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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over worried or is this a red flag?

243 replies

Hormonalhell · 04/05/2014 18:04

Been seeing my guy couple of months. We've been so happy last few weeks and even said the 'L' word to each other. We've met each other's kids and spend a lot of time together. Had an amazing last few days then yesterday I received a drunken message from an old flame on FB. The text was quite suggestive and my guy was pretty pissed off! He told the guy not to contact me again.

Since then things went downhill, I thought he seemed a bit cool and was suppose to come over tonight. He cancelled saying he going out with his sister now instead.

I just feel really upset although he says we are fine, just have a gut feeling things going wrong.

Just wondered if it me being paranoid?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 10:43

No Alice, he just brings them over to mine and we go to park and stuff like that. He managed for first few months when she left him and their kids so no don't think he needs me

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 10:43

Not everyone name changes. I haven't in 10 years.

If people looking at your other posts get a back story that shows this is a pattern for you, maybe that is something you should view as relevant.

Name changing to hide your background would be a red flag in itself wouldn't it?

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 10:45

Yes probably relevant Pagwatch. My dad left me when I was 4 and I was gutted always wondered if that bore some resemblance in the way I rush headlong into relationships Hmm

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 10:45

OP just read some of your other posts. On 7th March you stated that you'd just dumped someone. Then on 17th April you stated that you love anal sex with your new man and you're v much in love! He only split from his wife in january ffs. Also he loves telling people how you 'duped him' by changing your age from 42 to 38 on PoF and in another post that you're worried you might be a rebound.

You also stated that he told you he wanted to take it slow from the start.

This relationship is a joke!

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 10:47

Jesus the detectives are out in force today Hmm

Bad bad me!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 10:50

Maybe Hormonalhell

I used to try and make clearly unsuitable relationship 'fit'

I had this idea in the back of my mind that there was a life that only made sense if I had a man. And I loved the buzz of the first few months. It was so addictive when everyday life on my own was a grind.
I came to realise that until I stopped falling in love with every bloke I dated I would end up with dickheads forever.
I made them perfect in my head by ignoring their bd qualities as my fault.
It took a long time to stop doing that.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 10:50

Oh don't go trawling through her old posts.
Thats just shitty!

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2014 10:52

Not when it's relevant. It's all information that she herself posted.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 10:54

Its shitty.
I'm managing to communicate with her without a fucking witch-hunt.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/05/2014 10:55

'Course you're not bad. You're just someone who wants to be loved. It's perfectly natural. The thing that causes problems is being so determined to feel loved that you don't worry whether it's real or not, just so long as you get the "Yes! I'm loved!" rush for the time being. Living for the moment isn't always a bad thing either, as long as you also have an eye to the future. And that, I think, is what you're being pulled up on here, especially as your future isn't just yours, it's your children's as well, and you seem to be worryingly unaware of how they may be impacted just because they're happy now, like you are yourself. Don't be a nun, don't be paranoid, but do be... circumspect. You are all worth taking a bit of care over.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/05/2014 10:57

Think I could have saved myself some typing by just waiting until Pagwatch expressed it so eloquently :)

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 11:02

I was just going to post quoting this Annie

Don't be a nun, don't be paranoid, but do be... circumspect. You are all worth taking a bit of care over.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 11:17

Thanks Annie and Pagwatch I'm sat here now thinking yes I've made a big mistake thinking this could actually be the relationship I've been wanting without looking at the bigger picture.

My kids are very important to me and I just not sure of the way forward any more.

Facebook eh??...just seen a pic of him out with his gorgeous sister and her equally gorgeous two mates. Hmmmmm Hmm

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 05/05/2014 11:27

Grow up woman and put your DC's first. How do you think they feel with mum having another new BF? Nobody is saying that you can't date or embark on a new relationship but do it without your DC's being introduced and involved with these men. You've only known him weeks so you don't know him do you?

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 11:28

I think looking for a relationship tips into making your current relationship the one really easily if you are not careful.

You need to pay more attention to what he does, how he acts, how you are acting than to how you feel.
It's not easy.
The advice on here is often spot on, even if it's hard to hear.

I'm sure there are loads of people on here with experience and advice about keeping your feet on the ground.
Maybe start a new thread?

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 11:31

What so somebody can just drag this convo into it, quoting every post I've ever made for last two years nah.

I'll just walk away now but thanks for the advice good and bad...all been read Smile

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2014 11:32

"My dad left me when I was 4 and I was gutted always wondered if that bore some resemblance in the way I rush headlong into relationships"

I am sorry that happened to you; did you ever have contact with your Dad again after he left?. You likely still have an innate fear of being abandoned or being on your own. For girls who are left in such a manner as you were, this often translates into issues with trust and commitment.

I was going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up and the above is very telling. That would also have an awful lot to do with how you view and conduct relationships now. All that you have learnt about relationships to date, all that damaging crap, has to be unlearnt through counselling and rebuilding your own self worth and self esteem. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 11:44

Attila I had intermittent contact with my father over the years and at 12 he came back to my mum but then left again a year later. Never felt like he was there for me but I still loved him.

OP posts:
akaWisey · 05/05/2014 11:45

Can I just say I agree with Pag and other's who're really trying to help you Hormonal?

My dad did the same - and it really did something to my ability to commit to men who were good people, men who would take the time to get to know me, respect me, show kindness. So I married a bloke who, when our DD was the exact same age as I'd been when my dad left - did the same thing. And what did I do? Got into another relationship shortly afterwards because I was bereft, absolutely bereft. It wasn't right and I made all the same mistakes which are being pointed out to you. But I'm not that woman now Hormonal and nor need you be Smile

Go to therapy - see if your GP is signed up to the IAPT resource and it won't cost you anything if money' tight.

And sorry for the minor hijack. Just want to help really.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 11:50

Thanks Wisey...I always thought I needed some kind of therapy re my relationship issues but yes thought too expensive. Have looked at BACP so going to browse through that more.

Worrying thing is I have a 14 year old daughter who just like I was at her age....cycle repeat Hmm

OP posts:
akaWisey · 05/05/2014 11:52

This your chance to help her stop the rinse, repeat cycle - by showing her how to value yourself as an individual and learning to trust yourself.
Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2014 11:54

The cycle does not have to repeat though, do look more into the BACP website.

Hope I am not writing out of turn here but it really was not your fault your dad chose to leave. Perhaps part of you still blames yourself. He let you down and badly so, if anyone is to be blamed here it is he.

Have you ever talked to your mother about him?.

scottishmummy · 05/05/2014 12:01

Stop bring various men into your kids life.slow down,stop charging around
You seem to lose all sense of judgement in new relationship,and don't seem to learn from mistakes
You do not love this mans kids after 1month,you'll never be mummy to them.get that straight

Instead of being mummy to new fancy man kids concentrate on your own kids
Be their mum
Stop all the whimsy romantic fantasies

Bitofkipper · 05/05/2014 12:32

People don't read back threads to be mean, they do it so they can understand you better. Some advice can be disastrous if you don't know the history.
In general people really do want to help, even if it may not be what you want to hear, sometimes it's what you need to hear.
People in real life cannot afford to be so honest.

Original poster
Hormonalhell · 05/05/2014 12:35

Attila yes have talked to mum but she has a obviously negative view of him. He was a player and left mum twice when pregnant Hmm

OP posts:
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