Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm a fucking mug

309 replies

ReallySadFace · 18/05/2014 22:02

Dh, who I have posted about before (name changed) has just fucking grabbed me again and bruised my neck and given me a fat lip. This is after hitting me around the face with cushions after I warned him about touching me and throwing my keys at me hard.

All he has done all day is argue with me and scream at me and ruined my plans with my children. One min he's all apologetic and then he's a nasty cunt when he realises it doesn't wash with me anymore.

I have asked him to leave, so many times I've lost count but he won't go. He refuses. I'm going to have to leave tomorrow with my children :(

OP posts:
Lagoonablue · 19/05/2014 07:19

Get advice from Womens Aid on court orders today.

Summerbreezer · 19/05/2014 07:33

I think it was said up thread but sometimes it helps to repeat things a extra motivation - you need to end this relationship to allow you to continue to look after your children.

SS will only be concerned if they see you failing to protect your children by ending this relationship. If you stay with him - you risk your children being removed. So please get the help you need.

You are doing so very we'll so far!

ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 07:49

Managed to get another hours kip which I really needed.

I've text his boss to tell him he wouldn't be coming in as I couldn't be dealing with all the phonecalls about his whereabouts. I haven't said why or where he is. If he gets sacked he will go mad.

I don't know anything yet about what's happening with him, I'm guessing they aren't interviewing him til this morning as the PC said I would be telephoned if or when he was being released.

My local court is about 30 mins away, do I just turn up for that? Don't worry, will google :)

OP posts:
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 07:51

And no I don't have anybody else. I don't talk to my mum and my dad lives in Spain. I'm not close enough to my siblings (plus they are all a lot younger and way more immature than me) and my best friend is on honeymoon.

OP posts:
allisgood1 · 19/05/2014 07:52

Do you have on text that he will kill you? You need to get out if the house and into a place where he can't find you OP.

livingzuid · 19/05/2014 07:58

Women's Aid will give you the advice you need to make him stay well away. Good news that there has been no call yet from the police, time for you to gather yourself and speak to the right people. Any extra sleep is also a bonus :)

Have you got the kids to school yet?

hixchix · 19/05/2014 07:58

Well done for calling the police OP, I hope you have a positive day and this turns out to be the first step to you getting your life back Smile
Thanks

googoodolly · 19/05/2014 08:00

good luck op x

elizalovelace · 19/05/2014 08:02

KEEP STRONG AND GET RID!

Star8369 · 19/05/2014 08:04

good luck today op

dramajustfollowsme · 19/05/2014 08:07

Hope you manage to get to the court. Could you phone your dad, in Spain? Even if he is physically far away, being able to speak to him might help galvanise your steel.

merlehaggard · 19/05/2014 08:15

How are you today?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/05/2014 08:23

Well done for calling the police.

It's easy to get caught up in shame and embarrassment that he will play on to keep you quiet. But you have no reason to keep quiet, and every reason to speak out.

He sounds out of control and you sound scared. The only way this will change is if you get him out and get safe. He won't ever change his behaviour towards you... Of he wanted to, he would have done it already.

Whatever he says, he's responsible for his own behaviour... Unless he abuses and hits his work colleagues and everyone he knows like this? Thought not. So when it matters to him, he knows how to behave, therefore do not believe him when he says it's your fault. It's really not.

Phone women's aid as soon as it opens. and get into that non molestation order. Don't worry about social services.

----

Ss are not your enemy - unless you force your children into a harmful and risky situation by going back to the abusive man.

They are clear that by staying in an abusive relationship when there are chances to get out, a mother is basically letting someone harm their children. They see cases of women sacrificing their children because they care more about the abusive man than the damage to their children. or the abusive man has so much power over the woman she can't see that she is failing her children.

Ss get heavily involved when the mother is too caught up in the relationship to keep her children free from harm. It's incredibly damaging for them to witness violent arguments and their mother getting beaten up.

But I think you know this though, and you're making steps forwards to get out of this. They are totally on the side of women who are fighting for their children's safety and future.

They may well warn you about what can happen if you dont protect your children. And that can feel quite threatenimg and scary. But thats to be very clear with you. They arent here to listen to the rows and ins and outs of an abusive relationship like a friend would. They need to hear how you're changing the situation as much as you can. And they can help you and give advice too.

