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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a fucking mug

309 replies

ReallySadFace · 18/05/2014 22:02

Dh, who I have posted about before (name changed) has just fucking grabbed me again and bruised my neck and given me a fat lip. This is after hitting me around the face with cushions after I warned him about touching me and throwing my keys at me hard.

All he has done all day is argue with me and scream at me and ruined my plans with my children. One min he's all apologetic and then he's a nasty cunt when he realises it doesn't wash with me anymore.

I have asked him to leave, so many times I've lost count but he won't go. He refuses. I'm going to have to leave tomorrow with my children :(

OP posts:
calzone · 18/05/2014 23:08

Wow! Well done.

You are very brave.

ThanksThanksBrew

ladygracie · 18/05/2014 23:13

Stay safe & stay strong. Take care x

redundantandbitter · 18/05/2014 23:18

Brave work. That is a big step and the first step out of the world where someone punches you and them tells you you made him do it Hmm

Here's a great big hug and a cup of tea. I'm sitting with you holding your hand. It's onwards to a better, nicer life for you and Dc's. one without him in it. Lets face it OP could it be much worse?

Huge pat on the back .

LuluJakey1 · 18/05/2014 23:21

Thanks Brew

Look after yourself.

Can't believe he is blaming you and looking for pity and sympathy. What a bastard!

You are going to be so much better off without him.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 00:32

Thankyou all.

Policeman just left. Whilst he was a very nice chap he says that is H denies what I've said, as I don't really have any injuries (small cut on inside of lip and a smashed phone) and no witnesses then it's his word against mine and he will prob be released and can come back here :(

I don't know if he will admit it or not but he does have to explain where cut and smashed phone came from. He's going to be so pissed off with me so I really really don't want him coming back here but they can't impose bail conditions unless he is charged.

I'm off to bed now, hopefully I can sleep.

OP posts:
Inertia · 19/05/2014 00:42

If he comes back and you feel threatened, then please call the police again.

It sounds as though you need some specialist advice from Women's Aid, and if possible the DV unit of your local force.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 00:54

I'm going to phone womens aid tomorrow after I've dropped two of my dc at school.

The policeman said to phone them of he comes back and causes any trouble. But as he's been cautioned for assaulting me before he's quite likely to get charged. Plus they might not interview him til tomorrow now.

OP posts:
SassyPasty · 19/05/2014 00:59

You've done amazingly, well done!

Did you show the police officer the texts he sent blaming you for his behaviour? I would have thought they would lend some weight in your favour to the 'his word against yours' theory.

I hope you get some rest tonight and please, please call Women's Aid asap tomorrow. You need help to rid yourself and your children of this vile specimen.

Charlesroi · 19/05/2014 01:05

God that sounds awful and I'm glad you called the police.
I know he smashed your phone but is it totally smashed? Any way you could get his text messages back to support what you are saying?
They probably won't let him out tonight but lock the door and eave the key in it.
Good luck with WA tomorrow.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 01:12

My phone is totally smashed but luckily it's linked to my iPad so all the texts he has sent me are on there. Sadly none are a complete admission if guilt but I know that's what he is saying and it could be used as evidence to prove he has admitted to assaulting me.

The policeman said he had no worries about the welfare of my children and he would state that in the paperwork. They were asleep as the time but have heard us arguing all day :(

All of the texts blame me. He says he's sorry for what he's done but why can't I see that I have driven him to this blah blah etc. that I'm cruel, evil etc. I don't care about him or love him.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 19/05/2014 01:16

Whatever he 'blames' you for is his guilt. He admits his guilt by apologising. Keep those texts. You're not cruel nor evil. You are looking after yourself and your kids. As pp said, keep key in door overnight. And get on to WA tomorrow. You're a star.

EverythingCounts · 19/05/2014 01:21

You've done really well. Don't be disheartened. Talk it through with WA tomorrow and tell them about the texts. IMO the wording of them does indicate that he's doing stuff he knows he shouldn't because ha's why he is trying to blame it on you. 'She drove me to it' will not be a good defence. Really hope you can get further with this tomorrow. Good luck.

livingzuid · 19/05/2014 02:12

Oh OP. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Well done for being so brave in calling the police. As the officer said, if he comes back again and starts then you get right on the phone to them again to get him out the house. He doesn't have to be assaulting you for that to happen - threatening language and behaviour is more than enough. If you feel under threat in any way - you call.

