I've left please hold my hand

[notmakingsense]

Hi I have previously posted about my well I guess now my ex partner. This is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2062136-need-advice-long

So last night we wound up having another argument and it all came out so now ive left with no legal advice though hopefully I wont need it. Im feeling incredibly guilty as he was so shocked and its the 1st time ive seen any emotion other than anger he said he would seek help about his anger issues and stop shouting so much but I just cant stay.

I hope he does get help and work through whatever is causing it but I still think separating is for best as it was/is badly affecting eldest dc and I have completely switched off from him to cope with to the point where I just dont care about him but I feel so bad that he is hurting and im so confused is feeling like that normal? A part of me keeps saying what of your wrong and the things he says about my contributing to his anger by being soft with dc and neurotic with money are right. Im changing everyones life. I was so sure before it actually happened now im having moments of doubt

across you lucky thing it must have been great living so close to Disneyland! I will just need to save up for the next 10 years or win the lottery

I'm trying hard to be as reasonable as possible even when I don’t want to be, it often feels like that despite leaving ex due to his behaviour I'm the one who has to keep quiet incase the dc hear and bend over backwards to accommodate access. He did when we were together have 3 out of 4 sundays off but even if he now works every other sunday then to have a 3rd off he would only need to ask yo change 1 weekend a month to have 3 sundays off as ive said he can have 1 in 3. I have already had to change a day I work every week so surely he should change one weekend a month?

Id never admit this in rl but sometimes I feel like I'm missing him well the nice him obviously the funny him. I just feel like a failure all in

Pasture's always greener other side of the fence, sense. As a child all I wanted to do was move to England and 'live in a castle with horses'. Still a dream of mine . I actually asked Santa for it one year. He left me a note explaining why he couldn't grant my Christmas Wish.

I think it's entirely reasonable that he have to give a little, too. But all you can do is ask, you can't force it. You may feel that you are bending over backwards for him, but in reality, you are the one doing the right thing for the children. Try to look at it that way, love, you aren't doing anything for him you are doing it all for them. And the time will come when they realize it. That will be when you get the appreciation for what you are doing now.

across the thought of that note from santa made me smile

I know I'm doing for the dc but it sure doesn't feel like it sometimes, I will compromise with things and have done such as pick up times and not having set days but asking for his days off in advance but the 1 thing I'm not keen to do is give any more than 1 in 3 saturdays I dont have any other non school days I can take ds to do things and tbh its what he is used to as before the split ex worked lots of saturdays but not so many sundays like 1 in 4. No reply to that email as yet so no idea what he will say.

So im still finding it difficult with some friends (the same ones) a while back id laid my cards on the table and said I couldn't open up to people who remained friends with ex. I have since told one that I and ds have a support worker to help with the emotional abuse. Her dp is still facebook friends with him and id seen he had commented joking about with ex. I know this shouldn't bother me but it does and im not even sure why. I kind of feel its like he is "getting away" with being what he is or her oh doesn't believe me as I cant wrap my head around laughing and joking even on fb with ex as I certainly wouldn't/couldn't if shoe was on other foot! So to save the heart ache I deleted friends oh so I wouldn't have to see it. Now I have a txt asking me if I deleted him?! If I say yes and explain myself then I will be told im childish etc and/or an argument will ensue. How do I say the above so they understand?

If they were joking about EA, that's not on and says a lot about them! But typical of an EA person to make light of it. Remember that you can't control him. As unfair as it sounds, he's free to say and do whatever he pleases, just as you are. The difference is that it appears to me that you are more of a 'private person' who keeps troubles to herself whereas he feels the need to trumpet everything to all and sundry. All you can do is try to not let it get to you and to remember that YOU are taking the high road.

You did right to unfriend and I'd tell the truth if asked, that his comments were hurtful to you and that you felt belittled by them. If they can't understand that, it's their problem not yours. Even if I thought a friend was being 'siliy', as a real friend I'd still consider that it bothered them & not say things like that even if I couldn't understand why out of respect for their feelings.

I'm sure his solicitor will advise him as to Sunday access. Here it's normally every other weekend, or in your case it would probably be alternate Sundays (2 yours, 2 his). Hopefully he'll agree to your proposal. It's baby-steps, but it looks as if things are progressing, if slowly. How good it will be when it's all settled!

across it wasnt about ea per say just joking about what his new female flat mate would say about him but id opened up a little and said he was a ea bully to me and ds and that we had support workers yet he still seems to think and be treating him as if he is some great guy or at least thats how it feels and I don’t want to see that! In all honesty i'm not sure I want to continue the friendship with either of them as silly as I may be being I am a very loyal person and if it was the other way round I would have behaved differently and would be unhappy to say the least if it was my oh joking around!

