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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Row turned violent - very confused

103 replies

inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 02:46

I have name changed. Probably not much traffic now but my DH got home from an event and we had a row. The upshot is I threw a glass of water at him and he punched me in the face. There's more to it of course but I've subsequently had a panic attack and am not really thinking straight. I can't sleep, and just hoping for some thoughts on what I do next. I don't really know what to think at the moment. Just fighting an urge to run out of the house and drive somewhere, anywhere away from this house.

OP posts:

Report

CoffeeTea103 · 10/05/2014 16:34

In hindsight yes a punch is worse than a water thrown in your face. If your immediate reaction is to defend yourself then a punch would be defending yourself especially if he didn't even expect the water coming at him. Op you both are equally wrong.

teaandthorazine · 10/05/2014 16:41

He'd already 'defended himself' by grabbing her arm and making her chuck the water over herself.

The punch was, therefore, just for good measure.

Am really gobsmacked by the posters who are trying to make out that a punch in the face - a punch in the face fgs! is okay because, you know, otherwise he was going to get his shirt wet.

Fuck's sake.

turgiday · 10/05/2014 16:42

No coffee, this is not an equally wrong situation. If someone responds to a bit of water thrown, with punching someone in the face, they need to look at their anger control.

teaandthorazine · 10/05/2014 16:43

Sorry, no pun intended btw

slithytove · 10/05/2014 16:48

I'm not being facetious because it's a serious thread, but look at all of the occasions Sharon Osbourne chucked water over Louis Walsh. It's also used in fun in other contexts. Punching someone is never fun.

No, the water chucking wasn't right.

But punching? Run, run away.

You don't have children, it's a blessing. You won't be tied to this man for the rest of your life or run the risk of them being hit.

I hope you have left already, but if not, please do so. Don't engage with him, don't accept apologies, and report him as soon as possible.

Are you marked or injured?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/05/2014 16:49

@CoffeeTea103 that's utter rubbish. They are not equally wrong. Preventing someone from throwing water at you by grabbing their arm is 'reasonable and proportionate'. Hitting them in the face when there is no physical threat is thoroughly unreasonable and disproportionate.

ItIsAnIdeasGame · 10/05/2014 17:01

He didn't punch you in the face to retaliate. He had already poured the water over you. He punched you in the face to shut you up and scare you and shoe you 'who is the boss'. Leave.

Hissy · 10/05/2014 17:11

Please make arrangements to leave him. TODAY.

You owe him nothing, you can walk away. Don't tell him you are going, just go.

Is your face OK, are you bruised? can you get to a doctor to get it looked at? (photographed and recorded too if you can)

You said you don't do long trips? whiy is that? lack of confidence? did he do that to you too?

we are here, we can help, please let us?

inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 17:18

Yes there's a bruise Hissy and it's sore. Will get it looked at Monday. I understand why it might read like that about trips but it's not confidence, just I only have cause to drive 10-15 mind on a regular basis so find longer journeys a bit tiring and need my wits about me.

His position is basically that of some posters. I escalated it, it was a natural reaction.

OP posts:

teaandthorazine · 10/05/2014 17:21

So he's not even sorry, then?

Backinthering · 10/05/2014 17:22

Please OP don't listen to the disgraceful, shameful violence apologists on here OP. You poor thing, how awful to be seriously assualted like that. Please leave him.

43percentburnt · 10/05/2014 17:23

Bollocks is it a natural reaction. It is not a natural reaction for a normal man, it is a normal reaction for an unreasonable or violent man.

Is there anything else he has done? A punch in the face as the first hint of a violent nature makes me wonder if he was ever violent to an expartner.

43percentburnt · 10/05/2014 17:23

Bollocks is it a natural reaction. It is not a natural reaction for a normal man, it is a normal reaction for an unreasonable or violent man.

Is there anything else he has done? A punch in the face as the first hint of a violent nature makes me wonder if he was ever violent to an expartner.

inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 17:25

Not particularly. Kind of "sorry, but you started it". He was drunk so I should have let him get on with it sort of thing.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 10/05/2014 17:25

This is really NOT a natural reaction.. He had already stopped you pouring water on him. He punched you to teach you a lesson.

If you won't go to the police, at least take pictures of your bruise so you have proof and he can't minimise it later.

He's an utter bastard and not even sorry. He's trying to justify what he did by blaming you. Get away from him. He's dangerous.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 10/05/2014 17:26

If you accept that excuse, then that is what your future looks like every time he thinks you've 'escalated'. Please leave. He thinks what he did was ok. That is all the info you need.

cjelh · 10/05/2014 17:26

I think that there is no justification for being punched in the face. I amnot a violence apologist. I would say that the row was so heated that they were both out of control and should not be together. Water today a hot drink tomorrow, a knife when cooking How wrong it all is.

Backinthering. I understand that OP should also be told her action was not acceptable.

Backinthering · 10/05/2014 17:27

Also, to the 'you provoked him' apologists, why aren't you asking what he did to provoke the water throwing? Am guessing his behaviour wasn't great before that, I doubt OP just did it randomly.

Whocansay · 10/05/2014 17:27

Oh well, that's alright then [hmmn].

He was so drunk so he thought it was a good idea to punch you in the face? Why is him being drunk any kind of excuse for this?

Whocansay · 10/05/2014 17:27

I meant !

Backinthering · 10/05/2014 17:29

cjelh bollocks. I threw a drink over an ex once. I would never in a million years have thrown hot water or used a knife. Please please stop victim blaming here.

Backinthering · 10/05/2014 17:31

cjelh she's not claiming it was so why labour that point when she's sore and bruises from a blow to the face? Inappropriate response.

MadameLeBean · 10/05/2014 17:31

What cogito said. He already grabbed her arm after she tried to chuck water over him. It should have stopped there.
Someone that then decides to punch you in the face as well, is dangerously out of control and has no internal "limits". Leave leave leave. He has crossed a line.

tribpot · 10/05/2014 17:32

This is the start of it, OP. What you do now tells him how much he can get away with in the future. How long have you been together?

You can bet your arse that if he'd thrown water at you, and you'd punched him hard in the face, no way would he be saying 'well, fair dos, you were drunk so shit happens'.

Please get away, even if you only go to a Travelodge for a couple of nights to think things over.

MadameLeBean · 10/05/2014 17:34

Ideally in a respectful and healthy relationship no one would be chucking water over anyone, or grabbing arms etc.

However punching someone in the face is a violent assault and is incomparable with either of the above actions and not a justifiable response to the escalation of an argument. The OP is in no way responsible for his reaction.

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