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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've left please hold my hand

449 replies

notmakingsense · 11/05/2014 15:43

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him Sad but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 07:43

Stick to your guns over the two nights a week and tell the children that are old enough to understand that, if they want to speak to you, they just have to ask Daddy to call you. They probably won't call but it'll be bit of a life-line for them. Let your Mum deal with the workplace 'atmosphere'... it's not your problem.

And FWIW, aside from the initial stamping, things appear to be reasonably civil at the moment. You have a plan for if he kicks off and you have the solicitor for advice. Try to reduce your anxiety by telling yourself that you have covered the bases.

captainmummy · 15/05/2014 08:18

OP - please stop feeling guilty! NONE of this is your fault. It's HIS fault he couldn't be civil enough to you to retain your love for him. It's his fault the marriage has not worked. He hasn't changed a single bit. It's also his responsiblity to help his son through this, not make it harder.

It will get better. you have got yourself and your children away from his toxic, abusive bullying. The initial upheaval is of course distressing, but once it settles down, it is easier for all concerned. See a solicitor, get contact formalised, get advice from WA. Stay NC with his, and you will start to see things clearer.
Your mums work - well, there is nothing you can do about that. If his sister is so unprofessional as to bring her brothers problems to work, well, I'm sure your mum can rise above that!

Original poster
notmakingsense · 15/05/2014 08:24

cog im going to stick to the 2 days but felt as ds should have been with him today I couldn't say no to a visit Sad I think my worry is mainly about dc welfare and what will happen when he gets the solicitors letter now he appears to have backed off a little bit im doubting myself as to whether this will set things off again.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 15/05/2014 08:33

If he kicks off and you have the slightest doubts that contact with ds will cause his distress, you have every right to change your mind! Document it all though, write it all down, you may need to prove it at some stage.

Stop worrying about his state of mind, and doubting yourself. It needed to be done, he forced you into it. Once you are over this, it gets better. Stay strong.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 08:47

You can always say no. It's natural that you're concerned for the DCs' welfare if your ex has not had much to do with looking after them previously but that will be a question of observation and listening to the children rather than pumping them too much for information.

The solicitor's letter will arrive and he will doubtless be annoyed. But please reassure yourself that you have a plan in place for what happens if that annoyance becomes aggressive again. Your 'technique' here is that every time he gets out of his box you swiftly put him back in with help if necessary. Cowards want an easy life...

Original poster
notmakingsense · 15/05/2014 09:25

Thanks captainsmummy and cog I just want to be fair to dc no matter how much it hurts/distresses me. Ds is not at school today due to being sick but gp could find nothing physical which I suspected anyway but now I dont know whether to send him to school tommorow or not Sad he also has a problem there with some boys. My inclination is to let him stay home and start a fresh from Monday but would this look bad for me? I know it will create s reaction from his family as his aunt (who has been fairly supportive so far) normally has the dc on a friday while I work but I have taken emergency holidays incase anything did kick off tommorow Sad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 09:36

I suggest you talk to the school, tell them that there's been a relationship breakdown and that there's quite a lot of upset. Tell them also about the problems he's having with other children because bullying should be a zero tolerance issue.... as you yourself know only too well. Like you, he needs to know that it's unacceptable and that people are looking after him.

Ask their advice if they think it's better than he goes in or stays home because I find, when presented with this kind of thing, schools can be very supportive. You will not 'look bad', you will look like what you are... a mother who wants reassurance that they are doing the right thing

His family, his sister, his aunt and everyone else can react however the hell they like. They do not have a say in the way you live your life or how you raise your children.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 15/05/2014 10:07

cog the school know about both and are keeping an eye on him for me. I dont think or at least hope he would not try to collect ds from school but if he gets the solicitors letter beforehand im just not sure Sad chances are im being paranoid but I dont know as he is impulsive amd doesn't link action and consequences till after he has done something. Im actually wondering if whether when he gets the letter which includes returning car to me whether it will come back with "problems" and almost certainly an empty Fuel tank. Mostly im just praying he accepts the 2 days without too much fuss. Eldest dc birthday is in a few weeks too god knows what to do about that.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 10:31