1st contact is today I feel sick about it, my dd has been ill overnight but I feel I have to let her go though I have emailed instructions for her return should her temp go above what the doctor said. Fell like falling apart will miss my babies even though its only for a few hours

I've been browsing threads for a while to see whether others have been in a similar position to me and your threads struck a chord. I'm unhappy and near breaking point because of a number of things in my marriage but I'm not sure whether I'm overanalysing or being over critical. My DH has always been terrible with money, he goes out drinking regularly every week - 3 or 4 nights - and coming home drunk. He never sticks to things he's said - ie. how long he'll be/what time he'll be back and doesn't always respond when I chase him up to find out where he is. He gets takeaways regularly despite us being in debt as he's fussy about food or at least what I cook. He doesn't help round the house - just dumps rubbish/dirty clothes everywhere despite me asking all the time for him not to do it. I am now a sahm but he was like this when I was working. He never cooks saying I won't like what he would cook, doesn't have much patience with the kids and gets very defensive / storms out the house when I get on the subject of money or his behaviour or the issues as I see them in our marriage. If we argue when he's had a drink he will get so angry that apart from slamming doors he's broken things before but he's never hit me or the children. I've lost count of the number of times I've said to him I can't go on like this and he's not acting like he wants a family or me but he says he does - blames a lot on how hard he's working and how stressed he is which now being the breadwinner of the family I appreciate a lot more pressure is on him. Does this sound normal and should I be accepting this - should add our youngest is only a few months old so I'm questioning whether it's just my state of mind that's making me feel this way.

Reading my post I can't see how I'm not being the reasonable one in the relationship - I haven't covered every little thing that's an issue as that would make it too long a post. Should add it's not every time I speak to him about things that he gets angry to the point of breaking things - that's usually only when he's had a drink.

wish im so sorry your in a similar situation I questioned myself and doubted myself a lot and honestly I still have moments I do fairly regularly, but I don’t remember which poster it was but 1 said even if I was being over sensitive it was ok to leave as I was unhappy had got to the point where the realtionship was not working and that was reason enough to leave if I wanted to. I honestly thought it was my problem my anxiety if it hadn't been for my ds becoming affected I may well still be in the realtionship.

I wont lie things are not easy at all I don't think they ever will be easy just I will have to learn to live with it. I'm sat counting down the minutes till dc come back and trying to fight the fear ex will try to keep them

Thank you for your reply notmakingsense, that does make sense. I couldn't just leave even if I wanted to - there's financial things to sort out and obviously I'd have to find a job. We're not really talking at the moment - I refuse to act as if everything's fine when he just doesn't explain or apologise anymore for ignoring me/not keeping to what he's said.

How did the contact go - are the children back with you now? It's interesting to see how your x is acting as he sounds quite similar - not much patience/aggression towards the children - so you wouldn't think he would want 50:50 custody.

sense how did it go yesterday? I'm hoping that DCs were returned to you hale and hearty. Of course there may be a bit of upset just at the situation itself so don't worry if DS takes a bit to settle back down.

As far as him & Facebook friend, well, men do tend to stick together in that stupid 'manly way' they have of ignoring each other's bad behaviour. Whereas it's more likely that a woman would call another woman out or cut contact if we feel a friend isn't living up to our friendship or behaving in a way we feel is wrong. I remember one of DH's friends (he was a real twat who was cheating on his wife, my best friend) telling me that DH would pick him over me if it ever came to it because it was "Bros before 'Hos''. Glad to say he was dead wrong!

I don't think it would hurt you at all to try and form new friendships, especially with other single mums. There are so many common issues and feelings. Maybe there's a local Mumsnet group near you?

wish what is going on in your home is NOT normal, nor is it acceptable. It's not unreasonable to expect your partner to live within your family budget, take part in household doings, and mostly, to treat you with respect. Unfortunately, it looks like a pattern has been established where his behaviour has become the 'norm' for him & why should he want to change it? He has it all his way now. You'll be swimming upstream against a hard current to try to change it now unless he wants to change.

