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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

299 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 06:25

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun Hmm ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off Hmm) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between' Hmm

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise Brew Brew Brew

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 08:28

That's what I plan on doing.

I wish things were progressing like he promises they will and do feel heartbroken about it.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:30

Good for you. You both deserve to be happy :)

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 08:35

Thank you.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:36

You are very welcome. xx

Lweji · 04/05/2014 08:43

Don't try to change people.
He is what he is and if he isn't what you want right now, not even close, then you are better off parting ways.
He will revert to what he is right now and you will resent each other.

It is ok to end less than great relationships before they get worse.

Wow. He took the bus to see you. Lots of people use buses frequently. I do and I have a car.

It's been two years, if he's not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with now, then he will never be.
You will just end up giving lots of chances, possibly having a baby or marrying when he has a longer period of being better, reverting to type because you are then hooked, probably losing his job and not getting another. He will not grow up at 27. He won't fundamentally change. The mentality of staying put at his mother's, in this job and letting people drive him around will not change. Perhaps if he hits rock bottom. Or he'll just sit at home living off benefits. Or you...

Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:55

I changed a lot from 27 to 41. I am not the woman I was then, not by a million miles!

You owe it to both of you to have a final talk and laying all cards on the table. At least that way you won't belooking back thinking... what if?

Lweji · 04/05/2014 08:59

We all change a bit, but not because other people want us to and not fundamentally.

It's too risky to hope for changes in him without him having the motivation to do it. Not from what you say about him.

The most I have changed from when I was 27 is to realise that people don't really change. We need to accept them for what they are. Or not.

How many talks and break ups do you think it will take for him to change to the partner you want?
He had his second chance already.

Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 09:15

We don't all stop growing as people - it is ongoing. Maturity comes with age - it certainly did with me.

Well, age and circumstance. A man still living at home at 27 does have a lot to learn.

We could argue this point till we are blue in the face. I personally grew up when I moved across the world to live (I left at 26) and am a very different person, far more confident and sure of myself. Also far more accepting of others and their differences.

It is your life, OP. I really hope it works out for you. :)

WildBill · 04/05/2014 09:29

Best wishes Orchardkeeper - I would concentrate on your health and yourself for now.

Either put this manchild on the backburner or offload him permanently. He has a lot of growing up to do.

Lweji · 04/05/2014 10:27

But that's it, Bluebell, you had to grow up.

At the moment this man has no motivation to grow up. And I doubt it will be while with Orchard.

DownstairsMixUp · 04/05/2014 10:47

27 is not a child! I know one person my age that still lives with parents and he is a bit of a "loser" the rest of us live on our own/with partners and with kids. He is acting the way I did when I was about 20! You change a lot in your 20's, for me the main change was from my early to mid twenties but it sounds like he just doesn't want to and while he has a gf to visit occasionally for a shag and a stop over, I doubt he will.

I would dump him.

Also, he "doesn't watch porn" but suicide girls is porn, no matter how he tries to convince himself it isn't. It's basically just Nuts and Zoo sort of ladies with some tattoos and piercings.

He just sounds like a twat tbh and you can do a lot better.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 11:09

Thanks. We're chatting tomorrow.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 11:24

Lweji - yes, exactly. And when this guy moves out of home, he too will change.

Lweji · 04/05/2014 14:09

If he moves in with Orchard, I very much doubt he'll change.

He'd have to move out and live by himself, be responsible for getting places by himself, take care of himself and so on.
Still...

Lweji · 04/05/2014 14:09

And not pop in at Orchard's every day to have his dinner either.

Lweji · 04/05/2014 14:14

Expecting him to grow up is wishful thinking and many people who have done so end up with threads here because their OH's have never changed or grown up. :(

We should never get with someone else based on what they can do or be, but on what they are and do now. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.
"Courting" is to evaluate a partner. He's been evaluated for 2 years and found lacking. Not sure how much more leeway can be given, really.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 14:20

Moving in with me won't make him grow up anymore than he already hasn't

I honestly believe that things will just be like they are now if he moved in because I already seem to do most things for us both, so why would they change? It will take a lot of talking over and learning on his part if we ever do. He can't cook and isn't that clued up on housework and I wouldn't be prepared to do it all if I lived with him.

