Am I being over worried or is this a red flag?

[Hormonalhell]

Been seeing my guy couple of months. We've been so happy last few weeks and even said the 'L' word to each other. We've met each other's kids and spend a lot of time together. Had an amazing last few days then yesterday I received a drunken message from an old flame on FB. The text was quite suggestive and my guy was pretty pissed off! He told the guy not to contact me again.

Since then things went downhill, I thought he seemed a bit cool and was suppose to come over tonight. He cancelled saying he going out with his sister now instead.

I just feel really upset although he says we are fine, just have a gut feeling things going wrong.

Just wondered if it me being paranoid?

He found you out in a lie.
You're all over his DC.
You get a sleazy sex message and show it to him.

I hope he's talking to his sister about trustworthy women with boundaries - which doesn't seem to describe you all that well, I fear, Hormonal.

Mind you, he overstepped his mark by replying to the sleazy ex, so there's a good chance his whole family's a bit short on boundaries and he will, unwisely, be back.

Enjoy getting back together, and post here when it all goes pear-shaped, won't you?

Whatever you chose to believe, I have posted genuine advice in the hope that you at least give pause to this determined effort you seem to be making to turn a very new relationship into 'love'

You know very little about him, he about you.
Protesting that you love him and love his kids is astonishingly childish.
You are feeling strong attraction and, it sounds like, a strong determination to make this relationship more meaningful than it is.

You are trying to create intimacy, forcing love on to his chikdren, insisting your chikdren love him.
Trying to believe it is all great, all meant to be may be alluring.
But actually love would be more measured, more reasonable. If you genuinely loved him, he loved you then you would be taking it slow out of genuine respect for each others feelings and to protect each others chikdren.

What you are doing and what you are demonstrating on here is immensely selfish and childish. You are throwing your toys out of your pram at anyone who challenges your behaviour.
You can wriggle as much as you like but both of you have behaved in a teenage-like way having hissy fits over FB messages.
His sending that message to your ex is awful yet I suspect you were privately delighted. Having him warn off your ex actually makes you look like a ninny. If he sent that message without your permission the I would be fearful because that sense of ownership is a red flag. If you suggested or accepted that he did it then you determination to be 'owned' by him is a red flag.

There are red flags all over the place.
You can continue to ignore that and bleat 'but I luv him'. Or you can just slow this down and reframe what you are doing which will be better for you and in particular for your chikdren . And ironically, given that he clearly is unimpressed with you at the moment, it may be better for him.

It's up to you. But I hope you start to apply a more rational approach before you regret it. This is not a good template for a solid, mutually loving relationship and an awful thing to model to your chikdren.

You have been in a controlling relationship, you told him you didn't want that again, and he pissed all over your stated boundary - by replying for you. And is now sulking.
He's an arsehole. HTH.
Yes - red flags.

As for you... you love his kids? LOVE? After a month?
No, you don't.

What does 'mummy' think about you stepping into her shoes and 'loving' her children after a matter of weeks?

Lone voice time. I don't think the op is that bad. The fb stuff is all very odd but I don't see why the MN consensus is always meet the guy weekly for the first year, then allow him into your home after you're married etc.

I wonder how slowly most posters on here took it when they met their current partner. It's easy telling others to cool down, back off etc but it's different in your own life isn't it.

Mummy just glad her kids are being treated well I think.

Exactly Morris, everyone's lives are different. I get on well with children in general, they've warmed to me as I have them. Is this such a bad thing? Surely people should be slagging me down if I was on here saying I just wanted him and not his kids! I accept he comes as part of a package as does he. The children are fine and it's really not about them. But you always get the do-gooder know it alls on here

No problem with lone voice Morris

It's just the lone voice is all the op wants to hear.

I'm a do-gooder know it all.
So posting advice I would give in real life makes me a cunt apparently.

Well you see Pagwatch that's one word I would never dream of using...each to their own I see.

I actually have taken on board the advice you have given. He text me last night (drunk) and said he loves me. I just said I loved him too, which I do. I'm now just going to step back and take things a bit slower, be careful with things I show him on FB but still being honest which is the foundation I'm trying to build in this relationship and just see how things go.

I don't regret introducing the kids and as a poster said up thread she did it and things were fine. I know my own kids as does he is

It actually is all about he kids actually.

You can date whatever psycho you like, as can he, but the ones that lose the most are thr dc. You have to protect them from a fledgling relationship and the confusion it brings when and if it goes wrong.

You're saying you love his kids, but you have no idea who they are either. They don't know you and are probably still on acquaintance level, where they behave properly in front of you.