If you are unhappy and you don't see anything changing, you need to leave. See a solicitor for legal advice as your partner will have to pay maintenance. I'm not in the UK, but I know there are benefits available as far as income and housing. Talk to your parents/siblings/family if you can and seek their support. Contact Women's Aid, just because he hasn't actually hit you does not mean that you are not living in an abusive relationship.

And do think of starting your own thread. There are countless women on MN (living in the UK) that will be in a good place to advise you.

across they came back dd ok but didn't even tell me why she was in different clothes that there was wet clothes in her changing bag or when she last had paracetamol and and didn't give me enough time to ask after greeting the dc. I had emailed him prior to pick up to say she wasn't too well got no acknowledgement asked had he got it got it a one word answer said she isn't too good and I thought she needed to sleep again not even so much as a grunt in my direction. Didnt come to door for ds just stood at car I think I actually despise him! Ds was asking did he need to go what if daddy shouts etc and was shouty and angry when he returned my poor baby

It came to a head with the so called "friends" yesterday. Her partner wasn't the sort of friend where they would see each other unless I had arranged to see my friend if that makes sense so it really cut me to the bone that knowing what id told them he carried on being matey with him. Im better off without people like that. Where would I find out about mn groups?

wish how are you?

If you look at the top of the page there is a tab that says 'find your local Mumsnet. Click it and you can drill down to your location (or nearby). It opens a 'local' page with links and an activities calendar and such. I've heard others suggest this to people who need support or a new or wider social circle.

Men just are weird (LOL) and MUCH worse gossips than women. I can't figure out why they do what they do in situations like yours, but it often seems as if they just ignore bad behavior and carry on as friends. You're probably well rid even if you were good friends with the wife. Chances are things you say and do would go from you to her and then from her to her husband and on to your ex. And vice versa and who needs or wants to know what HE's up to in his private life!

I'm glad things went (relatively) well. It's too bad he isn't willing to communicate about the children as far as what they do when they're with him. But hopefully DD didn't come to any harm, even though her clothes got wet. I do think DS is just too young to understand and so is unable to process the 'new normal'. He'll settle in with your help, and the support worker's.

I'm not too bad notmakingsense thank you, plodding on and mulling things over still. I applied for a job yesterday so will see whether I get anywhere with that. We still aren't talking properly - I did ask whether he realised I was upset and why and he knew I was and the reason. Still no apology and if you can call it an explanation he started saying he was just leaving the pub 20 minutes after the time he said he'd be home, got my text and was that annoyed by it he went back in and got another drink! Despite the lack of contrition he hasn't been to the pub since then (last Thursday) and has been making a little more effort than usual (asked if I wanted a coffee, played with dc and offered to get a takeaway last night!) I've still in my mind had enough and going through all possibilities of how to move on. I am still considering whether to lay it out on the line - which I have done before - and say get help for the drinking/anger otherwise that's it.

I'm glad to hear dc came back okay. He sounds petulant in his behaviour towards you but at least it doesn't seem that he's taking it out on your dc while he has them - what have they said about the time spent with him to you?

across you are right if I cant rely on them for unconditional support at a time like this then I will be better off without them. Ds is it seems ok with support worker just now but super clingy and shouty when he comes back and after contact im beginning to wonder if he is too scared to say anything in case it made ex angry as he didn't tell his dad that he gets upset going into school incase in ds words it makes him angry but support worker says he may just be playing me?!

wish as hard as it may be to hear I had periods of time where everything was great and happy but it always went back to normal given time unfortunately and im pretty sure he still to this day doesn't think its his fault and that im "unwell" ds hasn't said much but I get the impression he was also at grans and aunties etc not on his own with him.

Well, idk if DS is playing you since I'm not there to see him firsthand, but whether he's sincerely upset by the state of affairs or if he's 'playing you' he's still a little guy in need of support. He's not old enough to understand adult things, he only knows that his father and mother are not living together with him. With time, love, and patience, he'll figure things out in his own way, I'm sure.

Exactly across he needs support and im trying hard to give that and do the right thing no matter how hard that is for me. Thing is I dont feel played there are tears and pleading. I spoke to assistant ht who actually seems to understand said it is most likely separation anxiety as im ds comfort and his world. Poor ds id do anything to make it better for him.

