Partner won't accept pregnancy

[Caucasus]

I've posted about this issue before, so sorry if I'm covering some old ground, but my (ex?) partner is driving me crazy. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and he wants me to abort. At the moment, he refuses to accept that

a) I'm not going to get an abortion and
b) That I have the right to make that decision (against his will)

All he says is that I am selfish, that he has a right to have a say, that if I loved him I would do this for him ("I would do it for you"), that it's not a big ask (in his words, from a text: "Literally everyone we know has had one. I've just had the bad fortune to have to deal with your choices, I feel everyone else has had a get out of jail free card issued to them and I've had the bad luck not to, because of you").

If ever I accuse him of not supporting me, he says "you are not supporting me" or if I say that he doesn't care how I feel, he says "you don't care how I feel". If I say he should be ashamed of himself for being so cruel to his pregnant girlfriend, he says my actions (not getting an abortion) are cruel to him. It's just impossible to argue with him, and he's convinced I'm the bad guy.

Is there any way at all I can make him understand my position? He REFUSES to accept it, and now that I'm pregnant with his child I kind of have to deal with him, and it's a NIGHTMARE.

[CailinDana]

He thinks a wanted baby should die because he's too much of an idiot not to be a fucking moronic twat.

Don't even talk to this asshole. And tell his mother to get off the bloody fence and smack her waste-of-skin son around the chops. He wants to kill her grandchild!

[cantbelievethisishppening]

Oh god....reading your post was like reading about my ex. He tried every trick in the book to 'persuade' me to have a termination. I refused, he disappeared and I had two beautiful twin girls on my own. Tell him to do one.

[Caucasus]

cantbelievethisishppening, thanks, it's good to know others have had this too!

[ZenNudist]

In your situation I'd be telling people the truth, you're pg , your ex wanted to have unprotected sex and told you he wanted children with you 'one day' and now refuses to face up to his responsibilities.

He's a shit. You've had a lucky escape, better going it alone than waste more years with this manipulative tosser.

Please stop being so nice to him. Get tough as he can man up and provide at least what little financial support the CSA make him provide. You will need it. Presumably you won't be earning much on maternity leave? Childcare is expensive as well Togo back to work. Why deprive your poor child?

Definitely leave him off birth certificate. I just googled and see plenty of potential for him to make your life difficult if you have joint parental responsibility.

[clam]

So, does he seriously reckon that, once you've done what he demands, you're going to slot back into your previously cosy relationship as if nothing's happened?

The guy's a twat. You're well-rid.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

My sister put her ex on the b/c and he turned into the biggest manipulative, self important, waste of space. 5 pound a week he pays my sister for their son and he begrudged that, even though he could afford it, he's a proper tax dodger.

So you dont want this man having a say in the major decisions, he wont do it for the benefit of his child, he'll do it just to punish you.

[MikeTheShite]

I have been through this at 22 weeks.
Be strong and feel free to pm me.
Having DD whose nearly 21 months has been amazing and as hard as it's been I wouldn't change it for the world.

[SolidGoldBrass]

My son's father suggested I terminate the pregnancy, as well. (Unplanned, and we weren't a couple; just old pals who had a drunken shag). I said no, I was going to go ahead with it, but that I was happy for him to walk away with no hard feelings. I wasn't angry with him; neither of us had planned for a PG and we were equally to blame - I could respect his wish not to be a father and was OK to let him walk away.

He is now (and has been since DS was born) a brilliant, loving and very involved dad and we all get on fine. However, during the pregnancy, he never tried to bully or harass me into terminating, and in fact rang me out of the blue a month before the birth to apologise and promise to be a good dad. I was going to share this to say, you never know, your XP might get his head out of his arse and come around but the more you post about him, the more he sounds like a total cock, so going complete no contact with him sounds the best option. If he does grow up suddenly and start behaving himself, then you can let him demonstrate his change of heart but until then, there is no need at all to let him spoil your enjoyment of the pregnancy with his attention-seeking bullshit, so cut him off completely. He has no rights at all until the baby is born.

[Fluffycloudland77]

He's a drama queen isn't he?

[GrassIsSinging]

Cut contact with him. If he doesnt want to be a part of hs child's life, on his head be it. You are setting yourself up for endless misery if you carry on engaging with him while he is behaving like this.

[scottishmummy]

Dont let him renege on his financial responsibilities,his baby he coughs up money

[sykadelic]

He's convinced you're the bad guy because to him, you ARE the bad guy. He's not getting his way but you get to get yours... and yours DEEPLY impacts his life. He doesn't see the baby as anything but a choice right now so he doesn't understand why you would choose to punish him, when it would "set you free" as well, he sees it as a mutually beneficial decision. When you think about it from the man's point of view, it's easy to see it's "not fair" to him/them.

