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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please just talk to me

370 replies

absolutelyhopeless · 19/05/2014 10:54

Hi everyone,

I am 31, live in SW London and married for 9 years. This is my first ever post as I'm not a "mum" but beentrying for a baby and also coming to the site for advice whenit comes to buying a house. So my husband told me this week that he wants a divorce. I'm completely blind sided and devastated. We have had problems through the years but always things i thought we could work on. We have been trying for a baby and also trying to buy a house. I've livedin London for 12 years but I've become so invested in my marriage that I have hardly any friends. All my family live in South Africa, where I'm from originally.

I asked him how he can do this to me and his anwser is that he has been feeling like this for two years but staying with me because he feels sorry for me as he knows I have nowhere to go. I'm physicaly sick to my stomach, can't stop shaking and really do not know what to do next. Any advice/support or anything would be so much appreciated right now. I am at work but really do not know how i will make it through the day.

OP posts:
afluffylamb · 09/06/2014 19:09

"He's a selfish arse and in his head that doesn't sit right so now he's trying to blame you."

AH, HayDay is correct.

I find your F*ckwit Husband's carry-on absolutely disgusting. From what you have described he is using classic manipulative tactics in order to make you internalise the blame for his horrid behavior.

Your vulnerability because of your father does nothing to lessen his culpability, in fact, quite the opposite. His actions are objectively immoral, and EVEN MORE SO because he has acted with full awareness of your vulnerability.

Further, he is now trying to twist it by shifting guilt from himself to you by implying that you are "overreacting" and are somehow deficient to confuse you in order to make himself look like the "stable" one, when he is the one who has behaved erratically.

I note how he uses the language and concepts of psychology in order to wrap himself in apparent righteousness and reasonableness. This type of manipulation is known as an Alinsky tactic. Manipulation like this is very subtle, and when you are caught in the midst of it can be impossible to see let alone cope with rationally.

There are ways to end a marriage which, howver sad, show concern for the other person's well-being. This is the opposite of that.

I cannot stress enough how sick and disgusting I find this behaviour. I don't think this sorry excuse of a man could get any lower.

afluffylamb · 09/06/2014 19:16

"Your life will be wonderful in a year or 2."

I think it's unwise to generalise about patterns of grief. AH's life WILL get better there is no doubt, but there is no correct timetable for grief.

For example, two men can both lose a "beloved" wife in their 30s. One man may remarry within six months but the other may cherish her memory for the next 50 years and find himself unable to love another. Modern psychology would label the latter man as having "morbid grief" but I disagree. People love differently and they grieve differently. Some do "move on" fully (as the phrase goes) but others limp along. This does not mean those in the latter category are somehow inferior or less "healthy."

I am certain AH is not only well-rid but also will find love again, and next time with a much better man, but we don't know what the timetable will be. The manner in which this has been done to her is so horrific that I suspect it will take longer than one year but who knows.

One final comment: What AH is experiencing is as bad, if not worse, than death of a spouse.

Smokinmirrors · 09/06/2014 21:05

Hmmm. Trying to channel you some strength op. I went through this. Including the money thing.

You're getting some cracking advice and support here. I do love MN.

May I quietly ask you just to clarify what the as-of-now position regarding money and the flat? Have you tackled him about taking half the money and have you put the other half into a secure sole account?

What has he said about the financial situation?

Can you please print up all bank statements showing he has removed the money from your joint account.

Have you frozen the joint account - and if so do you have a functioning sole account you can live on?

He has given notice on the flat you say - does this mean the tenancy is in his name only? Do you not need both signatures to give notice?

You need to see through the tears for a good hour or three and be a little ruthless here. I am styill not entirely sure why you are agreeing to him having given notice on the flat, forcing you into a very difficult living position.

What have your in-laws said about this?

nespressofan · 09/06/2014 21:22

Just a quick update. AH popped in to mine for an hour or so yesterday. She is 'bearing up' (hate that phrase) but not in a good place. I'm hoping she will come back on Friday and stay overnight or the weekend - whatever she wishes. I know AH appreciates all your comments and help. Thank you x

captainmummy · 10/06/2014 08:15

Glad she has you to talk to Nespresso. Thanks

Ah - hope you have a good day today. have you got legal advice yet? I know it seems a huge pile of things to do, but it might make you feel more in control?

