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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a fucking mug

309 replies

ReallySadFace · 18/05/2014 22:02

Dh, who I have posted about before (name changed) has just fucking grabbed me again and bruised my neck and given me a fat lip. This is after hitting me around the face with cushions after I warned him about touching me and throwing my keys at me hard.

All he has done all day is argue with me and scream at me and ruined my plans with my children. One min he's all apologetic and then he's a nasty cunt when he realises it doesn't wash with me anymore.

I have asked him to leave, so many times I've lost count but he won't go. He refuses. I'm going to have to leave tomorrow with my children :(

OP posts:
Dewalt123 · 19/05/2014 23:17

in every county in every week 60 women and 8 men end up in hospital due to domestic violence no one deserves to live in fear of violence irrespective of how minor. Please Please involve the police and social services. You positive action can only help your situation. This man cannot control his anger and what is too far.... Unfortunately I work close to this situation everyday but please contact you local situation a specialist office will not only investigate but also give you support.

wishing you all the best

Chocaholicmonster · 20/05/2014 00:03

I'm just off to bed but wanted to see if you are okay Really. I hope you've managed to get some rest this evening x

livingzuid · 20/05/2014 05:45

Good morning really how are you and the dcs today? Did you manage a bit more sleep and to eat something?

I'm sorry he went true to form and texted you. I hope you felt able to report it in the end and that he has left you alone. How do you feel about things today?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/05/2014 07:27

Report the texts, don't protect him anymore. Trust me, your life is about to get a lot better with him out of it.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 08:15

Spent the evening with my children at the beach and then had a well needed early night, I slept like a baby!

My head is all over the place but I'm not going to go back on it. H stopped texting me once he realised I wasn't replying, that or he was scared I would report them. They were just texts apologising for being a cunt, nothing abusive and even though i know he shouldn't have done it I'm not going to report it. If they were vile texts I would have done it without hesitation.

I honestly don't know how to go about setting the wheels in motion for being on my own. We have a joint mortgage, joint bank accounts, joint everything tbh. I'm not sure how much I can do without his permission?

OP posts:
livingzuid · 20/05/2014 08:20

An evening at the beach sounds nice :)

You don't need his permission to do anything. You find a solicitor and get the process going. Go and see two or three to find one you are comfortable with and be upfront about the abuse. Citizens Advice is also a very good port of call for free help.

captainmummy · 20/05/2014 08:27

Get legal advice OP. Get to a solicitor today, CAB for benefits, WA for advice. You don't need his permission to set the wheels for divorce in motion. Or anything, actually.

And be prepared for him to be SUPER nice from now on, so he can convince you it is all in your head, that it will be your fault for 'breaking up the family', that 'we were so good together' - he will be the wonderful man you thought you'd married. For 5 minutes. Just long enough for you to doubt yourself, and maybe let him back in.

Then it will start again, but this time you will be even more nervous about how he will react, and even more unable to kick him into touch next time.

Dn't do it OP. Ignore. If the contact gets abusive, report (personally I would have anyway, after the frst contact) After the sweetness-and-light version, you will get the abusive angry tantrums. Read The Script. They all follow it.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 20/05/2014 08:51

You really should report the texts. Foolish not to.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 09:15

I know, I know. And that is exactly what I would be telling someone else in my situation.

I can't get signed off work and even if I did I don't get paid. If I don't get paid I can't live. My tax credits have gone from £110 a week to £30. I have £20 in my account now and then £30 a week for the next 3 weeks. That's for fuel, food etc. and I don't have anyone who can help me. I don't have anyone to look after my children so I can work except my mother in law. And I don't think she will help me if He's locked up.

I know it sounds like I'm enabling him but I'm really not. Just don't see why it's me and my children who have to suffer all the bloody time :(

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 20/05/2014 09:42

I would get on the phone tax credits today and ask them to reassess you as a single person - surely your allowance from them will go up dramatically. Also tell Council Tax you are single to get that bill reduced. Then find a really good solicitor.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 09:48

Yeah I thought about phoning tax credits today but surely they will stop my money completely whilst they re asses my claim? I know it's only £30 a week but I need it! I don't get paid from work for almost 3 weeks. Plus I only work 13 hours a week and it needs to be 16 for working tax. I need to speak to work to see if they can help me out by giving me 3 extra hours a week.

