Twat walked out again tonight

[dingdongdoodlebug]

My goodness me I sometime hate myself for how much i am unable to break free from this fucker.

I spent around 2 hours in the kitchen tonight making his favourite 3 course meal.... when attempting to fire off the creme brulee i burnt them. I was upset cause the rest of the meal was just lovely.. so i said the f word a few times in front my MY 12 year old DS (not his). DS giggled. But fuckhead said it was inappropriate (this tosser is always swearing thought not the f word...). I said oh fuckityfuckwits i am really upset i burnt this.

So he then stuffed the said creme brulee down his greedy neck and walked out. He doesn't live with us [thank the lord] but what a rude ignorant twat he is

Sorry. I am bloody so annoyed and sick to death of his pathetic excuses for walking out. He is a 51 year old man ffs

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

[dingdongdoodlebug]

Yep I wouldn't do anything really. Another good nights sleep but dreamt he came to my house to get me and i was really excited it was him and not somebody else. :(

Getting my car back and rid of his stuff later. Hoping to feel a bit of closure on that. I won't be seeing him when the changeover happens.

I know he is an abusive nasty piece of work but still can't just switch off on the loving him button.

[cjelh]

DINGDONG, I have just had tears in my eyes for your last sentence

Its coming up 3 years since I left mine and still have times (hormonal I think) when I cry at my aloneness even though it really was bad being with him. That loving him button is stubborn.!!!!!! I was so wrapped up in 'taking care of him' (from the age of 16 to 52) that its a hard habit to break...
When I don't have those small times life is really good

[dingdongdoodlebug]

Hey cj

Thats a long time to be with someone - wow! But glad to hear that your life is really good now

Thank you for your support on here. I find it very hard to let people know in RL exactly where I am at so the support on here means so much.

Wherever you are in the world today, have a lovely day with the knowledge you are helping someone stay abuse free!

[comingintomyown]

Whoever said you will look back on crime brûlée gate and shudder was right

It amazes me what I have tolerated from men in the past and for a good while made me feel awful about myself. Now though I have come to terms with it all , still don't understand why, but know I would never allow myself to be treated like that again

It takes time and determination to get over someone you loved in spite of everything but you can do it and come out the other side to happiness and quiet contentment

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Am glad you are in the process of getting rid of this abuser of an ingrate and cocklodger from your life.

Re this comment:-

"I know he is an abusive nasty piece of work but still can't just switch off on the loving him button".

Why is that, have you actually asked yourself why that is. Its likely from parents (as you have yourself previously written) Do you on some level have a rescuer and or saving people from themselves streak?.

I would also suggest that you now look at and enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme because you'd be ideal for it. Its for women who have been in abusive relationships.

[dingdongdoodlebug]

I cannot believe that 10 mins ago I was on the verge of phoning him.

I was going through old emails and deleting all the crap and noticed that all the big bust ups are this time of the month... when I have pmt... he has always blamed it on pmt. Thought I would phone and say I will get help with that if he gets anger management help. But I know his second wife made him get anger management and it obviously didn't work. I was really close. But then I saw some sense. But do somewhat feel we have too much to throw away. When he is not being a c@@t he is the best. Funny, kind and caring. oh bugger.

I also noticed that on my emails I tended to sort things out a week after bust up ie. once pmt stopped. So i know my weak point will be by the weekend. i still don't want to go back but not feeling right.

Going to bury head in my studies for a bit. need space away from my head!

[TheWanderingUterus]

There is an argument that PMT is when women are legitimately allowed to get angry according to society.

Women are taught to be nice, be polite, smooth things over, be helpful from a very early age. An angry woman is criticised for not being in control, nagging, fishwife etc.

But PMT is a legitimate 'excuse' for female anger, there is a societal safety valve built in for the release of pent up emotions.

I would say that the rest of the month you swallow all the crap he gives you, but when you have PMT you allow yourself to vent it all out again.

Don't use it as an excuse to reconsider your behaviour to this utter cunting arsehole of a man. He is a festering rectum and you can do so much better.q

[cjelh]

Distraction is brilliant!! My tears today are hormonal I know they are, but what I'd say about that is at that time of the month you don't necessarily turn into a monster, you can be just less able to cope with the crap that you cope with at other times of the month.

Your kind post made me tearful again- blinking hormones

[NorthEasterlyGale]

Well done for not phoning; you can treat PMT but there's no cure for being a c@@t

Enjoy your studies and have a good day

[dingdongdoodlebug]

Well success at studies and no contact. woop wooop

Wandering and cj I had never thought of it that way - that teh rest of the time I deal with it and pmt all my anger over everything comes out - this feels like a euruka moment (however you spell it)

And the names that people have come up with on here are just the laughing therapy I need 'utter cunting arsehole of a man' and 'festering rectum' - literally made me cry with laughter.