Does the school specifically know not to hand DS over to his father without your permission? A car with an empty fuel tank is a chance you take. If it's been deliberately damaged, keep a record for the benefit of your solicitor. Birthdays and other special occasions have to be managed within the agreed contract schedule and celebrated separately. (This can be 'sold' to DS as a good thing because it means he gets two parties rather than one.) Over time you might agree to relax this but, at the moment, you are still in the process of setting firm boundaries that he has to respect and honour.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 15/05/2014 11:57

cog the teacher has been asking me who is doing pick up and he has been getting collected from office so far but I will go in and follow it up.

The contact schedule is unfortunately not able to be the same every week due to the nature of exp work he will have 2 or 3 days off but they change and my thoughts are he will deliberately make it so he is off ds birthday despite it being midweek Sad im unsure if I can say no sorry other plans as I think ds would be distraught not to see me on his birthday and my dad actually as they are practically joined at the hip Smile but dont suppose theres much I can do that way.

Ds seems fairly happy just now, I miss dd but she will be back later. As pathetic as it is I just need people here and in rl telling me ive done the right thing over and again Sad

It seems the atmosphere for my mum is due to her and his sister speaking and sister said ive told him they are both as bad as each other to which my mum replied eh no your brother has alot to answer for. Oh god and so it begins.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2014 12:05

Don't change the contact schedule just because he works odd hours. This is a new start remember. You are in control of your life and he is solely responsible for his now. You've had to make some severe changes to your life to get out of this relationship. You've had to move yourself and your DCs away from their home, have meetings with solicitors, call utility companies, speak to schools .... all kinds of really stressful stuff. So why should your exH be able to carry on as normal? Why is he to be protected from change? As the solicitor put it, you set out the carrot and he'll just have to find a way to make work.

Lweji · 15/05/2014 12:24

Yes, let him do the running and time adjustment.
He should request reasonable changes to contact times, not demand, and you'll decide if you agree or not.

captainmummy · 15/05/2014 12:51

DON'T worry about your mum and her work situation. HIs sister, aunt, friends - they can say and do what they like. Your mum is old enough to handle work. Dn't get embroiled in that - you have enough to do. It will sort itself out, when contact and living arrangements are finalised.

You are doing the right thing! You are protecting your children from the abuse and bullying from your ex. They will (eventually) have a calm, loving, peaceful home, in which they can grow into themselves, rather than into a mini version of him.
Contact (in the event of changeable dates) might be - 1 evening inthe week (to be agreed beforehand, once he knows his schedule) and one overnight at weekends, every other weekend.

Re ds birthday - maybe you can take him out, or arrange his party, then ex can have him afterward for tea, and presents from his family? Or he has him first for a few hours, then you and your family?

Thumbwitch · 15/05/2014 15:30

Your mum and your SIL need to back away from this - it's not their fight and they shouldn't make it such. Of course your SIL is going to "side" with her brother and of course your mum is going to "side" with you - that's what normal family members do! But there's no need for them to fall out over it, they simply shouldn't discuss it, especially not at work. They need to forget that they are in any way connected familially outside of work and just stick to what they do while in work time.

You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Keep going. xx

Original poster
notmakingsense · 15/05/2014 21:29

Trying to stay strong but this is so hard. Ds has been very angry tonight hitting out flinging things stomping upstairs what do I do? I tried to calm him down but it took a long long time and he is still angry just not hitting out Sad my head hurts and the letter will reach ex tomorrow fuck anyone want to swap me places right now id pay for a few hours off.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/05/2014 21:48

I think you need to get some time and space to be with your DS and allow him to talk about things. Bed time is often the best time with my DS. We can talk about the day, have silences and it's when he often comes out with things that worry him

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2014 22:34

It's so hard for children to put these things into words, so they often act out. A gentle leading conversation such as "I can see that you are angry/sad/upset……." will sometimes work. They are also afraid of either being the cause of the split or that they will upset you. Lots of love along with reinforcing behaviour (I see you're upset, but we still don't throw things/hit. Do you want to tell me about it?". Allow yourself to understand that you are in a NEW situation & it's normal to feel a bit adrift. It'll get more settled as time goes on.

