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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've left please hold my hand

449 replies

notmakingsense · 11/05/2014 15:43

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him Sad but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 14:16

cog lewji thats what scares me the thought of losing dc but solicitor seems to think he would struggle to get even 50/50 fuck im bot coping he is coming for youngest after 3 (yep taking both dc) and I feel sick despite the fact that my sister will be doing the handover im scared really really scared Sad

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Thumbwitch · 14/05/2014 14:18

"he seems unable to grasp that popping in every day is confusing for the dc and causing me distress. "

As Cogito says, he knows damn well he's causing you distress. He's enjoying causing you distress. The fact that it might be upsetting your DC is completely unimportant to him - all he cares about now is point-scoring against you and causing you more distress.

If your solicitor says you can empty the joint account then I strongly suggest you do it. Because if he has a card, and all he has to do is request a PIN, then he could do that and empty it himself. If you feel that you need to safeguard the money, then put it into a new savings account or something - but remove it from where he can access it.

Lweji · 14/05/2014 14:20

Hugs.
I would be stressed too, to be honest.

And quite frankly, I might well change my mind until he showed that he could be trusted. I.e. that he was not adding to the children's stress.

Fingers crossed.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2014 14:30

I think you've gotten very good and practical advice from the solicitor. Frankly, I'd take 1/2 of whatever is in the joint account. It's community marital property (at least it is here in the US) 50/50, not a % based on who earned how much of it. You are facing a legal battle & will need all the financial resources you can get. Remember, you are doing this for your dcs.

Again, I'll stress that someone (probably your dad) should tell him to stop showing up on the doorstep after he is notified of the contact schedule if it continues to be a problem. For some reason he'd probably listen if another man told him. He obviously has no respect for women!

You are doing so well! Look at the strength you are showing in knuckling down & getting things done!

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 14:31

I wont go back on what I said this time as much as id like too but if he behaves inappropriately I will go back to solicitor and take it further.

Im actually waiting on a call back as I forgot to ask what I could do if he refused to give dc back Sad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 14:33

I realise you're very upset but I'm not sure what it is you're 'really, really scared' of. If your sister is doing the handover then that's a good safety measure. If he still gets angry or aggressive you can always call the police. 101 is their non-emergency number and you could even call that now, ask to talk to their DV unit, tell them you're anticipating trouble (if that's the case) and they will be on alert should you call them again.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 14:34

As pathetic as I am being the reason I havent fought him for it as yet is I think the fees in resulting legal action may make it unfeasible ie have to use it to keep it??

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 14:35

Same applies, incidentally, if the DCs are not returned as agreed. Police involvement, get it on record, and then watch his claim for daily visits disappear back up his arse.....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 14:37

Do you mean you think legal fees will use up the money you get? Take the money first, use it to feed and clothe your children and talk to your solicitor about fees. Another very good reason for getting his behaviour reported is that (documented) domestic abuse cases still qualify for legal aid.

Miggsie · 14/05/2014 14:48

Hi there - I do urge you to buy Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" about controlling and abusive men. It will put your husband's actions in context and enable you to deal with him better. Lundy also runs through common behaviour patterns and how to deal with them.
A friend went through this - he was horrible to her throughout their marriage, then she left and he couldn't turn up fast enough, but it was all about him still.

She found Lundy's book very helpful and enabled her to get control of her single life with kids and see his antics for what they were.

Cog is correct - he doesn't want to see the kids, he wants to make you suffer and they are the way he knows he can do it. Your husband is a very good manipulator indeed and doesn't give a sh*t about anyone but himself.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 15:15

Im scared he will kick off or say at that point that the kids wont be coming back Sad ive left a note to be handed over that any communication other than emergency with dc or dc themselves is to be txt or email not sure how he will react.

Yes that it would cost me as much to get what entitled to as I would actually get as I have already made it so I have 3000 in my accounts there or thereabouts anyway. I feel sick havent been able to eat all day Sad

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Lweji · 14/05/2014 15:17

I think you should get his agreement in a durable form (email or text) of when he will return the children. ´
Or no contact.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 15:21

When your sister hands the children over, she should tell him that you're expecting them back by tomorrow. Seriously... do make that pre-emptive call to the 101 DV unit. You've got a solicitor on your side already and the more people you have supporting you, the better you'll feel.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 16:49

God that was awful I cried after dc left, eldest popped up to see me and asked if I was coming too I said no mummy has to go for a shower then help your aunty he asked me to go downstairs and I had to say no and was I going to be staying tonight and I said no this is your time with daddy hope you have fun and I will see you tomorrow but fuck me that was hard. He confirmed in front of my sister and her df that he would bring them back no later than 8pm tommorow so will just need yo wait and see and hope. Im due to work friday but have taken another emergency holiday as im worried that after he gets solicitors letter he will collect them from his aunt (who usually has them a friday) and refuse to return them Sad id forgotten youngests car seat was in my parents car and apparently he was a bit arsey about that is coming back for it (I wont be in I hope)

I feel so drained so guilty for poor ds. I dont know how to cope with all this.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 16:59

You're actually coping pretty well. I know it feels rough right now but you've got an agreement about the return time, you've given your DS a great explanation of 'time with Daddy' and you've side-stepped his arsey behaviour very nicely.

