He told me he is bisexual

[onbehalfof]

Met a guy on dating site 10 months ago.
Took it really slow.
Had loads of conversation about what we wanted, expectations etc.
He made big speeches about 'let's be uninhibited, let's be free, be honest'
Slept together after 4 months.
I asked him if he had ever been with a man, had boyfriends or gone down that road.
He said no.
After 10 months he told me by text that he is bisexual.
I can't believe he kept this from me.
If I had known from the start I wouldn't have gone there.

Very interested to hear different perspectives.
I feel like the whole 10 months has been a lie.

Mixed doubles? Haha. Or we could play on a slope?

No, see - I think short people should date each other. When I see a strapping 6ft 4in'er with a lady a foot shorter I always think 'what a waste!' - it's just painful flashbacks of being the tallest girl at the disco as a teenager and never having anyone to snog because the boys hadn't hit their growth spurt yet.

Anyway OP - what's your plan? Hope you get a chance to relax and recover this weekend and then when you're ready get back out there x

No, see - I think short people should date each other. When I see a strapping 6ft 4in'er with a lady a foot shorter I always think 'what a waste!' shock - it's just painful flashbacks of being the tallest girl at the disco as a teenager and never having anyone to snog because the boys hadn't hit their growth spurt yet.

Oh well, that's me and the better half crossed off for a game of mixed doubles this weekend. What with him being 6 foot 5 to my 5 foot 2. Bugger!

On a side note though, after I had been a couple of dates with my now H, he confessed to always (until I came along) being of the opinion that he would never date any women under 5 foot 8 ish.

It's really genuinely not having the preference or voicing the preference. It's the conflation of that preference with heterosexuality, and the insistence that bisexuals should not pester straights, and the tone of some of the posts.

Yep. This is what I've sensed all the way through I'm afraid.

World of difference between "I wouldn't date a bisexual/bearded/short person" and a tone where 'they' should somehow only date each other, or it's not a proper heterosexual relationship, 'they' should warn us 'normal' people when they meet us in case we're repelled (or accidentally attracted). Followed by loads of "I'm not prejudiced" bluster and indignation.

For the record I'm straight and so is my DH. So there's no agenda here. This is purely what I am seeing as someone outside this debate.

The crux of what the OP's partner did wrong was he told her lies, when she had been honest. That is his problem.
It's not to do with bisexuality - it could have been any major lie.

but chorus it's not about "pestering" anyone, it's about being up-front about who you are. After all, it's not an issue for some, but for others it is, and that isn't wrong. But sexuality is as much of an issue for a straight heterosexual or a gay man/woman as it is to a bisexual. It's just the difference is that if you as a bisexual enter into a relationship the sexuality doesn't matter because you have no issue with dating men or women, so it stands to reason that it doesn't matter whether your partner is gay straight or bisexual.

But for a gay or straight person, their preference is definitely only for either men or women (depending on their sex/sexuality) and with that comes the preference to only be with gay or straight men and women if that is how they feel.

Which is why IMO it is the responsibility of someone who is bisexual to be up-front about their sexuality, because for them, they are likely going to know the sexuality of their partner.... their partner isn't going to know your sexuality... and that is where there is an imbalance.

Coruskate I will be honest and own my comments. Because as far as I see it, it was a personal situation, and it does not extend to all as a public preference. So you should not really be that offended by it.

Well to be honest, as you did not read my online dating messages, how do you know that these individuals did not manipulate me ? This is the exact description that I want to use to express my experience. One guy pushed me and asked me "why not", and "how could I get someone like you" (What?? What is that supposed to mean? Like how?) He was like only 24.

The other one was a very young 25 year old woman, who posted a VERY suggestive photo of herself on her profile, and then she wrote something which I felt was manipulative because the only time I have ever encountered that kind of emotional manipulation were from my young cousins coaxing me to do something for them. I fell off my chair when I read that. She complimented me on my eyes, my looks in my photos, and asked whether I wanted to do "more" with her. What the hell ?!?!? She freaked me out.

I would never ever ever do that to any random stranger, and the only person that ever did that to me, i.e. emotionally guilt tripping me is either very close female friends who wanted a nice birthday gift or other, or very very young cousins or my nephew. This a randoms stranger on a dating site. Do you not think that she is actually off her rocker? There is public kindness, or female camaraderie, but then there is that line from "public" to "private"... She crossed that line even without permission from my side. I ran a mile. I have no idea what the hell she was on, but to me, that is NOT acceptable behaviour from someone you do not know. Maybe she thinks that life is a rollercoaster for her and she is bouncing from person to person, but I have been there, done that in my 20s, and I do not want that any more.

