Row turned violent - very confused

[inneedofagoodtalkingto]

I have name changed. Probably not much traffic now but my DH got home from an event and we had a row. The upshot is I threw a glass of water at him and he punched me in the face. There's more to it of course but I've subsequently had a panic attack and am not really thinking straight. I can't sleep, and just hoping for some thoughts on what I do next. I don't really know what to think at the moment. Just fighting an urge to run out of the house and drive somewhere, anywhere away from this house.

No need to be confused; his behaviour was disproportionate and scary.

He hurt you.

Will he hurt you again? Yes, probably.

Please start to plan leaving this relationship.

The next time he is drunk, you will be scared. No one should live like that.

Please believe that you do deserve better than this.

It is not uncommon for abused women to hit out at their abusers. The nastiness gets to you. Your partner does not suddenly hit you in the face after being sweetness and light for the rest of your relationship. It just doesn't happen. This is the latest step in an abusive pattern.

The throwing of the water is a sure sign that you cannot control the abuse you are receiving inneed. He certainly punished you for that little act of retaliation didn't he . Please think about ringing Women's Aid. You need RL validation of your feelings and also some help extricating yourself from your relationship when you feel ready.

Best of luck and I hope that this thread doesn't become all about your actions when it should be about his x

We've been together nine years. He has thrown stuff around the odd time in a temper but not touched me before. I think that's partly why I'm struggling to process it.

Jesus Op, are you going to phone the police? He sounds dangerous. I hope you can leave safely? He is really thinking his behaviour is ok, it will definitely get worse. When I said earlier I had to fight for my life it was because I didn't get out soon enough after 'low level' abuse which was always an 'accident' and my fault. It escalates really quickly if someone drinks. You will never feel safe with him.
You said in your first post that you threw a glass of water over him but you didn't really did you? You almost did, but you didn't.

Is this the first time, honestly?

Sadly, throwing stuff is often a precursor to throwing punches (and then to throwing you.) Same with punching walls & doors. The message is "look what I can do to YOU if you don't behave."

People who refuse to control their own violence can't be trusted to be safe.

Out of interest, is it usually your stuff he throws or breaks?

The fact that he is not utterly appalled with himself for hurting someone he supposedly loves makes it clear to me that you need out asap.

YY, Billy :(

So he's got anger issues, erm his behaviour is getting worse.

So the water didn't touch him, he punched you because you TRIED to tip some water over him. He had hold of your arm and then punched you in the face whilst you were defenceless.

OMG phone the police. If he cannot see how out of order he was then just how much further will he take it next time he thinks he is justified!!

As I said upthread I could understand a reaction and lashing out if he'd had water chucked over him but a punch in the fact is completely extreme and completely unacceptable, you didn't even get the water on him!!!

What happens when you have kids and he punches them? Because they started it?

Those who thinks that the op deserved it because she threw water (which actually ended up on her), explain to me how exactly?

OP you've been with him for 9 years so I reckon that the idea of walking away is incredibly scary.

Why not talk to a friend and see how they react? Don't apologise don't blame yourself just lay out the facts.

If a police officer had approached him while drunk and not "let him get on with it" would he think he is perfectly justified in punching said officer?

Obviously a police officer wouldn't have tried to throw water, for those who think the OP started this, but let's just suppose that a police officer did pull him up on whatever behaviour he exhibits while drunk.

Would he have punched a copper, male or female, in the face?

BACKINTHERING. What don't you choose to listen about the part of the post where I said I am not victim blaming?

Just pointing out that none of the behaviour was acceptable and I don't think that rating which is worse is helpful.
You last couple of posts to me were nasty and just because you were wrong and have also thrown water doesn't make you right that OP won't escalate her behaviour.

I have only suggested she leave for both there sakes- she was wrong first - his response was horrendous and I repeat that I have in no way blamed her.

Get off my case. You know nothing about my situation and are reading things into my post that weren't there.

You need to leave OP, especially if he's not even sorry. And whoever said that throwing water at someone means 'you started the violence' can fuck themselves with a rusty spike.

Thanks for your posts. It's really helpful in resisting the urge to brush it under the carpet. It is frightening to think about leaving for good but I realise I do need to work towards that as I do not find it acceptable. I've told him before about the throwing stuff and it still happens so why would this be any different?

I've told him before about the throwing stuff and it still happens

Exactly. You set a boundary, he moves the boundary. You haven't (yet) given him a reason to take you seriously.

This is a hundred miles away from where you are, so am not trying to draw a direct comparison, but this TED talk on domestic violence is well worth watching.

Has anyone seen Vicar on the boards today?
She usually gives excellent advice on these kind of issues.

