Partner won't accept pregnancy

[Caucasus]

I've posted about this issue before, so sorry if I'm covering some old ground, but my (ex?) partner is driving me crazy. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and he wants me to abort. At the moment, he refuses to accept that

a) I'm not going to get an abortion and
b) That I have the right to make that decision (against his will)

All he says is that I am selfish, that he has a right to have a say, that if I loved him I would do this for him ("I would do it for you"), that it's not a big ask (in his words, from a text: "Literally everyone we know has had one. I've just had the bad fortune to have to deal with your choices, I feel everyone else has had a get out of jail free card issued to them and I've had the bad luck not to, because of you").

If ever I accuse him of not supporting me, he says "you are not supporting me" or if I say that he doesn't care how I feel, he says "you don't care how I feel". If I say he should be ashamed of himself for being so cruel to his pregnant girlfriend, he says my actions (not getting an abortion) are cruel to him. It's just impossible to argue with him, and he's convinced I'm the bad guy.

Is there any way at all I can make him understand my position? He REFUSES to accept it, and now that I'm pregnant with his child I kind of have to deal with him, and it's a NIGHTMARE.

[jaykay34]

Hi OP....Just a few weeks ago, I was in a really similar situation to you.
I did write a post on here about it as I was so confused at the time...basically, I found out I was pregnant at 15 weeks...it was a huge shock to me and I deperately needed reassurance. My partner's reaction was really negative and I was accustomed to the fact that we would split up.
He didn't want the relationship to end - he just didn't want the baby.
We lived in a strained environment for a couple of weeks...then I had a bleed (I'd been having periods before I realised I was pregnant) and he suddenly became all worried and caring. I was hospitalised overnight but refused to let him come to the hospital as I was so angry about his earlier attitude.
It turned out everything was fine with the baby and we told our families about the pregnancy, who were subsequently all excited and over the moon.
Since then he has attended the 20 week scan - which prompted him to buy a load of stuff for the baby. We had to return as the baby was awkward at the first scan and the sonographer couldn't get all the measurements she needed - and he also attended the second scan and then talked about the baby non-stop after.
Things have completely turned around over the past 7 weeks and I don't think he can believe his initial attitude.
I guess what I am saying is that things can work out. Obviously, I think at the moment, you are doing the right thing - and there is no denying that your ex is being an arse - but sometimes initial reactions can change. In the case of my partner - he was in shock and the baby threw whatever his little life plan was completely off balance. He's a practical person and was worried about being too old to be a dad again/money/space for baby etc. Now he has come to terms with it, he is completely different.
Congratulations on your pregnancy btw

[SolidGoldBrass]

I agree with whoever said that, given the Man was the one who was keen on not-very-protected sex, this might be more about his wish to control the OP than anything else.
Some men are very fond of impregnanting women because they are obsessed with the mightiness of their own dicks. But they don't want children so they then try to force the women to terminate.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Does it really matter HOW the op got pregnant and any supposed carelessness that may have led to this? The fact is she IS pregnant and her ex is an arse. Who cares about him op. Get rid. Same happened to me and he buggered off, regretted it as came round but I won't take him back as he should have supported my pregnancy.
Am using copper coil now...and celibacy as contraception!

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Wildbill, read the Op's posts for your answer. You can highlight them with Customise.

[WildBill]

I can see both sides here, yes it's OP's choice to have a termination or not however he father has made his view on the unborn child very clear so why the OP is still imagining he will want something to do with it and 'come round' is a mystery.

I'm sure we've all known someone who is in a rocky relationship and then has an 'accidentally on purpose' pregnancy in order to try and seal a committment to it.

Not saying that is what happened here but I'd be curious if this pregnancy was discussed prior to conception or the state of the relationship and when you the OP broke up with the partner.
OP if you have this child you will be on your own, don't expect anything from the father except financial contribution. Give up trying to change his mind - he's already left.

[Viviennemary]

I agree totally with Megan. You can't change the way he feels or his actions. And torturing yourself with the whys and wherefores and what could have happened is not good. Just think about yourself and the baby and do what is best for you.

