Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't accept pregnancy

132 replies

Caucasus · 13/05/2014 15:16

I've posted about this issue before, so sorry if I'm covering some old ground, but my (ex?) partner is driving me crazy. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and he wants me to abort. At the moment, he refuses to accept that

a) I'm not going to get an abortion and
b) That I have the right to make that decision (against his will)

All he says is that I am selfish, that he has a right to have a say, that if I loved him I would do this for him ("I would do it for you"), that it's not a big ask (in his words, from a text: "Literally everyone we know has had one. I've just had the bad fortune to have to deal with your choices, I feel everyone else has had a get out of jail free card issued to them and I've had the bad luck not to, because of you").

If ever I accuse him of not supporting me, he says "you are not supporting me" or if I say that he doesn't care how I feel, he says "you don't care how I feel". If I say he should be ashamed of himself for being so cruel to his pregnant girlfriend, he says my actions (not getting an abortion) are cruel to him. It's just impossible to argue with him, and he's convinced I'm the bad guy.

Is there any way at all I can make him understand my position? He REFUSES to accept it, and now that I'm pregnant with his child I kind of have to deal with him, and it's a NIGHTMARE.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 13/05/2014 15:21

I read your other thread. He sounds foul. What are you currently getting from this relationship other than non stop grief? I think you should conserve your previous energy for yourself and your baby and stop wasting it on him. All he can think about is himself. You don't need that at such a vulnerable time. How do you feel about going this alone?

Lottapianos · 13/05/2014 15:22

And in answer to your question, no. There is no way to make him see anything from your point of view. You need to stop trying or this will wear you out

spottydolphin · 13/05/2014 15:27

wow he sounds lovely Hmm

really... does your child need a father like that?

Original poster
Caucasus · 13/05/2014 15:29

Thanks guys. We've broken up now but I feel like we need to try and resolve something for the sense of the baby. It's just the injustice that's driving me crazy - I feel like I'm being nice just by continuing to speak to him civilly, yet he insists I'm the villain.

OP posts:
PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 13/05/2014 15:29

Walk away now. He sounds like a complete prick.

MrsBrianODriscoll · 13/05/2014 15:29

A child en route and a man child in situ.

Dump him, he is a waste of sperm.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/05/2014 15:30

He's an ex, he's bullying you, and therefore you should cease communication immediately. Switch off the phone, leave the texts unanswered, etc. He doesn't want to understand your position and so save your breath. You do not have to deal with him in the slightest. If he continues to be aggressive let the police deal with him and let the CSA get maintenance out of him in due course.

Instead be with people that like you and love you and your soon-to-be baby. Look after yourself, enjoy your pregnancy and do whatever it takes to make you feel relaxed and happy. Congratulations.

oikopolis · 13/05/2014 15:32

He has a right to feel trapped by the idea that he is having a child that he doesn't want.

You have a right to have a child that you want.

Those two things are undeniable facts. No amount of arguing will help either of you; he feels how he feels, and looking at it plainly, he's not wrong to feel that way. Neither are you wrong to have the baby.

So stop trying to bring him around, and stop giving him opportunities to try to bring you around. He is never going to understand your position (not based on anything you can say or do, in any case maybe when the baby is here he will have a change of heart and IMO you have a better chance of that kind of change if you leave him to it for now!).

Stop contact, don't rise to his baits, and don't bait him. The relationship between you two is over. Move on and start focusing on your baby.

Congratulations, by the way!

TereseaGreen · 13/05/2014 15:35

My ex partner refused to have anything to do with my pregnancy.

I am now married to another man who is there for every sports day, every parents evening, every football game. Tucks him in every night and tells him he loves him every morning. The day rises and sets with DS in my husbands world.

Does he want someone else eventually taking his place?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/05/2014 15:37

How is he 'trapped' exactly? Hmm I'm assuming that he consented to unprotected sex. Knew the possible outcomes.... ?

TequilaMockingbirdy · 13/05/2014 15:38

He has every right to not want this baby, he has every right to feel trapped.. but he hasn't got the right to give you grief and try to force you into an abortion.

I wouldn't get in touch with him, if he doesn't want your baby then it's not going to work.

oikop has got it 100%

Congrats x

HappyAsASandboy · 13/05/2014 15:46

I don't think you can change his mind or the way he is acting.

If I were you, I think I would explain to him that I have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. It is entirely his choice whether to be involved with the baby once it's born, and that you won't try to prevent any reasonable involvement he wants to have. Decide what level of contact you are happy to have with him assuming he sticks to his current opinion (maybe you'll let him know the outcome of any scans or tests and let him know when the baby is born) and tell him what you'll do. Then move on, distance yourself and make plans for you and your baby without your partner.

At the moment, your partner doesn't want the baby you have decided to keep. You can't be in a committed relationship on those terms, so you need to leave it and plan your future without him. If he subsequently changes his mind, you will then be in a stronger position (ie have a plan for doing this without him) and so will be able to make a decision about whether you want him back. If he doesn't change his mind, your plans will work for you.

I know you'd rather he got on board, committed to you and the baby and you could build a happy family, but that doesn't seem to be one of your options right now. Try to accept that, and make a new plan for you and baby that you're happy with.

