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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a fucking mug

309 replies

ReallySadFace · 18/05/2014 22:02

Dh, who I have posted about before (name changed) has just fucking grabbed me again and bruised my neck and given me a fat lip. This is after hitting me around the face with cushions after I warned him about touching me and throwing my keys at me hard.

All he has done all day is argue with me and scream at me and ruined my plans with my children. One min he's all apologetic and then he's a nasty cunt when he realises it doesn't wash with me anymore.

I have asked him to leave, so many times I've lost count but he won't go. He refuses. I'm going to have to leave tomorrow with my children :(

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/05/2014 12:38

he can say what he likes but police should see through it.

get local DV support person - is there local branch of WA or refuge locally>?

livingzuid · 19/05/2014 12:39

If your neighbours are remotely normal people they will be glad that something is finally being done. If they hear the arguments and threats it will be a relief to know that it won't happen again.

I was going to suggest you got signed off sick for a couple of weeks to sort yourself out. I can't begin to imagine how stressful this is for you and it is a legitimate reason. Your gp will be very sympathetic. Alternatively can you take some leave? I am sure your boss will respect that this is confidential. She should not be sharing it with anyone.

Your STBXH is not very intelligent which sounds obvious given he's an abuser and I don't rank them highly on the brainy scale - I mean in that bullies always use bluster to intimidate and get what they want. They never seem to realise that when that when the day of reckoning comes no one is fooled by their behaviour.

Please don't underplay any of what has happened to you or try to minimise it. It is very serious what he's threatened to do - saying you'll kill someone is so far from normal conversation it's frightening.

One day you'll be able to process all of this and recover but right now please stay safe. Thinking of you and hope the conversation with women's aid went well. You are doing brilliantly.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 12:56

Seriously...these types of bullies are so self unaware. They will be the first to make oh no tut tut noises when they hear of someone else's marital abuse, and genuinely believe themselves to be quite different as a species.

This is so true.
There was something on the TV shortly after exH was physically violent the first time. He made a comment and seemed surprised I told him he was like that man.

Stay strong.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 13:28

My manager has been an absolute diamond and said if there's anything I need then just ask her. She's had to show the main manager my messages but it won't go any further. I just couldn't deal with being today's gossip and I know how bad my workplace is for that. I might have to go in on Thursday but today is sorted.

Still not heard back from the police about what's happening. I haven't been out all day because they can't contact me otherwise. I just want to know what the hell he has said! If he's man enough to own up to it or paint me out to be some kind of hormone crazed lunatic. Going rather stir crazy but my two dc's that are home with me have been angels, they have kept me going today they really have.

Granted I said some things to him that were unacceptable (he was calling me a slag, said I'd obviously cheated with so many men etc so I just agreed with him even though not true) but bloody hell I didn't deserve that! I KNOW he will be thinking this is all my fault. Like when he said "I'm sorry I smashed your phone BUT... You really pissed me off".

FFs :(

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 19/05/2014 13:37

Good on you for being brave OP, you did the right thing.

None of it's your fault, it is all his.

Hope the police contact you soon so you know what's happening.

Thinking of you.Thanks

Lweji · 19/05/2014 13:59

What was unacceptable was him calling you a slag to start with, not to mention the fat lip and the bruised neck.

livingzuid · 19/05/2014 14:05

What?! No no no! I don't see that you said anything unacceptable. What I see is you agreeing to such a derogatory comment because to do so otherwise could have made the situation even worse.

YOU have done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. He is the one at fault. What a vile creature he is, to have you thinking somehow you've led him to be this way. You absolutely have not.

It's very good you have told work. You need support in rl and they will be able to help you. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. I'm pleased she has been so understanding. I wondered if she would have to share that with her line manager or HR but certainly it should go no further than that.

Sit tight, make the most of the sunshine and your dcs :)

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 14:07

Police have been in touch but only to ask if he has sent me any text messages admitting what he has done to me.mthe only outright one of admission says "I'M SORRY FOR THROWING YOUR PHONE BUT THIS IS FUCKING STUPID". The rest just talk about how I baited him into reacting and that after what unsaid how did he expect me to react. None that say he's sorry for touching me or anything.

He's been interviewed now though. They will keep me updated.

OP posts:
GrassIsSinging · 19/05/2014 14:07

He sounds like a textbook abuser. Well done for calling the police.

What did Women's Aid say?

livingzuid · 19/05/2014 14:10

Doh... And enjoy your dcs. Missed a word!

They will see the meaning in the texts. They see it all too often. Glad you have an update.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 14:13

There is no possibly baiting that justifies bruising a woman. Or man. He could have walked away.
It is part of ongoing abuse and your neighbours heard him.
In fact, that he shows no remorse is fully against him.

msrisotto · 19/05/2014 14:14

Do you have an answerphone? Surely you could go out and they could leave a message if they call when you're not in?

