Partner won't accept pregnancy

[Caucasus]

I've posted about this issue before, so sorry if I'm covering some old ground, but my (ex?) partner is driving me crazy. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and he wants me to abort. At the moment, he refuses to accept that

a) I'm not going to get an abortion and
b) That I have the right to make that decision (against his will)

All he says is that I am selfish, that he has a right to have a say, that if I loved him I would do this for him ("I would do it for you"), that it's not a big ask (in his words, from a text: "Literally everyone we know has had one. I've just had the bad fortune to have to deal with your choices, I feel everyone else has had a get out of jail free card issued to them and I've had the bad luck not to, because of you").

If ever I accuse him of not supporting me, he says "you are not supporting me" or if I say that he doesn't care how I feel, he says "you don't care how I feel". If I say he should be ashamed of himself for being so cruel to his pregnant girlfriend, he says my actions (not getting an abortion) are cruel to him. It's just impossible to argue with him, and he's convinced I'm the bad guy.

Is there any way at all I can make him understand my position? He REFUSES to accept it, and now that I'm pregnant with his child I kind of have to deal with him, and it's a NIGHTMARE.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Ah right, I wonder what she'll be like when the baby arrives..

I honestly wish you the best of luck Caucasus. Sounds like you have your head screwed on. You'll be a brilliant mum.

[BalloonSlayer]

"if I loved him I would do this for him" *Well I don't love you, so there you have it.

"Literally everyone we know has had one. " I haven't had one. And neither have you. And neither will you. Because you are a MAN. And you can't choose to abort a child because you can't carry one in your uterus.

"I've just had the bad fortune to have to deal with your choices" Actually it's ME that has the bad fortune to have to deal with YOUR choice not to wear a condom.

"I feel everyone else has had a get out of jail free card issued to them and I've had the bad luck not to, because of you" Get out of jail free cards are not normally issued. You have to buy them in packets of three from Boots or any public toilet.

[Caucasus]

oikopolis, I agree with you totally, and for what it's worth I feel that excepting the abortion decision I've tried to be as thoughtful as I can - I promised him not to ask for any money if he didn't want to be involved, said he can decide to become involved at any point (e.g if he changes his mind after 2 years and wanted to see the child, I would support that and do everything to make it work as well for him as possible), basically that I would bend over backwards to make this situation as easy for him as possible.

He's always said he wants kids with me (just not yet) so it's hard to see exactly why this is ruining his life, especially when I've made it clear that my priority, considering the choice I've made, is to make everything as easy for him as possible, whatever he choses.

The fact of the matter is that legally and morally I feel I was entitled to make the abortion decision. He in is turn is entitled to have nothing to do with the baby, which I have accepted and am fine with. I'm just sick of being told I didn't have the right to make that decision, I should change that decision, and how cold hearted and evil I am.

[Suttyshotty]

I has almost the exact same rubbish from my ex, I'm so sorry, it's horrible and very upsetting to be going through this when you should be able to enjoy your pregnancy.

I had a tough time but it all worked out well. I have a wonderful child and very limited contact with the man I consider to have been little more than a sperm donor. Eventually I met a wonderful man who is a much better father than the sperm donor could ever have been. We had a lucky escape.

It is difficult, but remain dignified and let him walk away, you will have a beautiful baby to focus on, he will have nothing but anger and regret.

I hope you can enjoy your pregnancy, good luck, going it alone has many many benefits, the main one being the ability to focus on and really cherish the time you get to spend building your relationship with your child, without this waste of space spoiling it with his foot stamping and temper tantrums.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

he actually says that for me to have the baby alone and cut him out is "the worst of all options" and that that I would suggest that just shows how callous and heartless I am, that I am emasculating him, marginalising him, forcing him to be an absentee father...

It's all about him OP, surely you see that (!).

[TheRedQueen]

There's no logic in his position OP because he is simply saying whatever he reckons it will take for him to get his own way. You can't reason with someone like that. They are not listening.

Disengage and save your energy.

[Viviennemary]

He is a disgrace. Just go it on your own. You are better of without this kind of man.

[oikopolis]

I'm just sick of being told I didn't have the right to make that decision, I should change that decision, and how cold hearted and evil I am.

Yeah, he is being manipulative and nasty. You're not cold hearted; you're a pregnant woman trying to care for an unborn child. He is using all the tricks that might get him his way in other situations... he is blind to the fact that there is a little life at stake here, and his normal persuasive tactics just don't cut it anymore.

It's very hard when someone gets like this. You just want to take them and shake them and get them to stop/go back to being reasonable. He's not going to to that though. Leave him to it.

Honestly, the more you engage with him about this, the more entrenched he's going to get into his emotional reaction. The only real chance, IMO, is to leave him to stew, since if you stop feeding the emotional side of this by arguing, he might calm down enough to see sense.

All the best. You will get through this time. Focus on the baby!

[ConferencePear]

I've made it clear that my priority ...... is to make everything as easy for him as possible.

It's time to stop this Caucasus and to start realising that you and your baby are the priority. You don't need a man-child tagging along.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Re: maintenance. Fwiw it isn't money for you it's money for your child and if he is raging because you are pregnant and won't terminate, after he freely had sex without precautions, and had talked about starting a family at some future point anyway, I'd not be too quick to absolve him of any financial commitment.

[divingoffthebalcony]

I think you need to cut contact. Just don't discuss anything with him anymore, because you're never going to reach a resolution and he will not stop manipulating and guilt tripping you. Don't give him the satisfaction and carry on making plans for life as a single parent.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I promised him not to ask for any money if he didn't want to be involved"

Have a word with yourself love and put the misplaced guilt to one side. Even if he wants nothing to do with his child, he needs to support it. And please don't bend over backwards if he wants to come waltzing in after a few years and play Happy Families. You're just making it easier for him to be even more of a shit than he already is.

[Longdistance]

Stop pandering to this idiot. It's no use getting him to understand.

End all contact with him, and get on with your and your baby's lives in peace. Carry on by all means to keep in contact with his dm. But as soon as she gets abusive, cut her off too.

Just have a happy and peaceful life, without drama.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

You need to cut contact, because soon he'll start getting desperate, you'll soon be over the limit to have one, then he cant keep pestering you to have one. After that it'll be something else, adoption or i'll go for full custody probably.

[DuckyMoDuckyMoMo]

My ex was like this I was stupid and didn't love him because I didn't get an abortion. He'd only be with me if I wasn't pregnant unfortunately I had an ectopic and he expected us to be back to normal told him to piss off and haven't spoke to him since.

he'll never see it from your point of view mine didn't he even booked my abortion and had me in tears and didn't care. Ltb

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Men do feel trapped as they get no say if a pregnancy is to continue or not. The female is in control and will always get to do what she wants.

If you want the baby and he doesnt, then have it and stop engaging with him. Once the baby is born ensure you try for contact so that you can hand on heart tell your child that you did everything possible for him/her to know their father.

Harsh lesson in having unprotected sex, surely as adults you both knew it could end like this?

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Oh and I know this wont be popular with some mumsnetters, but dont put him on the B/C, if hes not gonna be arsed with being a dad, then you dont want him having PR. If he wants it, he can earn it.

[grocklebox]

just stop talking to him. why are you listening to his shit?

[Dropdeadfred2]

Do you live with him???

[Longdistance]

I second not putting him on the bc.

[CailinDana]

You are trying to reason with an idiot. Stop it.

[LividofLondon]

Caucasus, you could tell him that if he was adult enough to have sex with you he was adult enough to know that no contraception is 100% reliable and that he was always taking a small risk of pregnancy. And that if having an unplanned baby with you was such a big deal he should've either abstained or used a condom to decrease the risks. In other words he should've taken a more pro-active role in ensuring a pregnancy didn't happen.

On the other hand, for argument's sake, if the two of you had discussed the implications of an accidental pregnancy and you had agreed to an abortion if it happened, then decided against it, he's bound to be pissed off. Similarly, if he was using condoms and one split and you refused to use the "morning after" pill, then he's a right to be upset.
What did you discuss with him prior to starting a sexual relationship?

[Caucasus]

Happymummyofone: Harsh lesson in having unprotected sex, surely as adults you both knew it could end like this?

I see this response so much to women in my situation - I knew there was a chance I could get pregnant, yes, which is why I'm stepping up to take that responsibility like an adult.

I had no idea that he would become like this, considering the fact he wanted us to have unprotected sex, he's an adult man not a teenager, we're in a long-term, stable and (previously) cohabiting relationship, and we had discussed having children in the future - something he wanted long term but wasn't ready for immediately.

So really I think the harsh lesson should be directed at him, not me? I'm not going to agree that this situation is my fault for agreeing to have unprotected sex with him. We both knew the potential consequences. I am dealing with them, he is not.

[LividofLondon]

Oh, you were having unprotected sex! In that case he's definitely being an arsehole to have the hump that you're pregnant and keeping the baby. Where did he think they came from, the bloody stork?!

[Caucasus]

LividofLondon, we decided mutually to use the rhythm method, as friends of ours had been using it successfully. We didn't directly discuss what we would do if there was an accident, which I see now was stupid (but not my sole responsibility, and tbh I wouldn't have taken the risk if I knew that getting pregnant would "ruin my life" so I assumed the same of him). I have never said I would get an abortion. In fact, he knew I wanted children ultimately, although we'd planned to wait a few years.