I think that, by standing strong, not engaging and getting the legal advice, he's realising you won't give in to bullying. That's good.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 17:07

He doesn't know about the legal advice yet cog I asked for letter to sent out tommorow so he should get it friday I think thats when it will get worse as he clearly feels 2 days a week will be him being hard done to when in actual fact thats more time than he ever bothered with dc while we were together. He would come in from work have dinner maybe spend 5 mins talking to ds or picking up dd unless I specifically said u need to feed her while I finish dinner for us then would spend lots of time online gaming talking to his friends even if his mum etc were up too Confused no doubt I will be made out to be a liar though. I also have a long term health condition it has never affected my being able to care for dc but I expect that he will try to use that too Sad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 17:13

Of course he'll threaten to use everything against you but you know it's all hot air. Bullies are usually pretty pathetic types. They throw their weight about scaring people who they think can't fight back... women with health conditions, children. Show them some teeth, send a solicitor's letter or two and you soon see their custardy yellow innards. He'll froth and stamp but that just his dickless impotence talking. I have a crisp tenner here says he quickly finds his two days a week with the DCs a bit too much like hard work and then finds some weaselly way to reduce it. :)

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 20:12

Oh god so eldest dc is back with me has been since just before 6.30 I went out with my sister just to get a run out and got a call from dc that he was coming home while I was out I asked why and only got because I just want to thats why so by time I got back he was here. Youngest is with him though. So plan then was he would collect eldest from school tommorow return them both at bedtime but ds has been throwing up so had to say he wont be there so then he wanted to come and see him Confused I have arranged a time and dc will be here with a family member but I will not. I dont know if that was the right thing but all I could think of fuck fuck this is really hard Sad

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AdoraBell · 14/05/2014 20:16

Did ex bring DS back? It looks like DS might have come back on his own, but that could just be the way I am reading it.

Do you have an assertive family member who will handle the visit?

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 20:21

Yes ex brought him back. Yes it will be my sisters df that is here I will go out with parents to do some food shopping dont know if im just being childish but I dont want to see ex at all if it can be avoided Sad

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YourHandInMyHand · 14/05/2014 21:04

Well done on making the break. Be firm, be strong, don't look back.

When I left a very similar situation the one thing I was firm on was not having loads of discussions/face to face time with him. Set those 2 times a week in stone (days and times) then there is very little else to discuss.

Take that money from the joint account and stick it somewhere else. Maybe open a savings account in each dc's names and split it between them? See it as safeguarding funds for them.

My ex made lots of noise about wanting DS more. It was all bluster. He also had people feeling sorry for him at first but they soon came to their senses.

Get some support from women's aid if you can, it speaks volumes if you do end up in court to have a DV support worker with you. That may sound rather callous but it's true and he IS abusive. Not only is he still trying to bully you but he is also upsetting your eldest.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 14/05/2014 21:55

yourhandinmyhand I have emailed them tonight to see of they can help me at all. Its all such a mess and I can see my ds is hurting im unsure how to help and feel guilty about it Sad

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AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2014 01:50

Oh bless his little heart! I'm sure what he needs is a lot of cuddles and reassurance from his mum & grandparents. And maybe something special to eat or drink. Things will get better sense , for all of you.

I have a teeny feeling that H probably said something upsetting to him, but it's probably best to let that lie for right now & hope it's an isolated incident. If it continues, you may want to talk to someone to figure the best way to help ds deal with it.

AdoraBell · 15/05/2014 03:46

Glad it wasn't as I thought then. And yes, ex quite likely said something that upset him. Don't try to get him to tell you, but be available to listen if he wants to talk. And YY to lots of hugs and reassurance.

Not wanting to see ex is not childish, it is sensible. Most of us wouldn't give the time of day to someone who treats us the way he has you but when DCs are involved we are forced to continue communicating with them. It makes no sense, it goes against our instincts and our heads are telling us to avoid, avoid and avoid some more.

Hope it goes smoothly and you can relax. Try having a bubble bath with something like lavender essential oil or Neroli oil if you can, it will really help when you are feeling over stressed.

Original poster
notmakingsense · 15/05/2014 07:24

I really hope he didn't say anything upsetting to him Sad I can see my poor ds is suffering and its killing me. I have been thinking constantly about how youngest is doing but refrained from making contact to ask then wondering if this will be seen as my not caring. God I feel sick all the time! My mum has to work in same place as his sister and some of his friends and there is an atmosphere for her where previously there was a good realtionship Sad

Id just like everything to be civil but its nit going to be.

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