Am I being over worried or is this a red flag?

[Hormonalhell]

Been seeing my guy couple of months. We've been so happy last few weeks and even said the 'L' word to each other. We've met each other's kids and spend a lot of time together. Had an amazing last few days then yesterday I received a drunken message from an old flame on FB. The text was quite suggestive and my guy was pretty pissed off! He told the guy not to contact me again.

Since then things went downhill, I thought he seemed a bit cool and was suppose to come over tonight. He cancelled saying he going out with his sister now instead.

I just feel really upset although he says we are fine, just have a gut feeling things going wrong.

Just wondered if it me being paranoid?

Sorry there's no way a man should be meeting your DC or vice versa after just a few weeks.

I don't really get the need some people have to be instantly 100% involved in each other's lives? I've just met someone who I think is pretty bloody amazing, but there is no way I'd consider introducing him to my children until at least 6 months in, if not more, and I wouldn't expect to be introduced to his children any sooner than that either.

Pinkyrose - that's very classy of you. I apologise for my comments.

Forumdonkey.
I disagree. I can quite understand people seeing back history as relevant and commenting upon that.
That is not the same at all as trawling the OPs history to dig out and post quotes which show her in a poor light.

Referencing a back history may well be productive but finding shitty things to quote is not.

Why would anyone ever create a posting history at all if all it does is make you vulnerable to having everything you ever posted thrown at you when you seek advice?

Exactly Pagwatch and pinky red apology accepted

Yes think I'm very messed up and need professional help.

He backing of anyway now. Obviously he wasn't feeling the same way I was ah well hopefully I'll learn from this experience

So?hes cooled off but you'd already met each other kids,you're rehearsing being step mum
You really need to understand your motives,why you move so fast,and why you're unboundaried
Id suggest its an unrealistic view of relationship and you too easily absolve yourself of responsibility.you want mr right to sort you out

And scarily that rubbish about you love his kids,no yiu don't.and they didn't love you
You think you have to be all or nothing in relationship,its not good approach

I genuinely don't get the problem with bringing up past threads. It's like if I'm chatting to a friend - I might say something like "So last time we chatted you said XYZ - how did that pan out?" I'd be pretty taken aback if she said "How rude of you to bring that up!! How dare you!! Stick to today's subject!!"

That would just be silly!

Do you not think there's quite a difference in chatting to a friend and trawling through a strangers posts on the internet ?

But there's a difference between pointing out that there seems to be a pattern emerging, and dredging up all the nitty gritty details about her sex life in what came across as a quite unpleasant manner.

Anyway, either he's backing off because he's changed his mind about you, or he's sulking. Either way, you're well-rid.

Did you have plans to spend today together OP and he's just not turned up or bothered to cancel? Or was it a loose arrangement?

Either way, I hope you've spent the day something nice with your children and have a pleasant evening together.

Exactly.
Pointing out that the past might be repeating itself is nothing at all like quoting a post about the ops sex life.

Op your not the worst person in the world and you haven't committed some terrible crime. You just want to be loved , who doesn't ?

Perhaps take steps to find that love in a more healthy way , and start examining your own boundaries. We've all had to do it at some time or other.

Yes this had definitely been a lesson for me.

He called up to see me today with the kids to reassure me things were ok I suppose but something has definitely changed between us. Maybe I've just realised how doomed the relationship is, I don't know.

Just feel a bit crap about the whole thing really

I think if you look at WHY you need to be in a relationship in the first place, what it means to you and about you if you are not etc etc, therein lies part of the 'problem'

take a step back, if it fails it fails, if it doesn't it doesn't, whatever happens YOU WILL BE OK.

it may be that you all slow down a bit, take more time for yourself, for you and him a s couple, without the kids, and just BE. He needs to do a lot of thinking about himself and his understanding of relationships.

This is NOT the man you will be with long term, this is a training relationship, one that you learn from and move on from. You must leave it when it's time to go, as you will need to get your NEXT step in life lined up. If you hang on to this one, you will stop and stall the journey to your Mr Forever Man.

Does that make sense?

Maybe I've just realised how doomed the relationship is

Thing is, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you think like that. Instead of having to have his constant reassurance, focus on being a strong, independent woman. Instead of spending the bank holiday moping and worrying about what's been said, go and do stuff with your family. Be a bit aloof, hard to pin down, have interesting stories to tell him when you do meet up. That's so much more attractive and, more to the point, better for you.

Wow - there's a lot for you to think about, Hormonal. Sounds like you've come a long way in the course of this thread. Good on you for acknowledging it

I just wanted to say that I wish I'd looked more closely at red flags and not blindly ignored them. I keep saying it's an awful lot easier to get into relationships than out of them! Why didn't I know that? But it's not too late for you and your DC.

You're getting good advice on here - please take it.

"bringing up and quoting past posts is not acceptable"-well mnhq clearly think it is or there would be no advance search option,no?

Op-take it up the oxo tower from every random you meet if you like but please keep your dcs out of it.

So?

I think it's unacceptable. I post my opinion which, shockingly, might differ from that of mnhq.
Anyway I've managed to use advanced search for years without ever directly quoting an op so I'm not sure 'quoting just to be a twat' was what they intended.

Advanced search is there to be used. That's my opinion. It helps people to get some idea of the person posting tis all.

Why are you arguing over semantics?

What pag said is valid, search by all means, but quoting bits to be a bitch is not on.

But then if you only come on here to judge, point and laugh, as opposed to actually trying to help...

Glad you stayed with your thread, OP. You were brave to stick with it after all the stick you got and with the witch hunting. Hope you feel it was worth it, as it looks like the good MNetters cosmetic up trumps for you with some good advice.

Only one extra though to add: aren't you tired of this OP? It sounds stressful. You have your issues and he has just come out of a relationship and has 4 children.
He's also kicked off about a message, interfered by sending a message back to a stranger and has sulked with you about it.

It might be just me being weird, but I'd rather just have a wank, than be dealing with all that hassle. It's be far more relaxing and much easier, just until you've got you head sorted.

HotSauceCommittee - plus you don't have to look your best.

Let this relationship drift and cease contact.stop looking online fir men,concentrate on your own kids
14yo is at critical adolescent age,exams,adolescent what ifs,spend time with them all.with no new fancy man
Think really hard about yiur repeating patterns re:men.what can you do ti change that
Stop thinking every new man is the one,and stop trying to create perfect blended family
You have compromised your kids safety by bringing home an unknown man so soon,and then theres the explanation that hes not around any more

Thanks everybody for your kind and very helpful advice. Yes I do feel like I've come a long way with this thread. I'm going to sit down now and read through everyone's comments (good and bad) and really take on board what everyone can see that I have not been able to.

I also realise I've made a grave mistake involving our innocent children and yes will think twice before I do that again.

I think I need time on my own now...I do think this relationship is going to Peter out very soon....I'm sad but like Hissy said it's a life lesson.

Thanks again

Thats a very reflective post,and not easy for you id imagine
You can modify and adapt your responses.and 1st step is acknowledgement of problem
Be more cautious,put you and your own kids 1st.prioritise that instead of trying to please men

Thanks Scottishmummy it's true I haven't felt complete without a man but I just really need to dig deep and see why this is so and am already making steps towards getting some counselling