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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a fucking mug

309 replies

ReallySadFace · 18/05/2014 22:02

Dh, who I have posted about before (name changed) has just fucking grabbed me again and bruised my neck and given me a fat lip. This is after hitting me around the face with cushions after I warned him about touching me and throwing my keys at me hard.

All he has done all day is argue with me and scream at me and ruined my plans with my children. One min he's all apologetic and then he's a nasty cunt when he realises it doesn't wash with me anymore.

I have asked him to leave, so many times I've lost count but he won't go. He refuses. I'm going to have to leave tomorrow with my children :(

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 13:55

Yep hrs not bothered your in a pickle to claim WTC, may possibly need to give up work and have little ones to care for. He's not bothered about ruining yours and your kids life. Op you need to think about yourself not worry about what's happening to him.

Inertia · 20/05/2014 14:07

You are not ruining his life.

He is doing this all by himself- he committed violent assault, he is continuing contact despite the non-contact order. If he ends up being locked up then it's because of what he's done, not because of what you've done.

It's very likely that he is continuing to contact you to test how much you'll let him get away with. You both know that you are supposed to report any contact from him (abusive or not), so he's now making you complicit in withholding information from the authorities. This gives him a hold over you. Don't make yourself responsible for what he's doing- you just need to take responsibility for ensuring that you and the children are protected.

Lweji · 20/05/2014 14:22

Very plainly, if you allow him to pester you through messages, even though he has been instructed not to contact you, he will be convinced that you won't report anything he does. He'll creep up slowly and before you know it he'll be at your door.
You must report him now.

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/05/2014 14:27

When my friends dh left her she rang tax credits & got an extra £500 a month which really helped her not have him back.

IAmNotAMindReader · 20/05/2014 15:14

You must report his contact, it may harm the rest of your case against him if you don't and he may be allowed to come back if it all unravels.

He is doing this to himself not you.

Ring tax credits today and impress upon them the dire situation you are in, they should be able to sort it out quickly.

Summerbreezer · 20/05/2014 16:25

"have been told that it wasn't him who downplayed it. He admitted it all to the solicitor who then wrote a statement for him and then told him to keep his head down and say nothing in the interview"

I bet they did. I have represented men like this over and over again.

Solicitors advise to go no comment when the evidence is overwhelming. The idea being that if the defendant doesn't talk, there is a chance they may be able to wriggle out of it later.

If he wanted to be honest in that police interview, he could have been. The police would have told him over and over again that this was his opportunity to give his side of events. No-one and nothing would stop him if that is what he wanted.

He refused. He refused to accept responsibility for his actions.

This is not someone who is sorry. This is not someone who is contrite. This is someone who wants to go to court and have you cross examined.

He wants to wriggle out of this at all costs.

Please please please report these texts. By not, you are putting him before your children.

You have to be seen to be protecting yourself and your children from this man. That means putting him at the very bottom of the pile.

Please go and get legal advice from a family solicitor. Because of the DV you may qualify for legal aid. They can help you in respect of your finances and also how best to protect your children and minimise social services involvement.

Be brave, OP Thanks

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 16:56

I know you are all right but I just can't bring myself to do it. There were three messages. One apologising, One saying he hopes the children were ok and another saying he was going to leave me alone and move out when this is over. I've deleted them.

I also know he could have admitted it and I'm not even sure if he will which means I will have to go to court :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 17:24

And can anybody tell me what they think will happen with regards to social services? I know I will hear from them as I had a letter last time (said they would come round and never bothered). That's the only thing I am scared about really.

OP posts:
Summerbreezer · 20/05/2014 17:33

I don't know the mechanics of SS involvement - hopefully someone will be here soon who does. What I do know is that as long as you protect your children by getting out of this relationship, you'll be fine.

I used to do a bit of family law. Whilst most DV advocates were wonderful people and very helpful, I did feel that one or two gave a misleading message.

Their basic stance was "she is the victim here, she shouldn't be penalised by having her children removed".

The problem is, the family courts do not care whether you are the victim or perpetrator of domestic violence. What they care about is your ability to protect your children from the damage caused by being brought up in an abusive home.

I also used to get a lot of "but no-one (meaning SS) told me to end my relationship". Well, they shouldn't have to. You should know how to protect your children and be proactive in doing so.

The fact that this has occurred for a second time may well lead to more involvement than last time.

I think you know that this relationship has to end.