Good luck and look after yourself. What's best for you is what's best for your baby - if you're in a precarious or abusive situation then your baby is not in a good place. Baby can live very happily without a father as long as you're in a place that works for you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/05/2014 15:48

I am sorry he has been such a let down, (and nasty with it), but he must see that you have to decide for yourself what to do.

I'm afraid he sounds very entrenched, and you are wasting your breath trying to persuade him otherwise. If he is verbally abusive now I'm afraid he'll get worse when you have had the baby. You may be apprehensive but coping with a newborn is a lot less work than with an angry or undermining partner.

Please look at practical considerations instead, finances, benefits, accommodation, arrangements for when you have the baby. Eg what if you have a CS (Caesarian Section)? You will find it physically difficult for the first fortnight. If you are living alone you may need someone to come and stay with you, or visit daily. Remember too you won't be insured to drive for six weeks.

TheRedQueen · 13/05/2014 15:50

Yes, Cognito, my thoughts exactly.

I have to say that I am extremely shocked to hear an abortion described as a 'get out of jail free card'. Maybe I'm very naive but I find that absolutely appalling.

I would simply ignore him OP. You're not going to bring him round so concentrate instead on what's more important - you and your baby.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/05/2014 15:51

I'm with Cog, if you have unprotected the sex, then you know that a baby is a possible outcome.

Original poster
Caucasus · 13/05/2014 15:52

Thanks everyone. I've accepted it's likely I'm going to be doing it on my own, and my family are very supportive, so that's not an issue. It's just hard dealing with his self-righteous "I'm the victim" approach, and being told I'm in the wrong constantly, when I feel I am not.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/05/2014 15:54

So don't give him the opportunity to tell you. Stop contact. Is he definitely an ex or do the brackets mean he's still in your life trying to bully you?

QueenofallIsee · 13/05/2014 15:54

You want this baby, he doesn't - the crappy bit is the refusal to see this for what it is. If he doesn't want to be a father then you are spending needless time and energy trying to get him to see that he is wrong. He doesn't go on the birth certificate and you stop seeing it as necessary to 'deal with him' and start looking at life as a lone parent.

He is being a douchebag undoubtedly but it is not ambiguous and it is not him refusing to understand your position as you describe- he gets it and is saying 'you want this baby, you go it alone' Please hear it and move on with your life, try to enjoy being pregnant and prepare for your baby

TequilaMockingbirdy · 13/05/2014 15:55

when you know that a baby is a possible outcome

Well of course, but it doesn't mean you feel any less 'trapped' if you have to have the baby. Just like I'm sure a woman would feel if she had to have the child.

Fuck him OP, he's not worth you wasting your time and you'll end up getting more upset and/or angry and it's not good for you. I'm glad you've got your family there. Have you spoke to his family?

Original poster
Caucasus · 13/05/2014 15:55

TheRedQueen - that's exactly how I feel. He switches between saying "of course I know how you feel" and making callous remarks like that - "get out of jail free card", "it's just a pill and a period", "it's one day then we can get on with our lives" and so on. Yet I'm supposedly the one who is heartless and not considering his feelings.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/05/2014 15:57

There is no way on God's earth that your two differing views can ever be reconciled, so save your breath. Just go completely no contact.

I don't know this guy obviously but I fear his greatest concern is not you and your unborn child or he wouldn't be demanding that you abort, but his wallet for the next decade and a half.

If he truly didn't want to risk bringing a baby into this world he would have made it his business to prevent that happening. Or did you rape him in his sleep?

scallopsrgreat · 13/05/2014 15:57

"it's not a big ask"; "get out of jail free card" says a man who will never have to make that choice. Male privilege.

It is also not his place to tell ask you. Sorry. Disengage, disengage, disengage. He isn't a victim. He's not trapped. He's just a bloke who chose not to use any protection.

oikopolis · 13/05/2014 15:58

A woman who consented to unprotected sex, falls pregnant, does not want a baby and is not permitted an abortion would feel trapped. Morality and blame aside, the feelings are still there and can't be argued away.

A man who consented to unprotected sex, has his partner fall pregnant, does not want a baby and learns that his partner will not get an abortion, would also feel trapped. Morality and blame aside, the feelings are still there and can't be argued away.

There are two solutions for this guy, either suck it up and be a father despite how you're feeling about a pregnancy you don't want, or don't. Just like for a woman, I guess.

I don't think the guy's a shithead for not wanting this baby, just like I don't think a woman's a shithead for not wanting a baby; but he IS a shithead for pressuring OP for an abortion, and OP needs to stop giving him space to do that.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 13/05/2014 15:59

Again agree 100% oikopolis

OP you don't need him anyway x

Original poster
Caucasus · 13/05/2014 16:00

TequilaMockingbirdy - I've spoken to his mother and she said she is very happy about the baby but doesn't want him to feel she isn't supporting him. She calls me occasionally to see how we are but she's being careful not to condemn his actions or position. He has so far not told the rest of his family.

QueenofallIsee, I wish he was saying that - he actually says that for me to have the baby alone and cut him out is "the worst of all options" and that that I would suggest that just shows how callous and heartless I am, that I am emasculating him, marginalising him, forcing him to be an absentee father... yet whenever I try to talk about the future it soon comes round to the fact that all he wants is for me to have an abortion. I swear there's no logic in his position at all, that's why he's so hard to talk to.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread