Partner won't accept pregnancy

[Caucasus]

I've posted about this issue before, so sorry if I'm covering some old ground, but my (ex?) partner is driving me crazy. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and he wants me to abort. At the moment, he refuses to accept that

a) I'm not going to get an abortion and
b) That I have the right to make that decision (against his will)

All he says is that I am selfish, that he has a right to have a say, that if I loved him I would do this for him ("I would do it for you"), that it's not a big ask (in his words, from a text: "Literally everyone we know has had one. I've just had the bad fortune to have to deal with your choices, I feel everyone else has had a get out of jail free card issued to them and I've had the bad luck not to, because of you").

If ever I accuse him of not supporting me, he says "you are not supporting me" or if I say that he doesn't care how I feel, he says "you don't care how I feel". If I say he should be ashamed of himself for being so cruel to his pregnant girlfriend, he says my actions (not getting an abortion) are cruel to him. It's just impossible to argue with him, and he's convinced I'm the bad guy.

Is there any way at all I can make him understand my position? He REFUSES to accept it, and now that I'm pregnant with his child I kind of have to deal with him, and it's a NIGHTMARE.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

A parent cannot be forced to maintain contact, but he/she can be compelled to pay for the upkeep of a child

My post says maintain contact, nothing about money. I think they should most definitely have to provide financially.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Ah shit I've done what I didn't want to do. No more posts from me

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

He can walk away if he's a cunt and no law can force him to maintain contact. However he still has financial obligations and the child still has the right to know who his father is. There is this concept that men should be able to give up the status of fatherhood and that's simply not fair on the child.

Men have a choice, the choice where and when to ejaculate. In my younger days I met loads of men who would happily have fucked me without a condom without even asking if I was on the pill, regardless of the fact that we barely knew each other anyway and that would still have been a risk. Your tone suggests that you think men who have unplanned pregnancies foisted upon the, are all innocent dupes with no choice in the matter. Many are as the OPs partner, reckless with contraception or too willing to trust a woman they don't know well enough to handle contraception. Barely any men are truly duped as in sperm jacked by long term, trusted partners.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Op, I'm glad you have walked away.

Focus on you now.

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's not that he is reluctant to be a father that makes him the bad guy. IT's not wholly unreasonable of a man to be unhappy that the woman he impregnated wants the opposite outcome to the one he would prefer.

What makes this man the bad guy is his harassment and bullying of the OP, who seems to have tried to be fair and reasonable to him.

[Maisie0]

I'm sorry, but I am going to sound harsh here now.

Happymummyofone: Harsh lesson in having unprotected sex, surely as adults you both knew it could end like this?
I agree, why would you go and use something like the rhythm method (which according to one of my medic gf, it is one of the more accurate method around ! )

Caucasus: I see this response so much to women in my situation - I knew there was a chance I could get pregnant, yes, which is why I'm stepping up to take that responsibility like an adult.
It is not a "chance" when both of you used unprotected sex, AND one of the more higher accuracy method for conception. To be honest, as a bystander reading this. It reads indirectly, or subconsciously "I want children". As a 37 year old lady, I too went past that early 30-something hormonal stage, and my body screamed "babies". I didn't realise it at that time, but it did. So I can understand your desire to say these kind of things and also want it too. I am not sure if you realise this of yourself right now.

Being the responsible adult is actually also to respect him as an adult, and as a partner and take either the morning after pill asap, or both of you should have agreed and locked down a decision on what you would do if it happened. You did not say this. So it is a white lie in an indirect way. Men will think that women who does this is trapping them deliberately.

Maybe you got confused over his comments of "I want a future with you, but I do not want children yet". He means this. You did not take him seriously.

I had no idea that he would become like this, considering the fact he wanted us to have unprotected sex, he's an adult man not a teenager, we're in a long-term, stable and (previously) cohabiting relationship, and we had discussed having children in the future - something he wanted long term but wasn't ready for immediately.
No idea? This is pretty real.

Now he is and has to be a father via a blood tie, and this is something that men also need to be prepared for too. Emotionally, and what about financially ? He will go berserk. As much as you do not think why men do not want children asap, they do care, and it does affect them biologically. It is indeed not a imaginary thing, cos at the moment, you are seeing things from your side. But he will and shall have an actual invisible tie to this child.

And yes, going through an abortion is also a horrible and bad thing too, and yes, it may also scar you a little bit and it does actually affect you psychologically also too. I have also had to sat through and counsel girls during my uni years in our dorms. They wailed so much. Cos they just aborted a child. The people that do not talk about it openly IS because it can and it does hurt and scar you.

I can tell you also privately that when my father was working away, he also started to be depressed cos he couldn't be with his children and he had to tough it out. He cannot switch off knowing if and whether his children were looked after. So basically, you have a choice now, and you are taking the decision now to push him away and say "hey, go away now, and I do not care for your psychological well being in the far future, and I do not give a darn".

As much as your maternal instinct will kick in. His paternal instinct to protect the child will also kick in too. That is how powerful a child can affect two people.

I do not mean to guilt trip you, and I think what you think is happening is a little bit biased. It is not the money aspect. It will all come through later on. It is the future aspect of it all too. To also see your child call another man "Dad". Everything.

I don't get why people can get into this situation, most people will try to go for double protections so that conception cannot happen....

It does not sound like you guys had trust in your relationship. Avoidance is NOT trust. Missing info is NOT trust... I hope that you will let him see his own child. Cos it will psychologically damage him as well. I am sure of it.