With the age thing - I once dated a man 10 years older. Many people wouldn't. Not a problem.

However once, someone at a party said we were 'disgusting' because 'he must be a pervert interested in teenage bimbos' (I was not a teenager).
I also, to my recollection, never had this as a dealbreaker after we split: no one has ever expected me to state in advance that I have seen older men (at another time) as it's 'different'. Nor that I might not be sure about dating men my own age or am confused and might run off eventually with an older man. Because society doesn't hold those stereotypes.

It is OK not to date certain people.
It is not OK to have a 'tone' about it, trot out stereotypes or expect a 'warning' (which connotes that those certain people are a problem).

The lying is of course the biggest issue. However what the person has lied about is also an issue if it is potentially a deal-breaker within a relationship.

So - someone might have lied about something trivial for instance and that is of course an issue but you can potentially move past it because it was trivial.

But lying about your sexuality/marital status/whether you have children/a criminal record (these are all things that could be deal-breakers in a relationship, not things that compare with each other) is worse because you have not been given choices in your relationship which you would have potentially made differently had you known the truth from the outset. iyswim.

I'm ignoring the Question Time style debate about bisexuality everyone - sorry!

Lolly - Ha! I do joke about the 'what a waste' thing, it's tongue in cheek, honest. It's funny about these things like height - and sexuality - that can't be changed or chosen. I often wonder (sad I know) if there's a really lovely 5ft 5in man out there who is my soul mate... but maybe he would see me and think I'm too tall and I'd not even notice him (eek).

Do you remember on Celebrity Big Brother (sorry) not last series but the series before - someone was talking about wanting a relationship and someone asked them what type they go for and she said 'dark', when someone else asked if she meant dark haired or dark skinned, she said she didn't like black guys . I bring this up because, she got told off in the diary room for being racist... and was really confused and sad because she genuinely didn't mean anything other than her usual type was fair skinned, blonde, etc... It was really interesting.

I suppose you fancy who you fancy at the end of the day - some of these things come down prejudices and some just chemical reactions at the end of the day...
Whoops - I have gone a bit Question Time too now! x

It's just the difference is that if you as a bisexual enter into a relationship the sexuality doesn't matter because you have no issue with dating men or women, so it stands to reason that it doesn't matter whether your partner is gay straight or bisexual.

But for a gay or straight person, their preference is definitely only for either men or women (depending on their sex/sexuality) and with that comes the preference to only be with gay or straight men and women if that is how they feel.

^^ This.

What is the problem with being upfront about your sexuality when you date someone?

CorusKate I see what you mean RE height, we were just discussing what things we wouldn't consider. But I suppose there's no getting away from/lying about height (apart from online)...

For what it's worth - if I was online dating and saw a straight man had stated 'no bisexuals' - even though I'm not bisexual myself, I would deem him to be a bit ignorant (in my honest opinion) to be honest, that would put me off him.

I think sometimes what people say they don't want says more about them than what they are looking for! x

Blimey. I should have been telling all my past partners that I'm bisexual? In case they were repulsed by the idea of having sex with someone who had sex with members of both sexes? Seriously?

Wow.... just wow

I knew we were prejudiced against, and that's why I don't tend to advertise my sexuality, but I had no idea there was an entirely separate level of homophobia reserved especially for us

Personally, i cannot see how a persons past experiences impact on a new relationship. I mean, I have no interest in anal, can't stand it actually... but I really couldn't give a damn if a sexual partner has experienced it as long as they don't pressure me to do so. It makes no sense, if you write of any potential partner who has experienced a sexual act you don't want to engage in yourself you're really narrowing the field, and have to have some awfully odd conversations before shagging anyone

OP and the bloke have split up now

But it's certainly sparked an interesting debate.

Each to their own I say! x

Whoops - that wasn't a pun...

CorusKate,

Height is a bad analogy. There's not that aspect of disgust.

Maybe not for you, but it can be for someone else. Just because short doesn’t make your ick bells ring, that doesn’t apply to everyone. I felt physically ill watching the telly news the other day. Bernie Ecklestone was pictured with his foot and half taller, 3 decades younger partner. That does really press a good few of my ick buttons. No harm to him or his partner, but I find it icky. I find him icky.

If you don't specify a height range in your ad, it'd be very odd to be offended that a short guy got in touch and asked for a date, and didn't mention before he turned up, "By the way, just so you know, I'm really short." They might not want to date him, and that's fine obviously. But some people do seem to be disgusted that bi people would get in touch with them, despite not having said "no bis".

