I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off ) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between'

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

I think I actually remember you posting btw SC

Thank you

If irc you were really helpful

I think it's exxacerbated by the fact I do occasionally wonder if I'm hitching to a dodgy wagon.

He's great in lots of ways. Great with DS. Does treat me with respect most of the time. But he does sports 3 times a week (mon eve, tues eve and sat day) and has a guy's night once a week or so on a friday. So it's not like we don't have any space apart or that I'm a control freak. His mum thinks I'm a saint...

I don't know.

That his mother thinks you are a saint is a red flag.

Off to read the rest.

It's a 'joke' IYSWIM but I do bloody wonder.

I'm quite firm. He has to contribute towards food, can't rock up late (used to be an issue) and cook sometimes etc. But he still does take the biscuit evevery now and again.

It's not a good sign that you have to keep him in check regarding time, money and respect for you, essentially.

I'm sorry but he doesn't sound like a keeper and I'm worried you'd find out in the worst way when you became vulnerable.

I'd go off looking for someone who genuinely would contribute food, dedicate time to you and wouln't think of waking you up at 4am particularly when you have a cold and to mother him.

You may need to rethink your boundaries, and alarm buttons, particularly given the previous relationships.

Apart from porn, I wouldn't like the "suicide" aspect of it. It sounds creepy and perhaps a window to his mind.

The person who needs to grow up is him, Orchard, not you.

He is young, and men in our society are given a lot of leeway as far as being responsible is concerned.

It sounds like you are having to teach him, bit by bit, to take responsibility, by putting your foot down about this and that (contributing money, cooking etc.). I suppose, so long as he's taking it on board, and it's not all a bit wearing for you having to take on the role of teacher, then fine.

I feel like I'm trying to teach my grandmother to suck eggs, here. You know all about irresponsible men from DS's father! Just make sure that you don't fall into the trap of thinking he must be "good", just because he's not "as bad" as your ex.

I'm not telling you to LTB, or anything like that, but just do make sure this relationship is worth it, for you.

And right back at ya!

He does it without reminding now I've asked him IYSWIM?

It just didn't occur to him to help out (he lives at home...a world apart from living as a single mum money wise).

And we broke up in Sep because I felt he didn't 'get it'.

Things improed greatly after that but I feel like I'm right back to thinking 'for all your talk of the future you sure aren't doing anything to make your way there are you'?

I've started volunteering whilst job hunting for the experience, learning to drive, saving up.

He still hasn't re-started his lessons, despite saying he would a year ago and wants a new job but isn't really looking.

He is great most of the time but I do wonder if the other 5% is still enough for me to throw the towel in. I don't want to waste my 20s in him tbh if that's the case. But I don't know.

Thank you.

It feels worth it atm for the support (he is great for that) and because he does make me happy most of the time. We've ironed out a lot of the initial problems.

I just feel like he went back on it all last night IYSWIM?

I dunno, orchard. I don't get the'getting drunk is disrespectful to me' bit. He's young, he's out once a year getting that drunk. Just because you don't do it doesn't mean he can't. Once a year? Maybe he should stay over at a mates, next year, stay out of your way. And just because you have a cold doesn't mean he should change his plans? Your plans are for a nice quiet weekend, his plans were obviously set up to a year ago. Why is it all about what you want? OK you are I'll, and have ongoing medical issues, but that doesn't mean you both do what you want.
In not being harsh, I'm really trying to see what the problem is. You say he a nice guy most of the time, good with Your ds. Leave him to sleep, go out. Is a long weekend, surely you can do stuff as a family as well.
( must admit, the 'drinking next to a canal' made me too- you are not his mother. Stop mothering him. He's old enough to look after himself.

I mean getting so drunk you don't remember getting home. That's how drunk he was last year.

I already have one kid, I don't want to be wondering if he's going to take a dive in the early hours IYSWIM? I don't want to be his 'mother'. He's 27, surely he should know by now when he's had too much (his defense last year was that he can't stand up to peer pressure).

I get pissed sometimes, so do most people. I manage not to blackout though.

It's the fact he wants me to mother him that pissess me off the most.

He asked me to text him once an hour in the evening to check he's not too pissed. I mean fgs, I have better things to do on a weekend eve

Yes, it's not often but it doesn't make it less annoying.

(I said I didn't want to btw. And that surely he'll know if he's approaching blackout-drunk and go home, to which he said 'well hopefully my friends will take me home if I get that drunk').

Forgot to add he lives in a dodgy neighbourhood. He was mugged last year along that path and mutual friend has been beaten up there so it's not an estate I'd fancy walking through at night sober

But then that's partly because I'm fairly short and female I suppose. He is a lot bigger but it's still a bit stupid tbh.