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 20/05/2014 09:49

in my experience they don't stop your money - and the new calculation is very quick. Could you get an extra 3 hours doing a bit of self employed - a cleaning job or ironing?

skyeskyeskye · 20/05/2014 09:56

My WTC didn't stop, I did a new single claim over the phone and they told me how much I would be getting. Yes, its a good idea to see if you can get those extra hours at work, do that and then ring WTC and it should be fine.

I would open a new bank account too and get the WTC and CB paid into there. Also ring the Council Tax and get the 25% discount for sole occupancy. If you have money in any accounts, you can take half of it legally.

He also needs to pay maintenance for the DC.

BeCool · 20/05/2014 09:59

Great you had a good nights sleep Really.
Is there any money in the joint account you can take out? Do you need to cancel any transfers into the joint account from yours?

Here is a link to THE SCRIPT

And with an eye on progressing forward here is a link to REALITY's wonderful "Listen Up Everybody" thread

worldgonecrazy · 20/05/2014 10:02

You are doing so well - contact the bank and see if you can somehow freeze the accounts in case he tries to empty it.

Womens Aid will be able to give you some other advice on how to cope financially. You're not alone - lots of women have managed to move on to a better and brighter life so it can be done.

Good luck.

43percentburnt · 20/05/2014 11:30

I hope you are okay today. I really urge you to report the texts. He has downplayed what he did to the police and now texts you despite them telling him no contact. He believes he is above the law. When the texts get abusive (and they no doubt will as men like and you report are boringly predictable) he will tell the police you were fine about receiving texts from him previously. This may make you look unreliable

Its very important you report him.

43percentburnt · 20/05/2014 11:30

I hope you are okay today. I really urge you to report the texts. He has downplayed what he did to the police and now texts you despite them telling him no contact. He believes he is above the law. When the texts get abusive (and they no doubt will as men like and you report are boringly predictable) he will tell the police you were fine about receiving texts from him previously. This may make you look unreliable

Its very important you report him.

cestlavielife · 20/05/2014 12:03

yes Its very important you report him.

if he is apologising its admission of guilt too. they need to know.

Original poster
ReallySadFace · 20/05/2014 13:17

They have seen texts from before apologising for what he did to me. They have his phone records anyway. He was messaging me through Facebook so he doesn't get caught.

I have been told that it wasn't him who downplayed it. He admitted it all to the solicitor who then wrote a statement for him and then told him to keep his head down and say nothing in the interview. He's obviously shit scared about losing his job and whilst yes I know what he did to me was disgusting I don't think I'm capable of ruining the life of another human being :(

Im not going to withdraw my statement or anything because then he could come back but I don't want to make it worse.

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 13:41

You need to be careful. I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. Every time she rung the police they reports are sent to the DV unit. I guess once they got one too many she was referred to social services and told her if she stayed with him the kids would be taken into care. You are now well and truly on the radar as the various agencies now take DV very seriously. If he is calling or texting you need to report him as if they honk you are still in contact with him then I guess this could cause problems for you and the kids. My DF ceased all contact once she knew and moved out of their shared house as there was no way she would risk having the kids taken away from her. He caused all this its his problem if he looses his job. He has ruined himself, you are not ruining his life

BeCool · 20/05/2014 13:46

I don't think I'm capable of ruining the life of another human being

You aren't ruining his life - he is doing that all by himself, along with actively trying to destroy your life.

Has anyone mentioned the Lundy Bancroft book yet? It is called "Why Does He Do That" and you may find it an enlightening read (short answer is because he CAN and because he CHOOSES to). It is really worth reading.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 13:47

Also you can go self employed selling stuff on ebay for the hrs you are short for WTC. My lone parent advisor told me I could do this. Just say you are selling clothes and household goods. Pick up books, clothes and bagssfrom the charity shop and sell them. Post them all out together at once once a week. even if your not making a profit it doesn't matter u just need he hrs for the WTC

ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 13:48

*books

QuintessentiallyQS · 20/05/2014 13:51

Look, he is clearly not worried about his work, or his career, when this is not a deterrent for him. If he was worried, he should have considered not abusing you! It is therefore not you ruining anything for him, you are on the other hand helping yourself. Good luck.

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