If and when things get more serious between this bloke and you, that may change, especially as you're elbowing your way to 'Mummy' status.

A lovely child on week 4 can turn into someone entirely different at month 4.

You shouldn't be mixing your new boyf, a bloke you met on the Internet with your children this soon.

If my ex was doing this with my ds, i'd withdraw contact immediately.

It takes on average 2 years for an abusive bloke to make his presence felt, your ex was controlling, i'm willing to bet that you've done FA in looking to heal yourself after that, so will still be putting out the same message beacons to potential bad men, you don't have any boundaries, are overly trusting of strangers, and your children are ar huge risk of harm. As are you.

Of course I can't be sure of this, as I don't know him. But then again, neither do you.

I hope he does dump you, I really do, and then perhaps you will stop and think a bit about how your children are worth more to you than your next squeeze.

I'm not bitching at you. You are being irresponsible here, and you will come a cropper.

I think the issue of introducing children to a new partner is all about reducing the risk of emotional harm to them. What if they attach and then the relationship ends, as so very many do within a year? What if the children end up being introduced to a succession of new men over the years - how damaging could that be to them?

It's a risk assessment. And most people don't want to take avoidable risks with their children's welfare. It did concern me that ExH introduced our children to a series of girlfriends before he found 'the one'. He had thought they were all 'the one', you see. I don't think he meant to harm them, but he just didn't weigh up the risks in the same way that possibly others would.

Minefield, basically.

Nowt wrong with cunt.
Same as dick, twat etc.
I'm not happy about treating female genitals as the worlds worst insult.

Ah, a drunken text late at night from him?

All is well in the world.

I am glad you are going to slow it all down.
I think you could perhaps have a think about how you feel honesty works.
Honesty isn't taking him step by step through the minutiae of your Facebook page, your diary, your dirty underwear pile..
Honesty is not hiding things and being open when it is needed.
If you trust someone it isn't necessary to see everything.

There is no need to open up every recess of your life to prove you are not a liar. That is over the top and implies that being in a relationship gives one no right to privacy.
He needs to respect your privacy. You need to value your own.
I've been married for years and we trust each other totally. DH would never dream of looking at my Facebook page unless I wanted to show him a cat on a skateboard.

At least slowing it down not that it's going to happen might mean the injuries from the impending car-crash might be lessened.

I've just skim read you other posts. :(

This guy's only months out of being cheated on by the mother of his 4 dc.

You are being swept up in a whirlwind.

You are bunging all 7 kids in the middle of this, and you're proclaiming love all over the place.

At best this is a rebound/hysterical bonding from his part, at worst there is a reason his wife cheated on the father of her dc, and you are repeating old behaviour in piling you and your kids headlong into another dysfunctional relationship.

For every 1 person that throws caution to the wind and shacks up with their boyf in 5mins, there are a thousand stories of women and children being worn away to nothing.

The risk you are taking with your life is down to you. But the risk being taken with all your dc lives is something not a single one of them could do anything about.

As much as you say that he knows his kids and you know yours, you don't know them at all when partners get put into their mix. This high speed train of a relationship is careering along, and they are just passengers. No safety belts, no airbags, and by the looks of it, the drivers aren't even keeping their eyes on the way all this is going.

You're both being idiotic. STOP the fucking train! Let the kids off it at least!

Well said, hissy.

But she won't stop the train because she "luvs him."

From your other posts he only split from his wife in January. And your own kids seem to have been through the mill too. Surely they all need a bit of stability before they are pushed into a blended family and strangers playing Mummy and Daddy to them.

He split with his wife in January, just weeks before you met him.

Too fast. Slow down. Be more realistic.

OP, you split with a boyfriend in March, did he meet your children too? Surely you can see with your dating experiences over the last couple of years that things can go wrong and people aren't always what they seem? Why is this man so different that you would risk your children's emotional welfare for him?

My children have met 3 of my boyfriends in the 2 and half years I've split from their dad. They are 14, 12 and little one 15 months

OK, so flame me, but I just took a look at some of your other posts. I'm afraid I lost track of boyfriends/husbands/affairs/pregnancies/surnames etc.
Your life, of course, but it does indicate that you might be prone to rushing into things and then having regrets. How about taking stock with this one before it all gets out of hand?

Yes Clam I think that's exactly what I need to do. Just hoped this could be right but now I'm starting to see the massive cracks....

I'm baffled. You see him practically every day? Are you sure you're not being used as some sort of surrogate mum so he isn't stuck with all the childcare responsibility? Do either of you work? That much together time would drive me crazy - even in a new relationship.

Now I know why people name change duuuuuuh