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Original poster

Am I being over worried or is this a red flag?

243 replies

Hormonalhell · 04/05/2014 18:04

Been seeing my guy couple of months. We've been so happy last few weeks and even said the 'L' word to each other. We've met each other's kids and spend a lot of time together. Had an amazing last few days then yesterday I received a drunken message from an old flame on FB. The text was quite suggestive and my guy was pretty pissed off! He told the guy not to contact me again.

Since then things went downhill, I thought he seemed a bit cool and was suppose to come over tonight. He cancelled saying he going out with his sister now instead.

I just feel really upset although he says we are fine, just have a gut feeling things going wrong.

Just wondered if it me being paranoid?

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/05/2014 12:42

I think the 'in love' thing is you being in love with the idea of being loved and in love.

Many of us have had that, and it's the stufff that damages our lives and those of our kids.

We are not in the middle of your relationship, with the whirling emotions and addicitive rush of it all, we can see that the clues are there to some very serious potential issues, that you are so hellbent on having a love affair that you are throwing all caution to the wind.

to a different extent, so probably is he.

NEITHER of you are in a healthy place and ready for a relationship given your histories.

That, as I have said, is OK if only you and he get hurt (but it can be avoided) but your DC have no options.

ADD to this the fact that our DC learn from OUR relationships and really, you know that there are too many red flags there for you to carry on as you are. You do need to stop, think and take things WAY slower.

The other thing is, as much as it's easier for the kids to get all piled in together in terms or childcare, far too soon for a young couple getting to know one another to have to get all stuck in the rut of 'blended family'

being an adult, enjoying a man + woman relationship, being selfish about it and keeping it to yourselves is something so precious, and so important.

put it this way, you'd understand if I said to you that meeting a guy on line and getting PG in the first few dates was probably not wise. You don't know him, he could be anyone.

What you and he have done in getting all the kids together in a matter of weeks is actually worse, in so far as if you were PG, you'd have a good 8-9 months to spend just you and him together.

I'm sorry for looking you up, but it really was relevant to see where you were coming from and i suspected that there were bigger issues as the bigger picture than you were admitting to.

I think you are beginning to see where we are coming from, the first step to this is to admit that you do have issues that ought to be looked at. By investing this time and love in yourself, I promise that you will be healthier, happier and stronger in future. Your DC will be too.

badbaldingballerina123 · 05/05/2014 13:01

It sounds like you've got what I call inside out. You don't need a man to validate you or love you , you need to love yourself as corny as that sounds.

I also think counselling is a good idea. There's a tendency to repeat family patterns . When I went for counselling I sat with my head in my hands as it was so blatantly obvious what I'd been unwittingly doing. It's both terribly complicated and incredibly simple. Best thing I ever did.

I didn't realise your partners split was so recent , I'm afraid it does sound like a rebound thing. Nobody gets over being left , cheated on that quickly.

Star8369 · 05/05/2014 13:10

I think it would be good for you to be single for a while and spend time on you and your kids

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 13:18

OP this is your post of Tue 18-Mar-14 19:33:40 on the dating thread:

I have 3 DC too and I have found that the decent men care about my kids too and see them as part of the package.
I'm still single though hmm I get bored very easy and unsure of what I want anymore

It's only 5th May now! So it's been less than 2 months, a lot less and already you're in love, you 'love' each others kids and you've stepped into mummys shoes.

He's obviously on the rebound and needs a hand with his 4 kids and you seem to desperately want to be in a relationship. This 'relationship' is doomed and you're going to get hurt.

Frankly I feel sorry for the DC.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 13:28

Seriously, that just looks like vindictive shit pinkyredrose.

I can understand looking at posting history to get context but dragging up quotes to make points is crossing a line and I think you just look like a twat.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 13:30

I look like a twat not the OP? How dare you!

She's living in fantasy land, these are her own words!

akaWisey · 05/05/2014 13:30

I think the OP recognises what's been going on, although it's hard to connect reason with emotions if history is still unprocessed (which it seems to be).

I know the injury of being left by a primary care-giver and it's hard not to keep on seeking validation thereafter in the shape of a man, any man, who pays the slightest bit of attention. The good ones tend to see right through it and often can't relate to it at all (whilst the woman in question doesn't recognise a good man as 'right' for her) and the bad 'uns see an opportunity to exploit.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 13:34

Ooh look . I dared.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 13:40

A twat indeed. You obviously love being the big I AM but there's no need to have a go at me.

The OPs past posts were 100% relevant to her current situation. I'm suprised you couldn't see that.

badbaldingballerina123 · 05/05/2014 13:41

The Op isn't on trial here pinky , and I agree you look like a twat for quoting her.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 13:42

If I've learnt anything from this it's to change my bloody user name Hmm

The guy I've met isn't a bad guy, he's loving, warm caring, sensible and cares hell of a lot about the welfare of his kids.

I did say in beginning it's bit soon for him but he said he was happy with things.

Everything been great until yesterday

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 13:44

What's relevant about bring up oral sex? Wtf has that got to do with what I'm talking about on this thread? Nasty minded and totally uncalled for!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 13:45

Sorry anal sex not oral!

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 05/05/2014 13:47

Just ignore.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 13:50

OP you really are in denial.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 13:59

As are you Pinky Hmm

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 14:01

About what exactly?

JumpingJackSprat · 05/05/2014 14:04

Op sounds very mixed up and damaged. Don't get close to his kids - just be a friend to them for now. Don't try and be mummy. Quoting other threads is ridiculous behaviour by the way. This isn't a soap opera for your entertainment to try and trip her up.

Op I'd take a step back and just breathe for a little while. Still pursue the relationship if you want to - just. . Slow down. Being a stepmum is really really hard. Don't jump in with both feet..

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 14:06

OP I wish you all the best I really do. I'm sorry if I've upset you by bringing up past posts, I shouldn't have maybe but it does sound like an odd relationship to me and many others. However it's your life, just take care and look after yourself.

forumdonkey · 05/05/2014 14:16

What always amazes me is when I came out of my physically and emotionally abusive marriage the LAST thing I wanted to do was get into another relationship. I was wary and scared - lets face it, if the man I trusted and married years before turned into a monster I didn't know how the hell can you make a judgement on a man after 4 weeks?! This isn't necessarily just aimed at you but women I know in RL too and to be perfectly honest their kids are being screwed up by it all, from withdrawing and another going off the rails.

My DC's also went through all this shit, not just me. It wasn't ever aimed at them but they witnessed it. What I needed and IMO OP you need to do is focus on your DC's. Have your relationship but keep it away from your kids.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 14:19

Bringing up and quoting past posts is just not acceptable.

I don't have a problem with you pinky, I have a massive problem with your doing that.
Just don't do it.
It's sneaky and unpleasant.

forumdonkey · 05/05/2014 14:29

Pag I think it is quite relevant, so long as it is in context. The fact that OP seems to go from one true love to another in a matter of weeks shows there are huge red flags and the speed at which the relationships are moving. It may not be palatable for OP to hear but if you ask for opinions you can't cherry pick the nice ones you agree with. I think OP has relationship issues that she should address. Everyone else can see the car crash which is happening, the opening post showed that, with the additional info just shows that there are bigger issues.

I predict that this won't end happily for OP, she will get hurt one way or another. There shouldn't be issues after 4 weeks and already he's mardy, she's worried etc etc.

MrsThor · 05/05/2014 14:32

It's sounds as if you have been through some difficult times, why not give yourself a break and just date..no strings, just lighthearted fun. Keep your kids out of it and spend some time finding out what it is that would really make you happy

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 14:33

Pagwatch comments taken on board and I apologise.