he might put it in a solicitor letter at some point which you can then put on the wall of your downstairs bog and laugh at forever: "My client requests the KitchenAid, his signed copy of 'Mary Berry Best Bites,' plus the full set of French linen from the upstairs cupboard on the right by the boiler...." Yes, twunts like your h actually do dictate letters like this and think they are oh-so in the right.

We're right here nudging you carefully and wisely and lovingly through this nightmare girl. x