[Seasidegirly]

I am going through a similar situation. Ex said last week he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and I wouldn't see him again. He texted me yesterday asking me how I was. I've decided that no contact is the way to go until the baby arrives in a few months. I just don't need the hassle or the stress. My ex has not told his mother or his family about me. Congrats on your pregnancy by the way. Going it alone is scary but with support from friends and family I know I will be ok and so will you. X

[Maisie0]

I do not understand why if it is scary, then why do you guys still go through with it ???

Some ladies also just let the child be born and leave it for adoption too. Or at least for surrogacy. You have a relationship but you will also throw the relationship away ?

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Maisie talking crap again.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Maisie, buy a dictionary and look up surrogacy.

Or, y'know, buzz off.

[Maisie0]

Sorry, I don't mean surrogacy, but adoption. Yes, I realised my typing mistake.

I also agree that abortion is risky, and if OP doesn't then she doesn't. But I wrote that to allow her to see why he is behaving this way now. I hope she won't cut the ties between the baby and her ex. Even if she decides to move onto someone new.

There's nothing the OP can do to persuade him since he made his decisions already. So it is quite irrelevant right now. After something like this, there normally is no relationship left.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Who cares why he is behaving like a moron? The more I read your apologist rubbish Maisie0 the more I wonder what your agenda is.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

"most people will try to go for double protections so that conception cannot happen.... "

And your statistics for this are...?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

"I can tell you also privately"

On a public message board? Not so much.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

From past threads I can say I still find you utterly confusing Maisie.

I dunno if it's just me not understanding what you're saying properly or I dunno everything always seems to go way off base

[Maisie0]

Because even as ladies, your vocals and opinions are quite strong to be honest. Whereas I did not mean to be against you guys or be holding the most unpopular opinion. I did not like reading those kind of "the men is in the wrong" aim again and again. Sometimes, I do try to put forward an opposing view for objectivity sake. Maybe I was hoping for understanding to be honest, which I supposed it is quite moot. Since the guy's position shall never be supported.

I don't know, I guess I was getting quite hysterical and reading waaaaay too much into the OP's actually situation than I should care for. Cos it is indeed very tricky.

Oik said it best. I will leave it at that. I can now appreciate why some people now writes something like "I do not want to be outed".

I will say that now, I do not wish to draw my own laundries here too. I think I wrote too much.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"we decided mutually to use the rhythm method"
This sparked a thought in me, and not a nice one, so I'm hoping I'm wrong.

Caucasus, how mutual was this decision? Whose idea was it? The reason I am asking is, the rhythm method is notoriously unreliable. If it were your ex that suggested it, is it possible that he wanted it to fail in order to exercise total control over you by manipulating you to abort? Because let's face it, he knew you wanted children. How big a buzz would it be for a psychopath control freak to achieve that?

It's just that his determination for this pregnancy not to proceed is seriously at odds with his apparently cavalier attitude to preventing it. His telling his mother that "he can't cope and he wants to die" seems to me to be aimed at controlling her behaviour; making her keep her distance from you in order to 'support' him. So I'm wondering - is he the controlling type? And is what's giving him the hissy-fits his inability to control you rather than the specific event he's trying to control?

Sorry if that's all a bit garbled, hope it makes some sort of sense to you.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Maisie0
This man is in the wrong. End of story. There is no excuse or rationalisation for his behaviour. Your apologism for shitty male behaviour is extraordinary.

[Maisie0]

Ehric Please respect my wishes to drop the matter. I do not wish to get more involved in the OP's situation. Thank you. Nor do I wish for your judgment of me, or on me. Thanks. I realised that I did project way too much here, and it is none of my business if the OP feels guilt on this possible situation or not of the future. The child may or may not want to see both their parents, but yes, I do think that the OP has to look after herself right now, since the future is remained to be seen. For me, I have been that "should she be aborted or not" child.

[Maisie0]

OP: If I have offended you, I do apologise so.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Maisie0 you don't get to tell people not to respond to you or judge you I'm afraid, you posted on mumsnet and that's what happened. I doubt I will be the last.

[Maisie0]

I do not wish to fight you Ehric.

As an adult and an equal, I am asking for some respect, and you did not even give me any. I question your integrity in this kind of situation.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Back to you, OP.

Wrt his mum - leave it with her for now. Once baby is here she can make up her mind what she wants to do.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

hello OP
I could have written this a year ago. after agreeing we would try for a baby I got pregnant and was overjoyed. he was not, he decided he did not want to be a dad after all. begged me to have an abortion time and time again. I was I shock . I told him if he doesn't want the baby I would leave , a very nasty argument ensued culminating in him crying saying he loves me please stay.

to be fair, in all other areas he's a decent man and he really tried to make an effort during the pregnancy and birth. but since my lovely son was born the pressures of parenthood has brought back all the negative emotions and hardly a day goes past where he does not bring it up, always saying he did not want the baby. I had 8 weeks of PND and no help at all from him ('you wanted the kid so deal with it') he has told me he hates me and all sorts of things. Wednesday after once more him saying he wished we would disappear I walked out. I am lucky I have tons of family and friend support and a beautiful perfect baby.

please don't be me, I had the most miserable pregnancy and did not enjoy my newborn and this brings me huge sadness.

do you have RL support? if so please grab it with both hands. I wish you all the best OP and please,please, please enjoy this magical time xx