I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off ) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between'

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

Mind you, all that sport must be quite tiring. Interesting that he's making positive noises about having a baby, but is unable to prioritise directing some of that energy into being more present in both your lives, planning for the future and involved with your son. Seriously, as others have asked, is he worth the hassle? He's got a sweet deal at the mo. Where's his incentive to rock the boat and/or make more work for himself?

That makes me feel resentful tb h Dust. I'm up from half five onwards most days and don't get nights off really. But I couldn't crash on the sofa even if I wanted to as from 3 onwards it's usually housework time then dinner then bedtime routine. Plus toddlers don't like you sleeping on the job!

And I'm not sure he is worth the hassle but not quite sure enough he isn't, yet anyway

The one time I fell asleep on the sofa mid-afternoon with toddler DS1, he managed to drag a chair from another room and get at the ornaments on an out of reach shelf. Was 8 mo pg & had been up half the night with him, but still - kind of proves the point about total vigilance!

I don't think you need to wait 6 months - if he hasn't picked up the phone and booked driving lessons within the next week you probably have your answer.........

This.

Besides, you are still mothering him. We shouldn't have to raise these boundaries. They should be there to select partners, not to try and change them.

My younger brother did almost nothing at home. Maybe make his bed and put the dishes in the dishwasher in a rota and help with shopping.
He went to live away from home as soon as he could, living by himself (and no mummy laundry at weekends). He cooks at home and he is a very much hands on dad. He is also a very busy doctor, working shifts.

Your bf doesn't need teaching. Even if he raises up to the challenge within the 6 months, you can bet that he will revert to type as soon as you fall for it and let him in or get pregnant. (I hope you are not depending on condoms, btw...)

After DS I am using the pill, extremely carefully! Never again, hopefully.

We went out today and it was pleasent etc but I was actually just sat there thinking 'god, I have almost no respect for you anymore'

Irespect some things about him and i'm not perfect or in a great position myself but it's hard to respect someone who just isn't bothered, yet anyway. I don't know.

Its the familiarity and attachment that's making this harder.

I don't want to be too harsh and know he'll be really upset.

Once the respect is gone it is almost impossible to get it back, in my experience.
Sounds as though you are on the right track, just keep thinking and being honest with yourself about the prospects.

Familiarity also breeds contempt.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs and you certainly are.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defence against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

It's mostly fear of making the wrong decision, the fact it'll still be a bit sad despite it likely being the right choice. And just knowing he'll take it badly and be really upset. Especially as I dumped him before

Also he's good with ds and has changed a bit. Plus I'm only a single mum on benefits, despite working my way out of it slowly. Beggars can't be choosers and all that

Would it be the right decision to stay together though?. From what you have written it would not be a wise move on your part. You barely respect the man now; he's 27 and not bothered. This is all really too much like hard graft; relationships should not be this hard honestly.

If you did separate before why did you both get back together?. You may well find that nothing has really changed in him since the last time he was dumped.

Saying that you don't want to be harsh makes you sound like you are the mum to him. He may well get upset as may you but sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.

You're "only a single mum on benefits" you write. Stop denigrating your own self here!!!. Besides which, you are working your way out of it!. Such negative thinking does your self esteem and worth no favours at all.

He's changed a bit but not enough, you've outgrown him and are far more emotionally mature.

We get the relationship we are willing to put up with. What is your own bottom line here, I daresay it is set way too low currently.

(BTW the only other man I know who gets his parents to drive him about is my BIL and he is certainly not ideal relationship material at all!!. They've also enabled him to the hilt).

He begged for a week and said it'd all change of course

I just have a feeling he wouldn't get it anyway but demand we talk about it for hours. So it'd have to be a really honest, short and sweet thing and I'll need to be really firm etc. Ideally it would be somewhere public to avoid that. Quiet but not my house. He'd never leave.

I think I'm worth a decent relationship. I just feel a bit stupid saying I'm unhappy with him never trying to move along in life and be independent when I'm lagging behind myself, albeit catching up.

I haven't got much to compare it too which doesn't help. I think that makes it less obviously rubbish etc.

Yes but you are unhappy. That is enough of a reason to end a relationship. Nothing stupid about that at all.

You're right really.

He's on holiday this week. That's fine. But he expects to stay here every night. So he'll be here at dinner time every night, and won't want to go to bed til midnight etc. Fine, but my front room is also my bedroom and I'm up at six or earlier everyday.

I said he should stay at home this week as I have to go to bed early ish or I feel like shite all day the next day. But he's not keen on the idea He isn't keen on that but has no choice. It's irritating how sort of absent mindedly selfish he is sometimes

No point ranting on here I know.

I just want things to be simpler and go away but they won't unless he picks it up a bit or I leave really

Just sad as it all only fully hit me this week so still all a bit bury and angry.

*blurry!

And he's not done anything wrong technically. We're just likely not the right match long term. UThough He'd likely disagree

No point ranting on here I know.

There is if it's helping you think things through, and I'd say if you read back through the thread, it shows you have been.

True. He's gone to sleep after trying to give me the cold shoulder (instead of trying to be extra nice I just ignored him which doubly pissed him off).

Should be getting an early night but here I am, wide awake because I'm angry, again. All because I wanted an early night in my own home and suggested if he wanted late nights and lie ins this week then my place wasn't the best place to be. I suggested it nicely too despite wanting to word it, er, otherwise.

Will try to get some sleep anyway. Seeing a lovely friend tomorrow whilst my son is at nursery and the place I volunteer Is still shut

God, Orchard - he's so bloody annoying wanting to crash at yours, despite your need for early nights. Send him back home at bedtime for the rest of the week.