Good luck with women's aid tomorrow and I am sure you you'll start to access all the advice you need on how to begin to build your future for you and your dcs. Any involvement by social services is designed to help and support you and your dcs, not because you have done anything wrong. Take all the help you can :)

With all the agencies, WA, police etc they have sadly seen it all before and will be well versed in how to manage men like your H. Rest assured they will see through his bluster and manipulation and those texts are indicative of the type of abuse you have been experiencing. No normal person goes around blaming someone else or declaring they were driven to it blah blah. It's all rubbish.

I hope you manage a bit of sleep tonight knowing you are safe with him down the police station.
Even a few hours will make you feel more able to cope :)

Keep posting. Everyone is here for you. Thanks

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 05:33

I've had about an hours sleep and my stupid body won't let me have any more.

I keep hinting he's going to come in or worse if he doesn't and he's been charged then when I do see him he's going to kill me :( he's certainly going to be oissed off that he won't be able to go to work this morning and that they will probably find out why.

Really not looking forward to the even bigger fallout and keep thinking what have I done? :(

OP posts:
50KnockingonabiT · 19/05/2014 05:42

What you have done is protect yourself and your children. You have done a brave thing (the right thing) and I hope you find the courage to see this through to give yourself a better future.

Alchemist · 19/05/2014 05:57

You are so brave. You have done exactly the right thing but I do understand your fear.

All the crap will ultimately be worth it for both you and your DC.

Keep going darling, you will get to a much better place very soon.

Busymumto3dc · 19/05/2014 06:10

Op you have done the right thing for yourself And your dc

Sod what happens to him

Summerbreezer · 19/05/2014 06:20

OP, do you know where your nearest county court is? Get down there this morning and apply for a non-molestation order. You don't need a solicitor. A non-mol will make it a criminal offence for him to come near you or contact you. You can immediately get him arrested should be try.

There is actually quite a lot of evidence, the texts, phone and lip. I would expect him to be charged in those circumstances.

wannabestressfree · 19/05/2014 06:29

I second the non mol order. Then he can't come I or near you and you can change the locks.

livingzuid · 19/05/2014 06:54

You have done the right thing. Stay strong. Can you get yourself a cheap mobile phone today you could hide and have access to calling or texting the police if he threatens you again? Just a ten quid thing from Tesco?

There is a fear free life just round the corner for you and your dcs. You're well down the path to it already. You're doing amazingly well Thanks

teaandthorazine · 19/05/2014 07:04

Morning OP.

You have been amazing. I sincerely hope he is charged. The fact that he is denying what you've said is worrying, because it means that he isn't remorseful. I second the non mol order and the cheapo phone.

It must be incredibly scary but please, please hang on to the fact that you have done the right thing - the only thing, really, that you could've done. If he does come back then you can ring the police straightaway if you are at all threatened (not just physically). You've done it once now, the next time won't be so overwhelming.

Women's aid today, and court to see about the non mol. We will be here all day for you. Good luck.

wherethewildthingis · 19/05/2014 07:07

You've been so so brave. If you do decide to go for a non molestation order, you can get legal aid as you have been a victim of domestic abuse. Women's Aid will.help you with all of this.

forumdonkey · 19/05/2014 07:12

You are stronger than you think OP. You've put up with years of physical and emotional abuse and you are still here working to get out of it - that takes a strong woman, even if you may not feel as strong as you are. You did the right and only thing open to you last night. Keep going, because you can do this and have a life of peace.

Keep up the momentum and follow all the advice. You'll get there and thinking of you

ChasedByBees · 19/05/2014 07:13

You've done the right thing OP. if he comes back and even hits at being aggressive, call the police again. Speak with Women's Aid about how to get him removed. You don't have to be the one to leave, but your relationship does need to end.

4seasons · 19/05/2014 07:17

Do you have friends or relatives who can be there with you for when / if he returns ? Bullies like this will rarely do anything if there are witnesses present . Also , tell him that in future you will only speak to him in the presence of other people . You've done the right thing so keep your chin up and follow it through ... a better life , without fear is ahead of you