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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

299 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 06:25

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun Hmm ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off Hmm) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between' Hmm

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise Brew Brew Brew

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 05/05/2014 22:56

I should add: especially after waking you in the middle of the night and ruining your sleep. So not interested in what you need...

Twinklestein · 05/05/2014 23:02

Send him back home for good OP. This is ridiculous. You're ill, you've got a son, you're not running a fucking hotel for manchildren who can't get their life together.

He's not remotely interested in your needs, your son or your health. You'd be fine without him, he's just making everything worse.

DustBunnyFarmer · 05/05/2014 23:13

Well said Twinkelstein.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 05/05/2014 23:19

He's taking the piss.
You are not a beggar.
Nothing wrong with being single, it's not like musical chairs, you don't lose if you end up without one when the music stops.
You know what you want, stop feeling guilty about it. You are clearly too nice for your own good and he is taking advantage of your inability to draw a line.

Zucker · 05/05/2014 23:52

I was giving him the benefit of the doubt until I read your last post. He's taking the piss and couldn't give a toss about your wishes really. I'd wake him now and state that you don't want him to sleep over so he can go home.

He'll be in the way in the morning having his entitled lie in, you know he will.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/05/2014 00:08

"Good old Orchard she's going to come round when she sees how lovable I am, sleeping and defenceless".

It doesn't matter how keen or not he is on an idea he can't invite himself round for sleepovers, drunk or sober. And no it's not being absent-mindedly selfish it's a little kid ploy to distract mummy and hope she forgets about being strict about whatever he doesn't fancy doing. DS will try that caper when he works it out.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/05/2014 01:07

Thank you.

I wasn't sure the future talk was rubbish entirely until this week. Cheeky fucker Shock

I'm telling him something tomorrow about needing to just be alone for a bit and recover this week. I just want him to be anywhere but here. I'll be so relieved when I've left tomorrow morning. He does sulk silently when he's annoyed and it feel claustrophobic to be around.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 06/05/2014 02:06

I can't believe he comes to yours, expects you all to adjust your sleeping patterns to suit him and then sulks when you disagree. Tell him in the morning he can't come round again this week as he is being selfish -aGAIN - to expect it.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/05/2014 05:45

Thanks. What a crap night's sleep. At least DS has nursery today.

I don't quite know how I got here. I'm not stupid. It's just been insidious and I've been too soft.

Also having my first period since cauterization #1 and it is painful.

When it got to 9:30 and I said I needed to go to bed (this is usual for me so he knew it'd be around that time) he said if he kneew I'd be going to bed so early he'd have stayed at home Hmm Because he's on holiday etc. I said 'well I'm not and it's me that gets up with DS tomorrow and I'm still ill. Why don't you go home?'. Apparantly the ten min walk home wasnt worth it so he huffed and puffed here instead Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/05/2014 06:25

I do have a couple of good friends in rl who are great to talk to. They were both fairly shocked when I explained he lives at home but also has everything done for him (they're both late 20s so older than me but 1 lives at home whilst doing everything for herself and the other moved out years ago). I didn't talk about it with them before because I was embarassed really but it's helped to talk to people in rl about it. Meeting one this morning which will at least inject some fun into today! I feel so drained Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 08:23

Op, what the hell are you playing at letting this ridiculous manchild walk all over you ?

I remember your previous thread about him and not one thing has changed, including the advice you were given

Tell him to along his hook and say it plainly. Stop pussyfooting around, you sound like a complete wet lettuce

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 08:23

*sling

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/05/2014 08:42

Yeah I know it looks stupid. I made a mistake taking him back but I'm chalking it up to having not been in a relationship longer than 5 months before. Second chances are overrated. I won't feel like I owe anyone more than one chance in the future, after talking things through of course.

Ugh Brew

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/05/2014 08:43

You need to tell him not to bother showing up again.

This is the second talk you've had and he knows he'll just have to do the bare minimum to continue.
He wouldn't go home or help you even though you were in pain.
He failed the first test.

Have you thought how easier your life will be without him around?

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 08:51

Don't "talk" ... tell

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/05/2014 20:16

I spoke to him and he said all the stuff he said he'd said before about sorting stuff out after summer etc in a few years etc. Got my answer then.

ds has nursery on Thursday and he's off so meeting him at a coffee shop to end it. That way if he gets difficult I can just leave.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 06/05/2014 20:25

Oh dear. I can imagine it is disappointing to see it play out this way but you are very likely saving yourself a lot of stress and heartache down the line when he is doing and saying the same things five years on. I take it he is not around tonight so at least you will get some space and hopefully sleep? Have a Brew

Lweji · 06/05/2014 20:29

Good plan.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 20:31

I am sorry, love but you are doing the right thing. Otherwise, expect many more years of this shit.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 06/05/2014 20:31

Why did you not just kick him out when he started moaning about bedtime ? Well done for reaching the right decision OP. Rule of thumb = if they cause more headaches than they solve, they are not worth it.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/05/2014 20:36

Because I was in bed, I'd taken Tramadol for the pain (so was pretty dopey on that as well as knackered anyway) and did say he was welcome to go home, to which he said there was no point that late and he just went to bed in a huff Hmm

Thanks though. I know I've been a wet blanket but I do not intend to be someone's mum in any relationship ever. I already have one kids and he is plenty thank you very much.

It's a bit sad as now we've been here twice I could hear those 'promises' for what they were. Empty!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/05/2014 20:39

*kid

It's late. I've not slept well since friday Grin Hmm

That will be corrected by next week Wine

OP posts:
mummytime · 06/05/2014 20:42

Don't worry - some typos and spelling and grammar mistakes are perfectly acceptable if you are tired and ill. (And I do them all the time anyway.)
Good night!

StandsOnGoldenSands · 06/05/2014 22:46

Sorry to be harsh! Hope you get some good sleep and good luck with it all.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 06/05/2014 22:48

Sorry to be harsh! Hope you get some good sleep and good luck with it all