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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Row turned violent - very confused

103 replies

inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 02:46

I have name changed. Probably not much traffic now but my DH got home from an event and we had a row. The upshot is I threw a glass of water at him and he punched me in the face. There's more to it of course but I've subsequently had a panic attack and am not really thinking straight. I can't sleep, and just hoping for some thoughts on what I do next. I don't really know what to think at the moment. Just fighting an urge to run out of the house and drive somewhere, anywhere away from this house.

OP posts:

turgiday · 10/05/2014 11:36

Magoria - I am shocked you would respond with a punch to the face. i would shout and walk away, and if I was scared or injured, call the police.

Rebecca2014 · 10/05/2014 11:38

Throwing water at someone is no where near the same level of violence as punching someone in the face!

I wouldn't be surprised if there has been other levels of aggression/violence in this relationship before?

magoria · 10/05/2014 12:02

You can be as shocked as you like.

I am saying that depending on the circumstances I may well lash out. Sometimes it is a purely instinctive reaction.

I didn't say it was right.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/05/2014 12:21

'Lashing out' violently has serious consequences, no matter what the provocation.

BuzzardBird · 10/05/2014 12:28

If it was just the water then yes, it is assault but doesn't warrant a punch in the face really does it? Obviously if he had the glass launched at him his reaction may have been heightened. Wrong on both sides and better off apart.

magoria · 10/05/2014 12:40

Thank you for understanding Buzzard.

Neither deserve a punch in the face. As I have said that is plain wrong.

I think part of it is because I would throw a glass of water over someone if it was the water and at someone if it was the glass.

For what it is worth I am a 45 year old woman who hasn't had a 'fight' with anyone apart from my sister when I was about 14.

dramajustfollowsme · 10/05/2014 12:45

A friend threw a pint of beer, complete with glass, over dh many moons ago.
She had misheard him in a club, was drunk and just did that. Totally unprovoked.
My dh's reaction was to say "what the fuck?!?" and step away from her.

teaandthorazine · 10/05/2014 13:03

I would suggest it's blindingly obvious that the OP threw the water from a glass at him. Not a good thing to do by any means, but a punch in the face is a completely disproportionate reaction.

In any case, violence begets violence and this will only get worse. The relationship is over. I hope you are safe today and that you get out.

BillyBanter · 10/05/2014 13:07

Except that it isn't blindingly obvious.

her exact words - The upshot is I threw a glass of water at him

This could be either. If she'd said 'over him' I'd be more inclined to agree but this could be either the water or the water and the glass.

BuzzardBird · 10/05/2014 14:08

I re-read it too Billy and decided if I have thrown water at someone I would say "I threw water at him" not "a glass of water at him". If someone threw an object at me the natural reaction would be 'fight or flight'...probably flight in my case, though I did have to fight once but it was life or death situation.

turgiday · 10/05/2014 14:26

I would say I threw a glass of water at him, when I meant just water. I suspect it depends where in the country you live, would affect how you would say this.

And if my DP did this, I would shout and move away. I would certainly not punch them in the face, even if they threw the glass as well.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 14:27

I can't believe people here are nitpicking over inneed's exact use of words while tired, sore and upset.

A punch full in the face is not 'reasonable force' to defend yourself against a glass of water. Adults are expected to be able to control their urges to violently assault people when they're pissed off. An adult who fails to do this is both dangerous and guilty of assault.

However seriously you personally take this, Inneed, I do think you should report it or he'll carry on feeling it's okay to lose control of his violent urges.

Ewieindwie1 · 10/05/2014 14:34

OP, you ok?

BillyBanter · 10/05/2014 14:40

The same is true of throwing water in the face during verbal arguments, garlic. Adults are expect to be able to control their urges to do that too.

As I said in my first post, we only have a tiny snapshot of their relationship.

BillyBanter · 10/05/2014 14:41

not 'in the face', 'at him'.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 14:51

I've not seen anyone say it's a great idea to throw anything at one's partner, Billy.

What I and others are saying is that a punch is not reasonable defence.

Branleuse · 10/05/2014 15:21

if someone unexpectedly threw a glass of water at me, its not inconceivable that id hit them in absolute fury.
it may be disproportionate, but if you start a fight, theres every chance youll come off worse.
you should probably split, i agree with everyone on that, or at least take a proper break and take this very seriously, but i really dont think the one who started it needs to act like a victim, unless theres somw big backstory to this.

teaandthorazine · 10/05/2014 15:30

Well until the OP comes back and clarifies it's all just arguing in circles, so...

I think we can pretty much all agree that it's not a healthy relationship to stay in. No kids, cut your losses imo.

Twinklestein · 10/05/2014 15:45

If someone threw a glass of water on me it would never cross my mind to hit them. Your reaction, Branleuse, says far more about you than what is actually a proportionate response in the circumstances.

Throwing water is one thing, throwing a punch is quite another.

Provocation is no defence for dv.

Original poster

inneedofagoodtalkingto · 10/05/2014 15:52

I've had a quick scan and will read through properly in a bit. I'm ok, have been sleeping and getting myself together. It was water, not the glass, and none went on him because he grabbed the army was holding it in to stop me tipping it on him and it actually went over me. I'm certainly not trying to justify that. It was unacceptable behaviour. I was shocked to get thumped for it though.

OP posts:

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 15:55

Branleuse, the 17th century defence of provocation was abandoned in 2009 (I think) since it allowed too many people to get away with disproportionate violence, especially in domestic situations. It's been replaced by "fear of serious violence" whcich would definitely not be met by an irritated person throwing water.

Perhaps your impulse control needs looking at?

tribpot · 10/05/2014 16:06

You should seek medical help today, OP. And disclose what has happened to a good friend.

A line has been crossed and you can't go back. Whether you decide to continue the relationship or not, he has assaulted you. (Not condoning your behaviour but it was not in the same league).

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/05/2014 16:21

"Throwing water is one thing, throwing a punch is quite another."

Neither is acceptable. Both are forms of violence.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 10/05/2014 16:27

Oh, fgs, nobody's said throwing anything is acceptable! How about a bit of support for OP, who has been punched in the face after soaking herself with water?

If any posters here really can't see the difference between trying to throw a glass of water at someone and punching them, I'd suggest they need to get their own values straightened out.

MexicanSpringtime · 10/05/2014 16:28

I hope you have left now, OP.

And have a good tomorrow

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