Whether he likes it or not, you could have aborted. You could have told him, you could have not told him. That choice was entirely your own and if he did know about the child, suddenly it's ripped from him. He can never carry the child himself, he's dependent on "a woman" to become a father.

Whether he likes it or not, you're having HIS child. YOU are deciding that whether he wants it or not, he is going to be a father. You could argue that he made that decision when he had unprotected sex, but he didn't. He didn't have sex with the idea of a child at the end. The OP didn't either but she is exercising her right to choose AND simultaneously taking away his right to choose (with 2 different opinions, someone was always going to "lose").

He is having a hard time having the control of that choice taken from him. Whether he's in the child's life or not, he is STILL going to have a child out there in the world somewhere. He is still, biologically speaking, a father.

All he sees is blinding panic that his life has changed forever, and there's nothing he can do about it. He is scared shitless and acting very badly out of fear. To him, he's involved in this never-ending car accident and he can't see a way out.

I know it's sucky for you right now, but his behaviour actually says to me that he DOES care about being a good father, and he doesn't feel that he can right now, or he's just scared. If he didn't care at all, he'd just leave and never talk to you again or give the baby anything.

You have given him so many ways out. In the child's life or not. No financial help, but it's still not enough. He's THAT scared of looking like a deadbeat dad he's trying his best not to be a dad at all.

He really needs someone to talk to him about his fear. His mother would be a good one but she seems scared to tip him over the edge. He sounds like he really needs someone to talk to, to come to terms with what's happening.

I would talk to him one last time and let him know that if he likes, you will stop talking him about it and you can just e-mail him, or update someone of his choosing (like his mum) and he can read or hear that information when he likes. That when he's ready to talk, you'll be here. That way he doesn't need to worry about hearing from you any more and he can comes to terms with things slowly.

I would also suggest to his mum that she talk to him about how SHE is feeling. That she's excited about being a grandma and that she knows that hurts him but that she will help however she can etc etc. Maybe hearing "I know you don't want this but it's happening" from his mum will help him.

Sorry this is so long!

[expatinscotland]

He had the choice to not be a bullying, harassing adult, sky. He had the choice to behave as an adult and, if he in fact had all these ickle feelings the poor put-upon soul, to do the adult thing about it and see a counsellor, find support groups, see a doctor.

Instead he choses to continually threaten, bully and harass his ex.

This is never right no matter what his poor ickle feelings of lack of control.

The adult response to bullying, harassing, spoilt adults who behave like kids is to get them out of your life, to no longer serve as an outlet for their unacceptable behaviour and move on from it.

Thankfully, most of the posters on here have advised this to the OP, who needs to stop engaging with this piece of shit.

[expatinscotland]

'When you think about it from the man's point of view, it's easy to see it's "not fair" to him/them.'


And thankfully, most men are adult enough to see that a) it's not all about themselves b) life is not fair c) being a grown up means you behave like one.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Syk, that's all very understanding and all but did you miss the bit where he willingly ejaculated semen into a fertile woman's vagina? He made his choice then, he took a risk and it didn't pay off. He has in right to be panicking, desperate with fear and behaving like a cunt over it.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

He has no right

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

You choose to have unprotected sex, and it results in a baby, its your own fault, hes not some dumb teen, hes an adult, who knows where babies come from, he didnt protect against it, so he cant really be bitching now there's a baby 22 weeks from taking its first breath.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

It always comes down to this.

Us women get to whinge thought don't we and have an abortion? Despite being adults and having unprotected sex?

I'm pro choice, if a woman can chose she doesn't want to keep her baby because she doesn't want the responsibility and has other plans in life so can a man. With 'keep' meaning maintain contact in the man's case.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Regardless I think we should all should refrain from turning this into a debate and instead support the OP

[expatinscotland]

Maintenance of contact is a matter for the court to decide, Tequila, because sometimes children get cunts like this for a parent.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Of course we get to abort because we are the ones who are pregnant. Abortion is exercising our right to have autonomy over our body. Once a child is born it has rights and one of those rights is to know who its parents are. A man can't 'abort' his fatherhood to a born child, the two things are incomparable

how many times have I explained that very simple distinction

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

A man can't be forced to have contact with his child can he?

[expatinscotland]

A parent cannot be forced to maintain contact, but he/she can be compelled to pay for the upkeep of a child.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Yes we have autonomy over our own bodies, but we support pro choice in more aspects in that. We also bang on about how women have the right to their life, how they have plans, how they may not be able to afford or support a child, not mature enough..

we say this for women, but god forbid a man think the same.

And in this case the man is an absolute twat because he's been so abusive to her, and cruel and manipulative, regardless of all of that.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

No, he cant, but he should walk away and not lay a shit guilt trip on the expectant mother.

A simple, "I'm sorry, I dont want this, go it alone if thats what you want, would have done it"