Bit later am going to go through this thread and write up a list of the names so i can giggle at them. i would love to email them to him but i won't.

north - i think i should print out your ditty 'you can treat PMT but there's no cure for being a c@@t ' and put it on display somewhere cause its so bloody true. Best make sure its not where DS can see it though... inside of wardrobe i think

going to make myself a nice coffee for workign hard. thanks so much people for making me laugh

feeling keep smiling cj

[Bitofkipper]

Aren't Mumsnetters a clever bunch.

[TheWanderingUterus]

There are men out there with more favourable cunt to loveliness percentages.

Your ex (who should stay that way) sounds like 80%cunt.

You should be looking in the 20% cunt and lower section of the man supermarket.

Even Hitler wasn't a cunt all the time, so don't get hung up on the 'he was lovely and funny sometimes'. When you think like that , think 20% lovely, 80% cunt and move along.

Glad to hear you are smiling. Best medicine for everything. Second best medicine is loud rock music turned up as loud as you can and then crazy dancing, but maybe that's just me!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Another one cheering you on to keep strong.

Don't forget to contact Womens Aid and enrole on the Freedom Programme.

Keep going and keep posting when weakness sets in.

[dingdongdoodlebug]

Will remind myself to check out cuntiness percentages before getting involved next time

He collected his stuff. I heard him out by the garage making noise.. think he thought I would come out. I didn't. But I did have kitchen window open a crack so he could smell mine and DSs lovely dinner cooking. He would have been starving, he can't cook hehehe!

Its going well cause I just keep remembering more and more stuff and think why the fuck have i put up with this for so long.

Day 3 - sorted

[dingdongdoodlebug]

Feeling a little weak today :( Have come on here to read some of the posts and to keep myself away from the phone.

I think its cause i am tired, woke at 4am for some unknown reason. And probably because it is lovely weather and we would normally have a glass of wine in the garden or walk to the beach.

Anyway, not drinking wine for a while now. And tonight need to help DS with revision and get things sorted for tomorrow.

Its good though cause normally I feel utterly sick. I remember last time after about 6 days I was doubled up over the worktop in the kitchen I felt so sick. That was only about 2 months ago. At least I haven't got those feelings for now and it is day 4 done.

Maybe that Paul McKEnna CD and book is working

sigh

[dingdongdoodlebug]

All your fabulous names for him:

GREEDY FUCKER
FUCKWIT
SANCTIMONIOUS HYPOCRITICAL GREEDY TWAT
TERRIBLE EXAMPLE OF MANHOOD
INGRATE
COCKLODGER
SHITSCRAPE
UGLY ABUSIVE FACE
CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH
CUNTING ARSEHOLD OF A MAN
FESTERING RECTUM

and they are all so true!!

[Raskova]

I think festering rectum is my favourite. You're being unbelievably strong. Well done

[TheWanderingUterus]

It's ok to feel weak.

You really are doing so well, don't let bollockface back into your life.

[dingdongdoodlebug]

Thanks both

And thats a good image.. when I think of him I will now make myself think of a big hairy sweaty oversized bollock over his face... bleugh!

[cjelh]

Yes that description turned my stomach- probably because I know one

Hope this evening went well DINGDONG? You are doing brilliant so don't get down for being down!!!

[dingdongdoodlebug]

Hey cj I'm amazingly really good this morning. Lovely sunny day always helps. How are you?

This morning I was thinking, I'm on day 5 and the depression that I had when with him has lifted......................... yep I feel better today than I did this time last week when I was with him (and he was behaving himself at this time last week!)

This is the first time its gone this way, that i feel better..... its gotta be a good, good, good sign...

to all

[cjelh]

Yes that really is a good sign. The pressure sounds like its been lifted. Glad you got all your stuff back. Did he try to contact you again?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Really pleased to hear you are feeling better.
You will have down days though. That's only to be expected.
But keep posting when you are feeling great and also when not so great to get the support you need.
Keep going and keep happy.
Things can only get better from here on in.
You are doing so well and setting a great example for your DC!

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

How brave you are.

There will be up days, down days... but one thing that there is no doubt at all about is that your actions in getting rid of him are GOOD. POSITIVE. Even if you were as low as can be, in no situation could there ever be a solution involving him which would genuinely make things better.

So one of the reasons why you are feeling lighter and happier will be that, in your innermost heart, you know you are now on the right track. That niggling badness which came from knowing deep down that you were making bad choices, on a destructive path, and possibly undermining your DS's development - it's gone now. It's put right.

So pleased for you.

[dingdongdoodlebug]

No he hasn't contacted me. I don't expect him to in any way, shape or form. He has never, ever once made things right between us and we must have split 20 or so times over the last couple of years. It has always been me. No doubt he is just waiting for my weakness.... or he is out looking for his next victim, who knows. The longest I went before was almost 2 weeks and that was a year ago.

Beautiful post bruno and you are spot on

Sod studying today, the garden beckons