Is your mum the type that you could ask not to talk to you about SiL & the work thing? You have enough without that added stress.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 15/05/2014 22:56

I asked him but so far he says he doesn't know whats making him angry Sad thats the worse he has been though it had started prior to split. So far ive said its ok to feel angry/sad and he can talk to me/tell me anything and I will try to help but do not hit or throw things. He said he wouldn't apologise for the original misdemeanour (pushing little cousin) as apologising was "stupid" this was more or less what my ex thought about apologies too! Im hoping that his behaviour will calm down in time Sad

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/05/2014 00:43

I'm sure it will, with all the love you obviously have for both your dcs, it's bound to. It'll just take time. And if he was 'modeling' his dad's behaviour, then that's another proof that you've done the right thing in leaving!

Lweji · 16/05/2014 00:56

The trick is not to ask directly, but just have a conversation. Whatever is bugging them will come out eventually. You can play a game, talk about something that interests him.
Or just offer reassurance that things will be ok and you won't leave him.

AdoraBell · 16/05/2014 01:05

When he says that apologizing is stupid tell him, gently, that it really isn't stupid, it's about knowing when you have hurt/upset someone and you didn't mean to hurt them, apologizing helps both parties to move on.

Don't tell him right out that he is copying ex, and don't ask him out right what he's feelings are.

AdoraBell · 16/05/2014 01:30

Sorry, had to cut that short as had my DH in my ear.

You are doing fantastically well, it just doesn't feel like from your side of the screen. The more you reassure DS the more he will respond to you and calm down. It isn't going to happen overnight just like him becoming so angry didn't happen overnight.

As hard as it feels right now I am personally really happy that you've done this now. Splitting up always has an impact on the DCs, but the longer you put up with a broken marriage the more damage is done and the more work needed to fix it. Trust me, being from a broken home is much better than living in a broken home. And if one partner is abusive then it's broken. That isn't your fault, but you can fix it for your DS, and that's exactly what leaving is doing. So be kinder to yourself, you deserve a {{hug}} and some Cake and Wine.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 16/05/2014 04:12

Thanks I will try some of those suggestions I just want my poor ds to be ok and know how much I love him and how unconditional that is poor little thing Sad

It's helping to just be able to get this all out and written down somewhere. I dont know that id be getting through without this support and encouragement so thank you.

Letter should arrive tommorow im bricking it Blush

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Lweji · 16/05/2014 06:47

Agreeing with Alana.
You are doing well and it is natural to have children lashing out as it is a confusing period for them.

This is a tricky time and you will have to enforce boundaries and your usual discipline as before. It will actually give them reassurance.
But also dish out some extra love. I think they call it love bombing these days.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 16/05/2014 11:54

lewji I am telling I love him all the time maybe too much.

Solicitors letter should arrive today and I feel sick I have family up collecting the dc bed&cot as there is nothing else I haven't removed thats of any practical use. The letter states I have no interest in the contents of the house from here on in. In regards to joint account it says he can retain the money so long as he pays all final bills for the house (could well be nearer 1k anyway) it tells him he either clears finance for the car or returns it immediately failure to do so will result in it being reported stolen.

in regard to dc it says that everyday access will not be happening that I have agreed he can have contact and that the onus is on him to propose which days this will be and I can reject and counter propose and that failure to return the dc will result in a residence order and affect his contact with them. It also states that ds is afraid of him due to being picked on, shouted at etc and so it may be better for contact to be gradually built to gain his trust and confidence Sad

It states he has not to contact me directly but my solicitor fuck im really pooing my pants now Sad

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