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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please just talk to me

370 replies

absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 10:54

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 02/06/2014 19:34

Thank you mummy. Yes I reckon the haircut will follow when I'm back. If I went here I'll come out with a purple rinse.

Taz2 I'm sorry I missed your comment, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I tried to msg you but I'm being a technophobe and can't work out how. Somehow being abandoned and having my heart broken has also made me stupid. Feel free to msg me.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 03/06/2014 08:02

Ah - there is a button on the right of each message saying 'message poster'. That takes you to a page you can write your message. if you get a PM it will show at the top of the MN page - next to 'My Mumsnet' thre is a little envelope . If there is a PM it will come up with a red dot.

Did I read that you are coming back soon? I hope you bring some SA sunshine with you! (althou I think it's going into autumn? It feels like that here too!)

Yeah don't get a blue rinse! Unless it is a 'ironic' blue rinse, like Kelly Osbourne. That's apparently a thing now.

How's your mum? And Aunt? And have you seen the mouthy cousin?

DangerRabbit · 03/06/2014 12:40

Sorry to hear about the appealing treatment you have got from your ex. I have found this thread written by someone in Kingston who is looking for childcare in return for a low rent room, maybe you could message the poster?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2094860-To-offer-this-room-for-100-pcm-It-would-solve-my-childcare-difficulties#47392525

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 03/06/2014 14:45

Thanks mummy,

I'm messaging from my iPhone for which I suspect might have a slightly different configuration. I have my iPad with me so maybe I'll try from there instead.

My mum is doing ok, thanks for asking. My aunt has had another cancer scare so needs a check up.

I've deleted my b.tch of a cousin from Facebook and I've had no contact with her. I fly back on Thursday afternoon. Would love to bring back plenty of African sun but it's a chilly 16 degrees here! Hope you are having a good week!

OP posts:
captainmummy · 05/06/2014 08:30

Are you coming back today Ah? The sun is out!

Hope you have a good trip, and you are feeling slightly better than when you went out!

What are your plans for th weekend? A

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 05/06/2014 14:38

Hi everyone

Hold my hand!!! I'm at the airport, got 1 hour to wait then flying to Johannesburg for another 2hr wait. I've got 30min free wifi at the mo.

Just bought a beer to wash down my anxiety tablet. My mum nearly had a breakdown and left as soon as she dropped me off.

X

OP posts:
captainmummy · 05/06/2014 16:25

Hope the flight goes quickly ah. And I hope the tablet helps.

We've not stopped holding you hand

skyeskyeskye · 06/06/2014 10:35

I've just caught up with the thread again and see that you are probably home by now. I hope that the break has done you good and that the AD's kick in soon. You will feel so much better once they start working. They enabled me to feel "normal" again which helps you to deal with everything.

Keep posting, everyone is here for you

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 07/06/2014 14:42

I'm in such a bad place. He gave notice on the flat. Last day is 21 July.

I can't do this .

I keep throwing up

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 07/06/2014 18:23

That might just be a combination of alcohol and antidepressants.

Have you had a look at any rental places? Or found any that you want to have a look at?

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 07/06/2014 20:11

I can't. I don't know how to do this on my own. I scare myself.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 07/06/2014 20:29

We're going to help you with what you need.

Pinkballoon · 07/06/2014 20:55

Look at moving to the outskirts of London, its cheaper. You'll probably be able to rent a small house for what you'd pay for a room in SW London!

Ignore him and what he's doing. He's a twat. Same old script and behaviour as so many men. Concentrate on getting all your stuff packed up and organising yourself.

HayDayQueen · 07/06/2014 21:07

Storage unit for the furniture, and camp out with a friend until you're strong enough to find a place for yourself.

undermyskin · 08/06/2014 15:26

I have pm'd you.

captainmummy · 09/06/2014 08:04

Ah - it's probably a god thing; new start and all that. i know it looks desperate and you feel overwhelmed, but I'm sure you are stronger than you think.

5-6 weeks is plenty to find a new place. We can help! You don't need him. You've got us.

longtallsally2 · 09/06/2014 08:35

Ok Deeeeep breath. You can do this. You have the power of MN on your side, lots of practical advice and support here.