It's just so hard when we can't make it better, isn't it? All we can do is love them and keep things as close to normal as possible. In time he will realize that you aren't going anywhere. And in time, he will realize that his father isn't going anywhere, either (hopefully), but that his contact with him will just be different than before. Also, as he grows he will be able to verbalize to his father that he doesn't like being shouted at for nothing.

across as far i can gather he hasn't shouted at him but hasn't been on his own with them either as yet. Im pretty sure ds will behave perfectly with him as he is too scared of a telling off not to. Its me that gets the backlash when he gets home i just want to hug it all away.

You get the backlash because he knows you are 'safe'. In a funny kind of way, it's a compliment. He feels the doesn't have to pretend with you because he knows you will accept his feelings and actions (while still providing structure and discipline when needed, of course).

It's all new to ds, too. And he's a child so doesn't have the ability to reason it all out. He'll get there, though. Love and support are all he needs and you are providing both.

across your right its just hard i guess. Ds was up and down again after access but i guess this is to be expected and means i am doing the right thing in gradually building it up.

Ok so why now 4 months almost on am i feeling wobbly almost like i miss him i feel sad when i think of him and am only glad we do not speak directly and/or that he hasn't tried to convince me to try again as my stupid mind keeps reminding me of happy times the start when he was affectionate. Give me a slap please!

He will have got a letter with child maintenance calculation which has no shared care reduction. Im a bit worried he will think im being deliberately difficult but they wouldn't take into account overnights that were not yet happening and id made the application for a calculation before he started paying me he still owes me money even at the shared care rate. God i hate the way my life is right now!! Xx

No, I won't slap you. But I'll remind you that what you are missing doesn't exist anymore. Actually it never really existed at all. Think of the ways you had to change who you really are and amend your behaviour daily to keep him from losing his temper. Think about the times you kept the children out of his way or swallowed words and feelings so he wouldn't get mad. THAT is who he really is, a person you had to tiptoe around. Sure, he was nice when no one irritated him, who wouldn't be? Do you REALLY want to go back to that? No, of course you don't.

Let your sol worry about his reaction to your requests. That's what you are paying them for.

DS will be fine. Things just need to get into a routine. It's still new to him.

Thanks across I've just gotten a reality check anyway. He is p*k his reaction to the calculation is to say that as he has been technically overpaying for 5 weeks (1st time he paid a penny in 3 months) he will be deducting it from future payments. As I'd had no explanation of what he was paying I'd taken it was half weekly amount and half paying back maintenance owed. Now he says as legally I cant make him he wont pay owed maintenance. Soo I'm thinking of reconsidering claiming financial disadvantage. I wont lie this will be directly due to e refusal to pay so I'm waiting till monday to contact my solicitors as then if i still want to it will be less of a knee jerk reaction. At the moment though it seems fair ie if he won't do the right thing and pay me the owed maintenance i can get it just a different way. Perhaps i need talking down as I've never hated anyone as much as I do him right now!!

Poor ds night before access and had me sleep with him on the sofas pushed together as he had a sore tummy felt sick and his heart was going too fast he isn't happy as when he asked i had to tell him i would be unable to take him anywhere this weekend.

Hmm speak to your solicitor. But I am inclined to say go for every penny you can. Too many women give up for an easy life, I see this in my line of work. Didn't he write through his solicitor saying he would be paying maintenance a few months ago? Does this stand any weight? Csa the next time he does not pay on time, least then he gets clobbered for an extra 20%.

Don't hide from friends/family that he avoids paying maintenance.

At work yesterday I heard a man say 'I don't pay any maintenance, but it's okay because she pays for them and I do see them occasionally'. He was happy to admit that to a relative stranger as a normal statement. I thought what a wanker. I see men like this all the time, it's really depressing!

Oh and when he says you are a bitch, after my money, blah blah blah. Remind yourself it is necessary because he is incapable of paying maintenance as per the calculator. And as legally you can get money for financial disadvantage it's daft not to do so as he only does things the legal way so he would take advantage of such legalities!

Poorly worded, it's too early!

Write a diary of everything the kids say about visits etc, keep texts and emails, what he says to you at contact etc. I have a feeling you may need this, there is more wankerness to come.

Thanks 43percentburn he can apparently reduce the payments as of when the csa got involved as he was overpaying isn't the system wonderful that's why I'm inclined to claim financial disadvantage as its the only way I see me getting the money he owes thedc! I mean ffs its his dc he is short changing absolute tosser.

I'm keeping a diary of ds behavior and forwarding all emails to my solicitor which is the only way I communicate with him.