DownstairsMixUp · 19/05/2014 14:23

It's always your fault for them. You provoked them, you know how to irritate them more than anyone else does in their life, you know exactly the things to say to wind them up blah blah blah. Then when they want to make up ooh I can't live without you, I don't want to do this anymore BUT YOU piss me off so much, how can you just end it when we have a family/we sometimes are so good together. He does sound very textbook. Throwing someone's phone is not on either, it's good you have a text him proving he threw it. None of this is your fault, he is just a shitbag. Stay strong X

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 14:35

Yeah I do have an answerphone but I didn't exactly fancy coming face to face with him without prior warning if they let him come back to the house. I've got to go and pick DC1 up from school in a minute anyway.

Oh I will get blamed for everything. I made him have the day off work because he was locked up, I've made him look bad (although he didn't mind going up to his mums mid argument slagging me off to her) I'm damaging his relationship with his children, I'm a fucking bitch... you all know how it goes.

For once though I don't give a shiny shit. But that will be an excuse for his behaviour too though, he did it because he knows I don't care about him anymore. Too right I fucking don't.

OP posts:
oldiebutnctoday · 19/05/2014 14:43

I'm sorry if this isn't a good suggestion but I wondered if it's worth you packing him a bag of necessities and leaving it on the doorstep so that you don't have to let him back in the house if he does turn up but you still aren't seen as being unreasonable? I would assume that if he then returns and kicks off the police would be round pretty quick and would take a dim view of his behaviour (again!). You are doing brilliantly btw op, stay strong, things can only get better in the long run for your and your dcs.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 14:46

Violence is the last resort of abusive people when they are losing control over their victims.

teaandthorazine · 19/05/2014 15:05

The police will have heard his self-righteous justification before, from other horrible abusive bastards, and they will be able to see through it.

He will not get 50/50 residency of the children, nothing even close to that.

Have you been able to get through to Women's Aid yet?

Keep your chin up, OP, this will all be worth it in the end. You are strong and brave and you have the measure of him.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 15:37

Another update.

He denied everything. Didn't even mention my phone and said that we were having a cushion fight with each other?! That he threw the keys at me to tell me to leave and pushed me away when I got in his face. Completely all untrue :(

Luckily they saw through him and have charged him both with damaging my phone and common assault on me. He is going to be bailed with instructions not to contact me or come to the house at all. He's coming with a police escort to get some things and then he's gone for a minute.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 19/05/2014 15:39

Yes it'll be your fault, OP. You 'made' him do it, you 'made' him so mad, you're so stupid, you wind him up, and you, you, you... Amazing how you can make him do these things (against his own free will) but you can't make him leave. Hmm
The police will have heard it all before - they sound like they are taking it seriously; interviewing the neighbours, keeping him in all day. I suggest that you start treating seriously too, OP. He is a dangerous man - I know you say you don't think he'll hurt you, but you can't actually know that. If you can't have anyone there with you tonight, make sure you lock the door and keep it locked. Or go to a hotel/B&B/friends for the night, until you've spoken to WA. If you do stay in your house, make sure he cannot get in, and don't hesitate to phone the police at the slightest problem.

BTW - the hands round the neck is a HUGE red flag - and the police are aware of that! The police will be taking that very seriously (Possibly the main reason for their interviewing neighbours etc.) It is very easy to hurt,maim,paralyse, even kill, by doing this. He doesn't need to squeeze, just hold, and possibly crush, a main artery, which leads quickly to unconsciousness and/or death. Not trying to scare you, but you need to be aware of how dangerous this man is.

Blossomflowers · 19/05/2014 15:40

reallysad have been reading your thread, sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I am interested to hear that police have stopped him bring able to come back into the house, someone very close to me is going through a similar thing ( he cracked her ribs) but police allowed him back into property.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 15:40

That's good news.

I hope he stays away.

In any case get in contact with WA and a solicitor regarding the children.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 19/05/2014 15:45

Blossom I think it's because he has had a caution for assaulting me before and the officer who came round last night assessed me as high risk. I'm not sure if it's because of the children too? I have specified several times I do not want him here with me so thankfully the police are on my side. It's very sad they couldn't do the same for your friend :(

I still think he will contact me though. He won't be able to resist texting me abuse. If he does I am reporting it straight away.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 19/05/2014 15:52

X-post Op. That sounds a good thing. Try and stay out of the way (and def keep the dc out of the way) when he comes back.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 15:56

Please do contact NCDV in any case to keep him away from you and the children.

Blossomflowers · 19/05/2014 16:02

Thanks reallysad he has put her in hospital twice and young children in the house, he is also violent with the kids and a bully, so god know why the police will not remove him. How are you feeling now?