One step at a time. You need to find somewhere to live: it may be temporary - you can move elsewhere, find a different job in future, but for now you need a roof over your head. Did you message the poster who needs a lodger in London and is offering very cheap rent? link here She sounds lovely if she is in the right part of London for you. Otherwise it is the local paper/online searches and visiting house shares. Find someone nice to live with for a while. You will meet new people and have someone to talk to.

Then step two is to look into selling or storing furniture - or can you afford to keep your flat on, and take in a lodger to split the costs?

However, one step at a time. And let MN help you.

HayDayQueen · 09/06/2014 09:07

Longtallsally - it's a 1 bedroom flat, so a lodger won't work I'm afraid.

longtallsally2 · 09/06/2014 10:36

Sorry: I do hate it when people don't read the whole thread.

HayDayQueen · 09/06/2014 10:47

Oh, don't worry! It may not actually be on the thread, I've met and spoken with AH so that's why I know.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 09/06/2014 13:29

Hi everyone,

At work today and keep having waves of massive panic and anxiety. Got tablets but only allowed one a day and want to keep it for when i get in. Am i ever going to feel better? Ever? If i can't keep him then what hope have I got? He said I've stopped him from seeing his friends and family?! How is that true.

I just want to feel normal again. He also said my fear of rejection (dad leaving me when i was 3) has caused the very thing I fear- being rejected! Apparently I've controlled everything he does on a sub-conscious level.

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 09/06/2014 13:42

Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him. Relationships break down sometimes. It's sad - it rips your heart out when it happens - but there's no point in trying to go into all of the blame and who said what. It's sad but we survive and usually go onto lead full and happy lives.

Well done on getting into work. You will get through this and feel better one day. It will stop hurting, but is all very new and raw for you at the moment, and just when you want to curl up and be looked after, you have got to make some decisions. IME nothing will ever be as bad as having your heart broken for the first time. And it is harder for you as you are in another country, having moved her to be with him, when you were very young.

But you will survive. One step at a time, or if the panic gets worse, one breath at a time. You need to go right back to basics. Keep eating a little at a time. Find somewhere to live and keep working. Find a solicitor, and get a good financial settlement.

Then in the future you can start to think about new friends, new homes, new jobs, holidays, good times . . . . They all seem a long way away now but they are there waiting for you.

HTH. Thinking of you.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/06/2014 14:20

Don't listen to him
They all do this. Re-write history to try to justify being a lying cheating scumbag.

Well you can't keep him and there is tonnes of hope for you and your future.

I doesn't feel like it now and it won't for a while yet.

You will get better though. Things will improve. You will see a light at the end of the tunnel.

But for now, day by day. Take small steps towards your new future.
It took months for the tears to lessen. I honestly thought that there should be an end to tears. But they went on and on and on.

So so so many of us have been right where you are. And we are all here to tell you that things do get better. You do start to get over it. Your life will be wonderful in a year or 2.

It feels completely bleak and hopeless right now. We know that feeling. But please believe us all. You WILL get through this!

HayDayQueen · 09/06/2014 14:26

Right, and yet HE's the one with lots of friends to go out with, and you don't have any.

YOU somehow had the time to do all the housework, and he didn't.

He's a selfish arse and in his head that doesn't sit right so now he's trying to blame you.

Although he might be right about the rejection bit, that's why you're finding it so hard to let go of him now.

The fact is that if you are in a relationship you will see less of your friends and extended family, because you have become a unit. Not wanting to accept that means he was never ready for marriage in the first place.

captainmummy · 09/06/2014 15:05

LTSally - that is an interesting thread; Ah you could do worse than move in with the poster. i used to live in Worcester Park and it is nice, mainline into Waterloo, village feel.

Ah - you fear rejection? Well, now that he has done that, the fear is over, IYSWIM. You can't fear the rejection any more; he's gone. Now you have one less fear to face!

If i can't keep him then what hope have I got? well, for one thing, you can now hope for someone better! There can't be much worse out there. And please stop thinking of this as your fault; 'I can't keep him' - you are not a jailor. It's his choice to screw you over, not your fault for being unloveable.

I hope you access some anger - it's the most motivating, kick-ass emotion! That will help sustain you - get angry!