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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Twat walked out again tonight

271 replies

dingdongdoodlebug · 10/05/2014 21:46

My goodness me I sometime hate myself for how much i am unable to break free from this fucker.

I spent around 2 hours in the kitchen tonight making his favourite 3 course meal.... when attempting to fire off the creme brulee i burnt them. I was upset cause the rest of the meal was just lovely.. so i said the f word a few times in front my MY 12 year old DS (not his). DS giggled. But fuckhead said it was inappropriate (this tosser is always swearing thought not the f word...). I said oh fuckityfuckwits i am really upset i burnt this.

So he then stuffed the said creme brulee down his greedy neck and walked out. He doesn't live with us [thank the lord] but what a rude ignorant twat he is

Sorry. I am bloody so annoyed and sick to death of his pathetic excuses for walking out. He is a 51 year old man ffs

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 19/05/2014 07:39

I know I need the professional help now but hopefully Thursday will set me on my way

Rask Grin at first I thought you were saying i should contact him to say that Shock - yes it could have been a lot lot worse so i refuse give myself a hard time as I already feel crap about it.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/05/2014 08:51

It wasn't that bad. :) You didn't ask him to go back and it's obvious you have things inside you'd like to let rip at him.

I love the ogre image.
Now do what he says and stay away from ogres. :)

cjelh · 19/05/2014 08:53

Glad you feel crap.!! It will make it easier to not do it again. You may have had enough thinking about it now so practice distractionSmile

Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 19/05/2014 16:59

Well had to have a discussion with a course leader today on DV and my situation. She has said that it would not look great in social work that I have not made statement - so I have now told the police I will do it. I wish I had done it ages ago but hohum.

I am scared about the fury and wrath that I can expect to receive from him now. No doubt as soon as he knows he will stop supporting me financially too.

Sometimes you have to do whats right. And I know he will hate me with every bone in his body which can only be a good thing to be honest cause it means he will never have anything to do with me again relationship wise. And that is what I need.

As my course leader said, it might stop him doing it to someone else too. But I doubt it.

OP posts:
EyeMyrrhSlapHer · 19/05/2014 18:24

I am so glad you have decided to make a statement. I have wanted to say something - particularly because of your studies but didn't know how to say it tactfully without sounding like i was kicking you when down. I do have to say though, although social workers aren't exempt from finding themselves in DV relationships (and sometimes our life experiences can make us particularly good in certain areas of SW) however, these experiences do need to be in our pasts and something we have emotionally 'dealt with' in order to help others. I hope you get the opportunity to do that.

Good luck
(Social worker who 'lives' with panic disorder)

Raskova · 19/05/2014 18:40

You're getting stronger with every post now Grin

Making a statement is a very scary thing to do. How soon will he know?

Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 19/05/2014 19:24

Glad you de-lurked Eye! Yep still 2 years off qualifying so if I am not moved on and learnt lesson by then I think i will have shot myself anyway.

It was really helpful having conversation today as made me realise the implications of my decisions and even more of a reason to never return. He has taken so much from and I won't let him take that too.

Rask - goodness knows when he will find out - they are investigating this and other things on him anyway as a result of one delightful evening. Trying not to think about that bit.

OP posts:
Raskova · 19/05/2014 19:49

I definitely wouldn't tell him. You don't want him knowing a) for finances b) safety.

Get extra locks on your doors just in case. I'm a worrier. My mind goes to these places. too much cheesy American tv so I'm sure it won't happen.

So impressed with your strength WineThanks

Lweji · 19/05/2014 20:06

At least having gone through this will hopefully give you a better insight at the struggles that abused women go through and may better position you to help them.

I second changing the locks, which would be a good idea anyway.

Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 19/05/2014 20:51

He has never had keys to my house, we never lived together so am not worried about that. I am not worried he will do something direct to me, cause he knows he would lose his job. Its more indirect, vindictive nasty something or other to cause me to break down... well thats what I imagine anyway. He has a couple of nasty friends though, one in particular kept trying to make me feel intimidated at the gym just by death stares and the like. It did un-nerve me, but I reported it to the police that were investigating at the time just said I felt it threatening and they got ex to stop him doing it.

oh who knows.

Yes, will definately give me insight. Always used to think why on earth don't those in DV relationships just LEAVE... now I know why.

OP posts:
Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 19/05/2014 21:26

I am being naughty Blush

OP posts:
cjelh · 19/05/2014 22:12

Why are you being naughty?

Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 20/05/2014 04:18

Looking at internet dating Blush. Yes I know its too soon and not joined up. Suppose just feeling vulnerable about statement and want someone to protect me... hence being awake at this awful hour of the night!

OP posts:
Raskova · 20/05/2014 05:27

This time of day sucks. I've been up since 4.30. I'll still probably be late to work.

How long were you seeing the ogre?

Lweji · 20/05/2014 06:38

Join a self-defence class, then. :)

It gave me a confidence boost and a few mates who can actually kick ass.

Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 20/05/2014 08:16

2 years. But lets call him shitscrape or one of hte other names... ogre is too nice for him!!

Friends who can kick ass sounds good - I might to that Grin

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 20/05/2014 08:23

I would be very dubious about the tale of why he left his ex wife as well. Take that as a warning, if you needed another one.

captainmummy · 20/05/2014 08:37

I'm glad you are making a statement, he deserves to be punished. As for him intimidating you, or making life difficult - that's what the police are for. Def self-defence classes. If nothing else it gets you out for an evening!

I'm not sure about the money, to be honest. It might look like he is buying you off if you take it. And if he stops, there is (I assume) no formal written agreement for you to enforce. Withholding financial support - you didn't live together, had no dc - why would he be offering finacnial support? I know it's nice to have, but it ties you to him subtly. You will 'owe' him, you will still have contact, you will have a vested interest in him keeping his job. (which he shouldn't)

He is obv not that into you - if you are the one who always needs to make the running, the effort in keeping him sweet. He will just sit back and let everyone do exactly that - he needs to make no effort at all in the relationship. And he doesn't want to either. All very fine while the relationship is going along smoothly, and he has a nice comfortable bed/nice food/clean house, but not worth the effort if it gets tough. Really, not that into you.

Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 20/05/2014 09:41

He is doing financial support for a limited time because I lost my job because of him. Yes I have felt the fact that he has offered to do it even though we are not together it money to shut me up. So if he stops once I make a statement then I will know it is that - in other words blackmail, and I will simply tell the police that he has done that. I have emails saying he will do it but no formal agreement. If I lose it, I lose it. Yes will make my life more difficult but I will deal with it. Better than feeling I am in his pocket.

Missing him madly today :( stupid girl

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 20/05/2014 09:56

I would be very dubious about the tale of why he left his ex wife as well

Yep - am guessing he knocked her about or was at the very least verbally abusive, she chucked him out, and he did the sour grapes thing and told everyone, including himself, that she was a lousy wife anyway.

About the money thing, I believe there is a massive difference in perception here. You're thinking he's a nice kind partner who helps with your living expenses because that's what partners do, because they care, and of course you'd do the same for him if your positions were reversed. Whilst he is more of the view that he's entitled to treat you like crap because he's bought you. He doesn't respect himself for doing so and even less does he respect you for accepting it.

He would appear to have a dreadfully distorted view of relationships and of himself which leads him to behave very badly - and here is the main point - you cannot fix this. You simply cannot love someone better when they are that set in their perceptions. By being the person who loves him you are actually in the weakest position to help, less than a random bloke down the pub even. As it is, a well qualified therapist probably couldn't fix him either by now, but you of all people can't. And this is totally not a reflection on you or your abilities. By having been his partner you are filed in a certain place in his mind that in a sense makes you, unwittingly and unwillingly, a part of the problem.When you help other people for a living you will of course care about your clients, but you will also be professionally detached. This is crucial.

Breaking addictions is never easy but is totally worthwhile. He's your heroin, your alcohol, and he's destroying your health. Run away, stay away, and let him get help or whatever he chooses for himself. You have to let this one go.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/05/2014 10:00

X-post for the reason for support - so just to assuage his conscience then. But only, as you say, as long as you comply. So yes, still buying you in a way. And still unfairly looking down on you because of it.

Not a very nice man.

Original poster
dingdongdoodlebug · 20/05/2014 10:14

I want to break the addiction but I am overwhelmed totally by it. I just want to speak to him and say look is this really, really it this time. Cause I don't think that it is. He knows he needs help. And we need help.

I am sitting here trying to study but all i can do is think where the hell I can regain his telephone number from. Brain ache :(

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 20/05/2014 10:19

No darling, he may or may not need help (I doubt he wants it), and you need help (and are sensibly going through the process of obtaining it), but "we" do not need help together. This isn't something a good couples counsellor can fix by helping you to communicate better. This is serious shit and somebody is going to get a lot more hurt if you don't break up for good. Argh... want to shake you by the shoulders, damn' non-interactive internet... leave that bottle phone alone!

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 20/05/2014 10:22

Please don't contact him again. He is abusive and manipulative among other things. Men like this know that silence is their most powerful weapon, it almost forces you to make contact with them and you end up begging again. It's like being brainwashed slowly

I am speaking as someone who stayed far too long in an abusive relationship, kept going back every time we broke up. Verbal abuse finally escalated into physical abuse and culminated in a 3 month hospital stay having my face reconstructed and for the bones to mend. I have an 8 inch scar from being stabbed and mental scars that will never heal.

Please, please stay away from him, it won't get better, it will keep getting worse.

wallaby73 · 20/05/2014 10:24

Get the book......he will not turn in a "better version" of himself, of all the times you have split in the past, he has NEVER done this, and each time he has learnt he can do less and less and you settle for crumbs when you think it's the real deal. You are worth so much more than this, seriously.......read natalie lue, it will stop that dreadful painful yearning, and you get to keep your self respect xx

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