I didn’t know this discussion was purely related to online dating and what should or shouldn’t be specified in the ads. I was just talking in general. I can name off the top of my head 30 things that would put me off dating a man. And no way could I write all them on an online dating profile. I assume it would make me look like a freak (I have never actually looked at online dating sites so not quite sure they work). I mean I can see the ad now that I would have to write, assuming you think that people who don’t want to date bisexuals should put that on their OLdating profiles. Mine would read something like.

Must be over 5 foot 10. Must be clean shaven. Must not have dated women vastly younger or older than me. No need to reply if you have ever been with a prostitute. Must shower at least once a day. Must brush teeth at least twice a day. Clean underpants daily are a must. Properly pressed and ironed clothes, while not a must, will be given priority. The ability to pee standing up without splashing all over the place would be great, but sitting-down-peers would be considered if aim is an issue. Must be fully confident with the workings and operations of deodorants. Must not drink more than x units of alcohol per week. And so on and so forth.

No sorry, I just can’t see that every preference can be written down on an online dating profile. I assume those things are supposed to be concise. Hell mine would be the length of war and Peace if I was expected to write down everything that I would prefer not to have in a partner.

HearItAllNow, no I don’t get celeb big bro, well not the same one as you. I am not in the UK. But it’s an interesting point about the girl and her comments over her preferences. It’s a loaded question to ask and she might have done herself a favour by not being so forthright in her answer. Answering something like that directly and honestly just leaves the person wide open to be accused of all sorts of isms.

I knew we were prejudiced against, and that's why I don't tend to advertise my sexuality, but I had no idea there was an entirely separate level of homophobia reserved especially for us

It's not prejudice though. It's personal sexual preference. Nobody says that being bi makes you less worthy or something ridiculous like that. It just doesn't float my boat sexually. Just as some people will strike me off their list immediately because I am small breasted. (Something which I can't lie about. Not for long, anyway.)

WHAT DAY AND AGE ARE WE LIVING IN WHERE WE HAVE TO LIST CLEAN PANTS AND CLEAN TEETH ON OUR LIST OF DEAL BREAKERS!

BROKEN BRITAIN?

Why all the beard beef? I love a furry face

If you are bisexual and in a committed monogamous relationship, it does not really matter who you have slept with in the past. If you love your current partner, this is where your sexual interest lays, and you wont go seek other sexual partners, male or female. The bisexuality therefore is a red herring. If my husband were to cheat on me, it would be disastrous for me, whether it was with a man or woman. It honestly does not matter.

But, as for disclosing sexual partners, it matters if there is any risk of stds, as with a man with gay relationships in his past, it is even more important to know he is "clean". Also, if you are discussing your sexual persona, gay experiences matter.

To be honest, if my partner now told me that he was bisexual, I would take it as a sign at he was currently having sexual urges with other people than me, ie another man. We are then in "prelude to an affair" territory. Under no circumstances is "fancying dick/pussy" a reason for a bisexual person to cheat. That is my opinion.

I never knew that there were hidden heterophobia too. This is really a new thing to me. If you tried to explain yourself to others, then do not listen, but instead, they try to ram their world view into yours, and accuse you for being you, so I must and need to follow their ways too. That is called manipulation and coercion.

CorusKate,

Would you find any large height disparity disgusting,

Obviously not as my partner is a good foot and 3 inches taller than me. I just don’t like short men. I have no issues with other people in relationships with taller/shorter people, I just won’t date short men.

eg a relationship where one partner has a form of dwarfism, or is it possible that you find it disgusting because of what it implies about the dynamics of and the reasons for Ecclestone's relationship?

It’s not the power dynamics that get to me with Ecklestone. It’s more because he is physically not my thing, and his lifestyle choices are not ones I desire in a bloke. A lot older than me, very short, likes vastly younger woman, all things that are off putting for me. I just wouldn’t date any man who dated vastly younger woman. I would however fight for that man’s rights to be able to date whoever the hell he wanted, regardless of age. I just wouldn’t date him or any man like him.

Surely I wouldn’t be expected to list all of that in a dating profile? Which is why I think that people who don’t want to date bisexuals shouldn’t be expected to have to set that on dating profile.

On the flip side of being a silly stupid heterosexual. Oh yes, I would love to hear you try different techniques on me to make me be in the mood realising that was something that your ex loved, and liked, so that you think that I have the problem, than you displacing your baggages onto me. I would love that too. Yes, I would. In an ideal world, people find one another, give their best to their partners, and come to learn to be together. Not throw every single thing that you learnt in your life time onto your partner and expect your partner to "love it".

"My ex loved that, what is wrong with you?" (Oh how lovely and romantic.)