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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Row turned violent - very confused

103 replies

inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 02:46

I have name changed. Probably not much traffic now but my DH got home from an event and we had a row. The upshot is I threw a glass of water at him and he punched me in the face. There's more to it of course but I've subsequently had a panic attack and am not really thinking straight. I can't sleep, and just hoping for some thoughts on what I do next. I don't really know what to think at the moment. Just fighting an urge to run out of the house and drive somewhere, anywhere away from this house.

OP posts:
Salazar · 10/05/2014 02:51

Do you have anyone to stay with? I'd be ringing the police.

If you suffer this in silence you are okay-ing his behaviour when he needs punishment.

Thinking of you Thanks

upwaytoolate · 10/05/2014 02:57

hi. sorry you are in this place. i am about to go to bed, but didn't want to read and go. if you fear more violence tonight then please go if you can and if children are safe (not sure if you have children). if you can safely stay then I would suggest you make yourself comfortable and try to get a bit of sleep which will help you face tomorrow xx

Original poster
inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 02:57

Thanks. I did think about going but nearest person I can stay with is a good two hours drive and I didn't think it was safe for me to do it in this state. I had the phone to call the police then chickened out when I thought about the consequences. It was just paralysing and now I'm worried it will all end up being brushed over. One of the reasons I posted, I guess. To make a record.

OP posts:
Original poster
inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 02:59

Thanks I appreciate it. Wasn't expecting responses really this late. No kids yet thank god.

OP posts:
BelleOfTheBorstal · 10/05/2014 03:00

Any children in the picture?
If not, I would be out of there, off to mum/sister/brother/friend.
If there are children, any chance you could phone womens aid now?

BelleOfTheBorstal · 10/05/2014 03:03

Then leave. A two hour drive is preferable to staying in a house with someone who would punch you.

upwaytoolate · 10/05/2014 03:09

ok. keep the phone with you. snuggle down safely if you can. if you think you will be ok until tomorrow then 2 hours is a long drive if you are tired and upset. tomorrow will come soon enough and you can think through what you might need to do/change.

if you are not confident that you are physically safe then that is a different matter. if this is the case then please leave, assuming you are ok to drive.

take care xxx

plotmissinginaction · 10/05/2014 03:09

I agree, please do leave and get somewhere safe.

Original poster
inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 03:19

I feel safe enough to stay until the morning. He's sleeping like a baby seemingly uncovered by the while thing. Will try to get some sleep so I can drive tomorrow. I only do short journeys usually so it's quite a trip for me. Thanks all. It's helped just being heard.

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 10/05/2014 03:27

Tomorrow he will probably be repentant and cry. Please, please don't listen. You may want to think this is a once off, but when you forgive them the first time, there is always a second time and a third time, I speak from experience.

AdoraBell · 10/05/2014 03:38

Mexican is right. If he gets away with it this time he has permission to do it again.

You do need to make a record of it, but doing it on here won't help, it needs to be done officially. In the meantime stay safe, try to get some rest and be kind to yourself.

Lweji · 10/05/2014 06:01

I hope you are leaving in the morning.
Neither of you did well this evening, and you can't let the relationship continue or it will get much much worse.

I hope you are ok after the punch, as well. Did you lose consciousness? Are you bruised?
Get seen by a doctor, preferably at A&E. It will be recorded if you need it for a divorce or a police report.

Also ring 101, but preferably the local DV unit, if you are not in immediate danger. They will advise you and record it.

Finally, do contact Women's Aid. Check their website and resources. They can give lots of advice, including local solicitors and how to stay safe.

If it gets worse, you can get a free emergency injunction application through NCDV.

Finally, unless you threw the actual glass right to his face, he overreacted massively in punching you, so it can't be considered self-defence.
If you did throw the glass (not just water) at his face, then you do have to take stock and work on yourself, but don't stay because of your role in this. It is and unhealthy relationship if violence enters it, and you should leave it, regardless of who was violent.

Fingers crossed for you. Don't let him bully you nor sweet talk you into getting past this.

Lweji · 10/05/2014 06:04

As for the consequences, it's not likely he'll go to jail or anything. It's more likely he'll get a caution, or, if it ever gets to court, a suspended sentence or community work.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/05/2014 07:33

Support everything Lweji says and would urge you to act quickly. Straight afterwards you said you felt safe enough to stay until morning. This morning the danger is that you'll feel safe enough to stay the weekend. He'll be also be working on you telling you it was nothing - a one-off etc. If you don't act straight away and get yourself out then you'll miss the opportunity.

Sorry that you have been assaulted. Zero tolerance

meandcoffeeequalhappy · 10/05/2014 07:33

If he punched you in the face, you need to call the police to report it, and ask him to leave. How awful.

RandomMess · 10/05/2014 07:39

I am NOT conding violence between partners at all, you threw a glass of water over him and he reacted - perhaps if he'd screamed back at you, or similar you could understand it. However punching you in the face - OMG that just shows how out of control he is and how ok he thinks violence is.

Please, please leave - what if next time it's not one punch but several until you are on the floor. What if he grabs you by the throat and strangles you. These things do happen.

magoria · 10/05/2014 10:56

Did you throw the glass or just the contents?

Branleuse · 10/05/2014 11:12

you were violent first.

knowledgeispower · 10/05/2014 11:15

What has happened this morning OP? I hope you managed to get the rest you needed and got away...

qwertybirdie · 10/05/2014 11:18

Well done there Branleuse. Constructive.

OP, irrespective of who did what and when, you should not stay together. Throwing water is not good, but neither is it as dangerous and harmful as a punch in the face. You are not bringing out the best in each other. If you stay with him, after he cries and tells you that you pushed him to it, it will escalate.
I hope you are ok this morning? Do not hide what has happened, and if you can't face reporting it, take photographs of your injuries for evidence. Please do leave before it gets worse.

turgiday · 10/05/2014 11:24

Bran, punching someone in the face who has thrown water at you, is a massive over reaction. A punch in the face can do real serious permanent injury. Getting water thrown over you is horrible, but no more.

magoria · 10/05/2014 11:28

Punching someone in the face is wrong.

Everyone is assuming it is just the water. If OP threw the glass at him that is a whole lot different to just the water and I would respond maybe with such an action too.

dramajustfollowsme · 10/05/2014 11:30

I hope you have left this morning. Yes, you both did something you shouldn't but he crossed a line that should never, ever have been crossed.
You relationship cannot continue to be volatile as it will just get worse. Please get out and get help.

cantbelievethisishppening · 10/05/2014 11:30

You shouldn't have thrown water at him, he shouldn't have punched you. There is no coming back from that. Time to go your separate ways.

BillyBanter · 10/05/2014 11:32

I'm not going to get into who is most at fault on the basis of this tiny snapshot of your relationship. both actions are unacceptable. If your relationship is at the point where you are throwing water and punches then you need to be apart, at least for now, and probably permanently. What he wants to do about his behaviour once you are apart is up to him. I'd suggest you do whatever it is you need to do to prevent this happening again with him or anyone else.