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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

299 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 06:25

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun Hmm ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off Hmm) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between' Hmm

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise Brew Brew Brew

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 07/05/2014 03:53

Thanks. Harsh is fine. Better than not harsh enough. I needed a good kick up the bum lately with it all Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 07/05/2014 03:54

Thanks. Harsh is fine. Better than not harsh enough. I needed a good kick up the bum lately with it all Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 07/05/2014 09:35

I know I shouldn't have but I brought up the picture thing (which has been deleted) just because I wanted to see if he would lie to me outright or not.

And I got the 'it was a friend, look at my phone, I'd never. I'm not like that'.

Lots of people look at 'stuff' & I'm less bothered since friday but I didn't think he'd outright lie about it (and trust me, thou dost protest too much Hmm ).

That was the nail in the coffin I needed.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/05/2014 09:54

Use whatever you need to stand firm

TalisaMaegyr · 08/05/2014 12:35

How are you OP?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 13:47

Alive Grin Hmm Thanks.

Avoided it so far as he's been busy anyway (and is away this weekend all weekend which is a PITA). DS is at nursery on Mon & I'm not volunteering that day so want to do it somewhere public, when DS isn't around. I know he'll pester me for ages after though.Will probably block his number afterwards now I've figured out how to do it thanks to a nice bloke from Vodafone as that's what ground me down last time.

DS is really ill & I'm knackered which isn't helping. Friends are being great though.

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 08/05/2014 16:46

Hope everything goes ok Thanks

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 16:53

Thank you Thanks

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/05/2014 17:03

You don't need a big thing. You can just ring him and end it.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2014 17:52

OP, the longer you leave it, the more chance you won't do it or he will sweet talk you as your resolve has softened

And back here you will be in 3 months time or so. Same complaints. Same advice. Same crappy relationship.

sonjadog · 08/05/2014 18:11

Just read your thread. So glad you have decided to end it. You have outgrown this man and it is time to leave him behind and move on to better things. You sound like a very capable woman who has plenty of plans for her future. The last thing you need is a dead weight like him dragging you down.

He sounds very like a man in my extended family who lives at home with his mum at the age of 27. He is a nice bloke, but he has the life experience of an 18 year old. I find it hard to talk to him because he doesn't adult understand things, like paying your water rates before buying yourself fancy stereo equipment, or stuff like that. His mum also does everything for him. He dates women 6-7 years younger than him and it goes well for a year or so, but then they start on a career path and an adult life and they realise that he is going nowhere and leave him behind. There is absolutely no reason why he couldn't leave home and be an adult, but he just doesn't want to. His mum feeds him, cleans up after him, pays all the bills. I pity the woman who ends up with him, because she will be taking over the role of his mum. He isn't going to change now.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 18:36

Sonja that is it exactly. Not horrible but still shit really, especially if you have DC and are already mentally about 10yrs older...

OP posts:
struggling100 · 08/05/2014 18:40

I put up with one of these kidult blokes for years and years, and it was only a couple of months after it ended that I realised how hugely wearing it had been, and how much it had just tired me out. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. Things are SO much easier with a grown up fella! Well done for getting rid.

sonjadog · 08/05/2014 18:52

Ditch him, Orchard. Do it as soon as you can before you lose your nerve. Dumping someone is awful, so better to get it over and done with. It'll hurt for a while but you'll get over it and will be able to focus on the real goals for your life and not be dragged down and distracted by this draining relationship.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 20:08

I know that even if I feel a bit sad I'll still be more relieved than anything else.

Thinking about just ringing him but he has stuff here anyway. Though I could get him to pick it up when I'm not here.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 08/05/2014 20:14

Can you pack it up and leave it for him outside the door or just hand it over to him when he comes to pick it up?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 20:15

I can

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2014 20:57

Why are you still thinking and not doing ?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 21:00

He has a friends stag weekend this weekend and his friend is lovely so didn't want to send him off in a state as it would likely ruin that blokes weekend.

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 08/05/2014 21:02

Orchard, if you're serious about this, you need to just do it. You're procrastinating, which is fine if you're not sure about your decision, but you can't go on like this forever. You only get one life, love, don't waste it.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2014 21:03

So ? why is that your problem

You are prevaricating.

You will regret that. Again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/05/2014 21:05

I would almost think, a stag weekend, perfect, all his mates to cheer him up. It's not like he's the groom. Sorry, OP, not making light of this, but if not now, when.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 21:08

I know. It's just awkward as I'm really good friends with that guys fiance.

I could do it tomorrow before he goes. Don't want to see him though but hey ho.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/05/2014 21:10

That's actually not a bad way to think of it. Thanks. And it means less hassle from him as he'll be busy!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 08/05/2014 21:13

Can't you do it tonight? Just call him, say it's over and you'll leave his stuff for him to pick up tomorrow. I think before the stag weekend is a good time. Really, he is an adult and he can deal with being dumped in an adult way, not get in a state about it and ruin a friend's weekend. You are thinking like his mum again.