Yes, it will happen again, sadly. Particularly because he was not horrified at his reaction.
Even if he had...

You do need to go asap.

It may not happen for a long while because you will be afraid of confronting him and think you are in control.
You are not. You cannot control this.

All you can do is leave.

And I hope you find it in yourself to report it to the police.
He is dangerous for you.
Be careful when leaving, btw.

Oh please don't stay with him. I am totally against violence towards men, but the only man that ever made me want to hit him was my violent Ex. So I agree with scallopsrgreat, I felt from the start that your reaction, though wrong, was like I would feel with my ExP, but no matter if you had hit him yourself and first, that would still not be a justification for him punching you. Men are intrinsically physically stronger than women, that is why it is taboo.

Yes he massively overreacted and went for uncontrolled violence because you dared to try to throw water on him.

Will you spend your future making sure you don't make him angry and violent?

No one hits someone in the face. Men fight in pubs etc I suppose but this wasn't a squaring up fight , this wasnt self defence, this was hurting you and he is bigger and stronger and was holding your arm.

I'm totally disgusted nd think you should leave now and permanently. He has completely crossed any acceptable boundary.

Morning inneed, punching things, throwing things etc is also not normal relationship behaviour.

You may now find he tells you that you are the aggressive one, as you threw the water. Listen out for this. You may also find that he says him being angry is your fault, or even that he gets like this because he loves you. Listen out for this. The ladies on relationships can list many things these 'men' say, they are terribly predictable!

In my experience throwing leads to punching/kicking and eventually to being strangled. I worry about my exes girlfriend, will he immediately escalate to strangulation if they fall out? I've put a note on the police file in their county. I spoke to him last year and he was still full of alcohol, anger and nastiness - horrid to say but I am so glad he is with someone else as it keeps him well away from me.

People may use words like volatile, heated, passionate or tell you it's just because he's frustrated, loves you so much. It is all bollocks, not good for your health/sanity or stress levels. Weekends should be pleasant and relationships should not be roller coaster rides. It is hard to see when you are in the thick of it.

I finally dumped a partner like this, I can honestly say it's one of the best things I ever did. A year and a half later I met a wonderful man whom I have married. In 7 years we have never thrown stuff, hit, restrained or argued when drunk. We have a laugh, respect one another and I LOVE coming home from work. Yes we have disagreements but I am happy 99.99999999999% of the time.

Sorry about the essay, I just wish mums net was there when I was 18 years of age. These lovely ladies could have helped me so very very much. It's hard to believe the one you love is an arsehole.

Staying with a nasty man is robbing you of potential happiness.

I've put a note on the police file in their county.

Well done you, 43! As awareness grows, the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Clare's Law) should save quite a few women from the worst of partners.

OP, it's so easy to brush this kind of stuff under the carpet, especially when you've done something wrong. Ashamed and hurt and shocked, it's better to ignore the whole thing... Except of course it's not . the dynamic of the relationship has just changed forever, he hurt you, and has shown he thinks it's just fine to hurt you if he feels like it.

What was happening when you tried to throw the water by the way?

I did some things I'm ashamed of whilst in an abusive relationship. My mistake was to carry on engaging with him, persuading, convincing, arguing, crying... Trying to get my point across as I thought if he could just see how unreasonable he was being, he'd stop.

But he didn't, and I used to get so upset, so broken and out of control. I wish I'd taken a step back, and stopped trying to convince him to change, and realised that our relationship couldn't be saved as he wasn't capable of treating me with love and respect. One person trying twice as hard can never make a relationship work. And love doesn't conquer all.

One of the reasons people stay trapped in abusive relationships is that the behaviour is gradually ramped up in a way that makes the victim think perhaps it was just a one-off. By the time they've worked out it isn't, it has become 'normal' and they've acclimatised. He yells a bit but it's a one-off. Then the yelling happens more often but that's OK, you're used to it, and now he smashes stuff... another one-off. Now he throws things around and yells quite a lot and that's 'normal' so he's added a punch.... See how it goes?

If he'd punched you Day 1 you'd be calling the police. Please do that now

Thanks again for all the posts. I have done some reading up, tried to appraise what's been going on over the last few years and considered whether it's a frog in a heated pan of water situation. Obviously it is a domestic abuse situation but there really hasn't been any of the other types of stuff that crop up in the lists I'm looking at - knocking confidence, isolating from friends, problems with money.

That's not to say things are okay. What has happened is that we are not getting on plain and simple. We have been completely unable to communicate with each other for quite some time to the extent we either either avoid difficult subjects or are having ridiculous rows, each assuming the other is evil and out to get them. It's a completely untenable and destructive situation that has escalated now out of control. I'm taking some time to think about whether it's worth while trying or better to walk away.