I do worry that if he's still like that at 27 (so has been an 'adult' for almost ten years) yet still lives like he's 18 then what does the next ten years bode? Especially if he wants us to settle down together? It wouldn't work as it is anyway, however sad that is.

He asked if he can come over tonight to chat as I think he knows something's amiss Sad Brew

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 14:27

I think I mostly feel like I've 'realized' that this is how it is and am I/are we going to be happy like that? He's a nice enough guy, who's good with DS and can be sweet enough. But our directions in life are still mismatched (even after 2 years) and are no more similar than they were at the start. I'll be very honest with him when we talk and just explain as best I can. It's not like he's done anything awful and I'd never treat it like that.

It'd be easier if I didn't have DS in this situation but I do and can't compromise much because of that. I already am settled down, by myself. Once he's in school (so in a year and a few months) I'll be out of that door like a shot to try and get on the career ladder and out of my own crap situation (the 1 bed, lack of financial security etc). I just want to know if he'll be ready by then. If not then none of the rest matters.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/05/2014 14:41

I don't actually think whether he says he'll be 'ready' by then is relevant to the equation. I'm sure he will say he will be ready, just like he's been saying he wants to learn to drive and get a new job. The future reality, though, will likely just be more of the present. I think this relationship stands or falls on whether it works right now. You have a lot of motivation to get on and up the career ladder, he does not. You are the grafter in this relationship and he's hanging on your coat tails.

It's very unusual for a 27 year old to be content living with their parents and being driven around and I don't think it can be explained by laziness. Even lazy young men want to have their own place, drive their own car and be independent. When he contemplates moving in with you he probably pictures it as similar to living at home, simply swapping his mum for you. I think you are right to look around at his friends and feel frustrated that they are all independent and car driving. It is odd that he's not. Any of his mates with a decent life set up would be a better bet.

You have enough on your plate to deal with your son and health issues, I think you're just adding to your burden with this guy. I would focus all your energy on yourself and your son.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 14:46

When he contemplates moving in with you he probably pictures it as similar to living at home, simply swapping his mum for you

This is what my gut is telling me, despite the 'good bits'. It's what seems to be happening at the moment anyway Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 14:47

And he has a very 'eloquent' way of answering those questions when he's just paying lip service. I think I'll be able to tell if he really means it. And if he says he does then I'll ask him what he plans to do about it, now, not later.

I think that's fair enough. I don't want to control him etc but if he won't do it himself then I have to walk away. For us both.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 14:54

The main difference at the moment is that I hate being dependant on the state at all and can't wait until DS is at school (he's been having ongoing treatment for clubfoot and sleeps poorly due to the brace he wears at night that he can stop waering at school age) and we can sleep like normal people and I canmake up for lost time career wise.

But P really doesn't have an issue with his parents doing so much for him. He says it's not too bad because he pays rent like an adult etc. That's fine if it's how he feels but no one I know over 22 is very happy about living at home and most have either moved out or are saving up and dying to move out. I don't know...

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 14:57

Anyway, tonight will hopefully clear up some things for us both.

Just hope it doesn't morph into an argument. I do not have the energy for it atm Sad Brew

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/05/2014 15:11

And he has a very 'eloquent' way of answering those questions when he's just paying lip service.

In that case focus not on what he says but what he does. There are many smooth-tongued cock-lodgers around, so be careful you don't get stung. Like you, I don't know any adult who was content to live with their parents at that age. I can only infer he likes being coddled. I don't think that his moving out of his parents and in with you is a step forward, he's just swapping carers.

Even if he does learn to drive and change his job, you are still left with a guy who is very self-focused and rather un-motivated, and may well expect you to do everything around the house.

Twinklestein · 04/05/2014 15:13

If you don't the energy to resolve this now, focus on your own needs, that's the most important thing right now.

Good luck x