If he contacts you again, please report it.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 18:03

I'm well aware it has to end and it will be. I've told my family now which I've never ever done before. They are all very shocked as they believe my H worships me (which tbh most of the time he does) but I feel much better now I've told them.

I don't have a clue what he has said to any of his family, I haven't heard from them.

So hopefully SS should see my children are in a loving home, are fed, clean and well cared for with a want for nothing. If H isn't here we should be okay?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/05/2014 18:12

Social services may or may not visit. They will look at factors such as how serve the assault was, whether it has happened before, whether your children were present, ages of children. If you have removed him from the house and can show how you are taking steps to make that permanent then they are unlikely to be involved for long.
They won't take your children.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 18:25

I wouldn't worry social services will not take the kids if you have took steps to get rid of him. I had social services at my house once due to one of the dds breaking her wrist and the HV saying she had concerns. She was lovely and said I was very honest about what had happened then closed it down. Just be honest with them and make sure you report all attempted contact.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 18:26

I wouldn't worry social services will not take the kids if you have took steps to get rid of him. I had social services at my house once due to one of the dds breaking her wrist and the HV saying she had concerns. She was lovely and said I was very honest about what had happened then closed it down. Just be honest with them and make sure you report all attempted contact. It might be a good thing if they are involved as it will enforce what your doing is right for the kids

Summerbreezer · 20/05/2014 18:31

Yes - if he is gone, then you are protecting your children, so you have nothing to fear from them.

They may want to make sure the relationship really has ended (as you can imagine, that isn't always the case) but you'll be fine on that score.

I know you don't want to report these messages, but I would be careful of protecting him - that is the one thing that could backfire for you with SS. Other than that, I don't see a problem. Maybe give them a ring and see if they are planning a visit or anything? I think communication is always best.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 19:06

They sent me a letter last time to say they would be in touch but I never heard from them again after that?mim guessing they informed my children's school? DD1 (9) is top of her class is is 100% happy, she goes in everyday with clean clothes, a healthy packed lunch and a smile. She's well behaved and very sociable, I don't think they will have any concerns with her. Ds (3) is at nursery but he's a lovely little boy who loves my little pony and frozen bless him. His teacher is very pleased with him, he's very happy and has been doing great so no cause for concern there either. DD2 is 2 and stays home with me. I know if asked they would say they were happy and live in a happy house. I know they would not describe their father as violent or aggressive even though he is :( it's DD1 I worry about, she keeps asking me if I'm okay. The younger two had never seen me cry before and even DD2 asked me what was wrong bless her little heart.

I have no idea where H is staying. I have no idea what he's told people as nobody has spoken to me other than my manager at work and my younger sister. I think a lot of people think I'm overreacting. My manager asked me Forman update so I told her he'd been charged etc. she said she was shocked and she really hoped we could work things out :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 19:07

Just read that back and I'm a bit worried it's a bit identifying? I know H checks my mumsnet but only if I leave it logged in on my ipad. I think he might try and see if I've written stuff tbh. I didn't think before :(

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 19:10

Change your password and name

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 19:13

He doesn't know my password (even I couldn't remember it at first to name change lol). Oh well so what if he does see it. He will know what everybody really thinks of him then instead of thinking he can work his way back in.

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 19:15

Are you having second thoughts op. You seem to keep downplaying the situation for some reason?

Lweji · 20/05/2014 19:19

H worships me

You know that's a red flag.
Putting someone in a pedestal is a bad sign, although it's not often recognised as such.
This is because he doesn't see you as a person.

Read this, this and this, for example.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 19:25

No I can honestly say I'm not having second thoughts. But I am human and I do have some compassion, even for dickheads.

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/05/2014 19:32

We all do, particularly when we used to love them, or even still do, but just can't put up with their treatment of us.
But they don't feel compassion. He doesn't feel compassion for you.

captainmummy · 20/05/2014 19:33

Where he's staying and what he's telling people - doesn't matter. People who think you are overreacting - so what? They don't have to live with him, they don't know what happened, they have no idea what your life was like. Don't let anyone tell you how this should go, according to them.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 19:47

Are you compassionate enough to cover for him which could put you in a situation with S'S. Just because they didn't come out the last time doesn't mean they don't know exactly what's going on through the police and DV unit, it's not like years ago DV is taken seriously with multiple agencies working together. By not reporting him you are letting him know he can keep on doing it because he knows you not going to report him.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 20:16

Sorry op reading that back it came over harsh and judgey. Your in a horrible position