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 10/06/2014 09:29

Ok everyone, can I once again ask for your help. I'm not sure where to post about property but if any of you can spare 5min to help me look I would SO appreciate it. I've worked out I can afford up to 650-700 a month which means a unfurnished or part furnished flat of 1000-1400 that I would share. Roughly equal sized rooms is also important. I'm open to areas but ideally zone 1-3 otherwise my travel will be more. I'm worried about the bit where i'd have to front all the costs first and then risk not finding someone but I just want to get on with it. Being in the flat is really not healthy for me.

You have all been so supportive of me and held my hand, please, please ask around. I'm incredibly tidy (one of my faults was that i cleaned all the time apparently).

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 10/06/2014 09:40

AH, have you thought about Epsom? I know its further out than you are now, but a quick look shows that an all bills included double room costs around £500 - £600 a month. A monthly train ticket with travel card costs £232.80.

The train services from there are very frequent, with a few fast trains as well. Trains run to Victoria, Waterloo and to London Bridge.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 10/06/2014 09:48

Hayday, my monthly travel is 138 at the moment and my concern is the furniture. i hate to get rid of it and i'd love to find something to make "mine". i guess i can't be fussy at this stage, just thought somewhere there might be something. i don't even want to be doing any of this :(

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 10/06/2014 09:52

Check the houses/flats in Gumtree, a lot of them are unfurnished. You could also advertise there for someone to share a place with you in advance of finding it, so you can go and look together.

nespressofan · 10/06/2014 09:53

Have a look on zoopla.com for flats. So you get an idea.

HayDayQueen · 10/06/2014 09:53

Search 'someone to share' and you will find the ads of people looking for someone to share with.

captainmummy · 10/06/2014 13:41

AbsH - look on Trovit try these - a quick look for 1-2 bed flats brought up plenty in your price range. Not sure where you want to be.

captainmummy · 10/06/2014 13:43

You could even look at houseshares - my ds1 found a dbl room in Mile End for about £650pm through (I think) a site called SpareRoom. Not sure about the furniture tho, most houseshares would be furnished.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 10/06/2014 14:17

placed ad on Spare room this morning. NO responses. I feel miserable at having to do this :( it's overwhelming.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 10/06/2014 14:30

Umm, it takes a little while, Abs! I know it's miserable, and you don't want to be doing it at all, but it is you taking a little bit of control back.

Legal advice?

hellsbellsmelons · 10/06/2014 14:45

You could also post on Easyroommate.com
They are quite good as well.
It won't be long.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 10/06/2014 14:55

I need to get legal advice! Where and how. why can't I think straight. PANIC is horrible.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 10/06/2014 15:00

www.morrlaw.com/family

here's another one.

Original poster
absolutelyhopeless · 10/06/2014 15:17

I've emailed TWM. It seems so expensive. How does he get to do this but i have to find the money!!

OP posts:
absolutelyhopeless · 10/06/2014 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nespressofan · 10/06/2014 15:46

If you google solicitors and the town you want, you may find cheaper. Shop around I guess

skyeskyeskye · 10/06/2014 16:02

AH. Your H's comments are all part of the script, blaming you for everything. He has to turn it all round on you because it can't possibly be his fault in his head.

You will get through this. Everybody does in their own fashion. It took me a very long time as I was deeply depressed and in shock and grieving for the man who walked out so suddenly. But two years on, life is ok and I'm seeing someone else.

It will get better believe me, but it won't happen overnight.

Good luck with the house hunting.

longtallsally2 · 10/06/2014 16:54

AH you may want to report your last post - you have included names which will make you easily identifyable. Just click on Report, at the right hand side of the message if you want MNHQ to delete your post, or take out the names . . . .

Best of luck with the househunting. Sorry, can't remember whether you have savings/a joint account, but do dip into them to get this sorted out.
After 9 years of marriage you should be entitled to a good share of any joint resources. Try CAB for free legal advice too.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/06/2014 16:56

Do you mind moving?? You can rent a new build flat 2bed fir aboyt 1300 in Walthamstow/Chingford way. 20 mins into central London.