[MeganBacon]

Op, as others have said, it's time to stop trying to change the way he feels about it and look after yourself and your unborn baby. For now, it's not worth debating the rights and wrongs of what as happened wrt contraception and previous promises.
I was once in a position very similar to yours. You may worry about him leaving now but once the baby is here you will be much more focussed on the love you have for the baby and you will wonder why you bothered about the reluctant father. Your heart is telling you to keep the baby so listen to that. I managed fine and so will you. I wish you all the best.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

hello OP
I could have written this a year ago. after agreeing we would try for a baby I got pregnant and was overjoyed. he was not, he decided he did not want to be a dad after all. begged me to have an abortion time and time again. I was I shock . I told him if he doesn't want the baby I would leave , a very nasty argument ensued culminating in him crying saying he loves me please stay.

to be fair, in all other areas he's a decent man and he really tried to make an effort during the pregnancy and birth. but since my lovely son was born the pressures of parenthood has brought back all the negative emotions and hardly a day goes past where he does not bring it up, always saying he did not want the baby. I had 8 weeks of PND and no help at all from him ('you wanted the kid so deal with it') he has told me he hates me and all sorts of things. Wednesday after once more him saying he wished we would disappear I walked out. I am lucky I have tons of family and friend support and a beautiful perfect baby.

please don't be me, I had the most miserable pregnancy and did not enjoy my newborn and this brings me huge sadness.

do you have RL support? if so please grab it with both hands. I wish you all the best OP and please,please, please enjoy this magical time xx

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Back to you, OP.

Wrt his mum - leave it with her for now. Once baby is here she can make up her mind what she wants to do.

[Maisie0]

I do not wish to fight you Ehric.

As an adult and an equal, I am asking for some respect, and you did not even give me any. I question your integrity in this kind of situation.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Maisie0 you don't get to tell people not to respond to you or judge you I'm afraid, you posted on mumsnet and that's what happened. I doubt I will be the last.

[Maisie0]

OP: If I have offended you, I do apologise so.

[Maisie0]

Ehric Please respect my wishes to drop the matter. I do not wish to get more involved in the OP's situation. Thank you. Nor do I wish for your judgment of me, or on me. Thanks. I realised that I did project way too much here, and it is none of my business if the OP feels guilt on this possible situation or not of the future. The child may or may not want to see both their parents, but yes, I do think that the OP has to look after herself right now, since the future is remained to be seen. For me, I have been that "should she be aborted or not" child.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Maisie0
This man is in the wrong. End of story. There is no excuse or rationalisation for his behaviour. Your apologism for shitty male behaviour is extraordinary.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"we decided mutually to use the rhythm method"
This sparked a thought in me, and not a nice one, so I'm hoping I'm wrong.

Caucasus, how mutual was this decision? Whose idea was it? The reason I am asking is, the rhythm method is notoriously unreliable. If it were your ex that suggested it, is it possible that he wanted it to fail in order to exercise total control over you by manipulating you to abort? Because let's face it, he knew you wanted children. How big a buzz would it be for a psychopath control freak to achieve that?

It's just that his determination for this pregnancy not to proceed is seriously at odds with his apparently cavalier attitude to preventing it. His telling his mother that "he can't cope and he wants to die" seems to me to be aimed at controlling her behaviour; making her keep her distance from you in order to 'support' him. So I'm wondering - is he the controlling type? And is what's giving him the hissy-fits his inability to control you rather than the specific event he's trying to control?

Sorry if that's all a bit garbled, hope it makes some sort of sense to you.

[Maisie0]

Because even as ladies, your vocals and opinions are quite strong to be honest. Whereas I did not mean to be against you guys or be holding the most unpopular opinion. I did not like reading those kind of "the men is in the wrong" aim again and again. Sometimes, I do try to put forward an opposing view for objectivity sake. Maybe I was hoping for understanding to be honest, which I supposed it is quite moot. Since the guy's position shall never be supported.

I don't know, I guess I was getting quite hysterical and reading waaaaay too much into the OP's actually situation than I should care for. Cos it is indeed very tricky.

Oik said it best. I will leave it at that. I can now appreciate why some people now writes something like "I do not want to be outed".

I will say that now, I do not wish to draw my own laundries here too. I think I wrote too much.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

From past threads I can say I still find you utterly confusing Maisie.

I dunno if it's just me not understanding what you're saying properly or I dunno everything always seems to go way off base

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

"I can tell you also privately"

On a public message board? Not so much.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

"most people will try to go for double protections so that conception cannot happen.... "

And your statistics for this are...?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Who cares why he is behaving like a moron? The more I read your apologist rubbish Maisie0 the more I wonder what your agenda is.

[Maisie0]

Sorry, I don't mean surrogacy, but adoption. Yes, I realised my typing mistake.

I also agree that abortion is risky, and if OP doesn't then she doesn't. But I wrote that to allow her to see why he is behaving this way now. I hope she won't cut the ties between the baby and her ex. Even if she decides to move onto someone new.

There's nothing the OP can do to persuade him since he made his decisions already. So it is quite irrelevant right now. After something like this, there normally is no relationship left.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Maisie, buy a dictionary and look up surrogacy.

Or, y'know, buzz off.

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Maisie talking crap again.

[Maisie0]

I do not understand why if it is scary, then why do you guys still go through with it ???

Some ladies also just let the child be born and leave it for adoption too. Or at least for surrogacy. You have a relationship but you will also throw the relationship away ?