He turned up drunk on your doorstep in the middle of the night and next expected to be welcomed with open arms and allowed to crash out and disrupt your weekend? And you're ill?
Sod that for a game of soldiers. Wake him up, throw him out, tell him 'don't call me, I'll call you' and give the room a good airing.
Then plan some nice relaxing things to do with your DS for the long weekend.
You already have one child, you don't need another.

Orchard, I'm 40s and occasionally don't remember coming home! Usually at friends rather than pub, but I don't think it is disrespectful to me partner. And you were the one who mentioned the canal, but you say you don't want to mother him? I think you are mothering him, regardless.
You have had to grow up and be responsible, due to ds and your previous relationship. He hasn't. He might do, when/if you live together. He might not, some men never grow up to be responsible. But to be honest, to want someone who is home every day, never has fun, never goes out with mates even once a year, spend all free time with you - that does not sound like a happy relationship either. At your ages, you should be having fun, together and separately.
Do you ever go out and have a fun night, like most 20 somethings? Don't you ever go out all night?

to want someone who is home every day, never has fun, never goes out with mates even once a year, spend all free time with you - that does not sound like a happy relationship either

Hell no that is not what I want. However I also don't want someone to just rock up at mine at stupid o clock, pissed as a fart and reeking.

I actually love having the chance to go out. Happens about once a month or so. We do go out together and drink. Just not drinking games from 3pm onwards etc. Not my cuppa. And I see my friends at least once a week in the eve too so I'm not some clingy PITA.

You already have a child, you don't need another - Amen, actually. It's not mothering to be worried about your partner getting hurt, surely? I get what you mean but I'd really rather not. I wish I'd not heard my phone, as then I'd be having the lovely saturday morning with DS that I planned. We're off out in abit anyway but it's fucked me right off tbh.

It is pretty disrespectful to turn up at that sort of time in that sort of state in my opinion. Each to their own but I can't pretend I'm fine with it, though I'm waiting for him to sober up and finish his weekend before I bother to say anything. Not worth it this weekend.

I think a lot of posters seem to be missing the fact that you don't live together, you weren't expecting him over that night, and it was 4.30 in the bloody morning.
And he knew you were ill and needed your rest.
It's just selfish little boy behaviour. Don't stand for it OP.

Don't be a martyr about it though OP. Wake him up, kick him out and get on with your weekend. You had been looking forward to some time with your son, don't let this selfish idiot spoil your plans, get them back on track.

Thanks. Im off out in a minute. Will leave a note. My phone is on the brink and it'll save any extra 'drama'

He's not "young". He's a fully grown man.

Lots of people his age have responsible jobs and families.

If he was 17 I might wait for him to grow up, not at 27. And I'm saying this in my 40s.

Stop mothering him and teaching him and take him at face value. You shouldn't have to keep maintaining boundaries or teach him. You want a man who is already most of the things you expect and might only need an occasional gentle nudge.

It's not wrong to want a partner who stays at home most of the time, btw. If you do (although I don't think that's the issue here), it's your preference. You just need to take it or leave it.

But, orchard, you say you don't want to mother him, but then mention the canal, and the rough area. Are you saying he can go out to a pub approved by you, in a naice area? He is not to get too drunk, mind.?
Surely he knows this pub is by a canal? And someone you know got mugged in that area? He is 27!
And this asking you to phone/text every hour - that is placing responsibility for his drinking onto you. What you should have said is 'no, it's your responsibility to monitor your own drinking, not mine. If you get blind drunk, fall in the canal or get mugged, that is your fault.'
Yes he is not a child, but at the moment he only has himself to look out for. No kids, no wife, no mortgage, maybe he will grow up when he has these.
Next year I suggest you tell him to go out, have fun, see him sometime the next day. Don't let him come back to yours, or if you are living together by then, he is to go to a mates, of a hotel/b&b or something.

"His mum thinks I'm a saint..."

Another red flag staring at you right there. She probably also thinks you're a sucker like she was, she may well be glad that you are there to look after him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. And please for the love of God do not move in. Infact I'd be looking to end this on the grounds you are not fundamentally compatible.

This man reads more and more like a 27 year old manchild; you have a child already and you do not need another one!. You sound far more responsible than he has been or ever will be for that matter.

What is your bottom line Orchard Keeper; we get what we put up with. You do not have to put up with this at all. Are you really on some level just putting up with this because this person is nowhere near as bad as your ex?. Less bad does not equate to being better; it just means less bad. This man is not and has never been your project to rescue and or save.

I don't see it as a massive deal myself. Maybe a few stern words but that's all. I think you were right when you said it prob seemed worse as you're not feeling 100% yourself.

I wouldn't say his mum saying your a saint is a red flag, that's what my mum says about DP!

Captain, you're reading it wrong. Orchard was justifying why he wanted to go to hers because of where he lives. She didn't want him to or offer to. I don't see the mothering there.