They're here to help you keep your children safe. Because they will have seen some awful tragedies, and they dont want to see another happen ever again. Show them you agree. Show them you are a mamabear fighting for her cubs. Not a blind woman fighting for her man. And Ss will be on your side.

pictish · 19/05/2014 08:23

I always balk at the sheer deluded audacity of abusive people.
They treat their significant others like utter shit, making their lives miserable and frightening with their bullying, selfishness and nastiness, and then when their victim dares to say no more, it's quickly flipped around to "you're cruel and you don't love me." As though they were owed the slightest loyalty or affection from the person whose life they are hell bent on destroying!!

It is quite incredible.

ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 08:24

I'm not really close enough to my dad to speak about this, he couldn't give a shit about me anyway so not sure what he would say.

I'm ok. A little tired but ok. Just realised I didn't eat all day yesterday.

Off to do the school run, I will update when the police phone me. They will definitely phone before he is released?

OP posts:
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 09:13

The police are outside my house knocking on all my neighbours doors asking if they heard anything.

I'm so embarrassed. I have to face these people everyday :(

OP posts:
Fontella · 19/05/2014 09:16

Don't be embarrassed. Good to hear that the police are on the case. Do you think it's likely the neighbours heard anything? If so, that's a good thing from your point of view I would have thought as it reinforces what you have told them.

oldiebutnctoday · 19/05/2014 09:19

You have NOTHING to feel embarrassed about!! You partner is the the one who should feel embarrassed and ashamed of what he's done which has out you in this position! You should feel proud that you are standing up to him and putting your children first. Hold your head high and get on the phone to women's aid ASAP.

ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 09:19

Yes I expect so, I can hear my next door neighbour talking about it now with her friend :( All of the windows and the patio doors were open and he was really screaming at me. They wouldn't have heard me as amazingly I stayed very calm and tried not to raise my voice.

Phoning womens aid now. Wish me luck.

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 19/05/2014 09:23

Did the police not take photos of your injuries? I've been assaulted by an exP and i had someone from a different department come to my house and take photos of the injuries. If not, can you take some photos and save them somewhere? You are doing so well.

Paq · 19/05/2014 09:23

Good luck OP, for you and your DC xxx

Llareggub · 19/05/2014 09:24

Don't be embarrassed. You are not in the wrong. You have done the right thing.

bibliomania · 19/05/2014 09:26

Good luck!

The adrenalin will keep you going for a bit, but don't be surprised that at some stage you'll have an adrenalin crash. It's very easy then to feel stupid and exhausted and to go with the easiest option, which at the time can seem like letting him back. Don't trust your emotions too much right now. You know in your head that you're doing the right thing, so hold on to that and don't give in to feeling guilty/ashamed/stupid or whatever. These feelings will pass.

Eat something, or at least have tea with sugar. You've had a horrendous 48 hours - not counting the years before - but one day you'll look back and see that this was the time when you finally got to be free and safe and start a peaceful future for your dcs. On that day, you'll be grateful for what is happening right now.

As someone who has been there and is out the other side, document, document, document. If you think there is any chance your STBX will create a fuss about contact with your dcs (and men like this tend to adore a bit of fuss), it's so helpful to have evidence of police involvement, and even minor injuries. Can you take a picture of your cuts/smashed phone etc?

ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 09:30

The PC who came last night took photos of my cut lip and phone. The marks around my neck had gone by the time he had got here as he only grabbed me for 10 seconds and let go when I screamed. First time I've ever screamed out of actual fear though.

He's already said he would fight me for the children because apparently he cares about them and why shouldn't a father see his children the same amount as their mother etc. I just said go ahead. He would never hurt them but 50/50 custody is not going to happen!

OP posts:
Petrasmumma · 19/05/2014 09:31

Don't be embarrassed by the Police speaking to the neighbours - once they know there is a problem, they're going to judge your abuser, not you.
I'd ask the Police to let slip to him that they've spoken to the neighbours before they release him, as it could make him reconsider returning or causing a scene if he does.

Swipe left for the next trending thread