I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off ) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between'

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

I know but he has a week off next week and DS is at nursery and he's expecting for us to spend every day together because he's away a lot this month after that. I won't be able to sit in the same room as him for long without it being obvious. I'm rubbish at faking 'being ok' and he'll want to know what's wrong etc. It's just best we have a good talk asap really. He often reacts badly to 'talks' anyway (very defensive and loud to the point of it being almost pointless at times though he's gotten much better this last year) so I'd rather just get it over and done with and then let the dust settle once I'm better.

Oh and thank you

he pays rent like an adult etc.

He's in for a shock if he leaves home, then. :)

That "rent" not only is cheap for use of the house, but it also includes utility bills and food, plus cleaning, washing and lifts.

Honestly, I would be past the discussion stage.
I'd be telling him why I'm ending the relationship.
And I'd be having the discussion away from home, so that you could walk out at any time.

I did not like this part He often reacts badly to 'talks' anyway (very defensive and loud to the point of it being almost pointless at times

Even though he has got better (when facing the risk of being dumped) it is a red flag.

'he pays rent like an adult'

That simply doesn't wash, because there are tons of people who pay rent (or mortgage) AND do all the stuff for themselves (washing, cooking, getting themselves around) that his parents help him with. I am one of them, and so are you. So he's still doing less than most functioning adults, and he's kidding himself to say otherwise.

Plus, does his logic mean that if he moved in with you and paid a share of the rent, it would be ok for him to leave all the other stuff to you, as he does with his parents - and as he does now, in letting you cook for him etc? I would be very wary of that.

Thanks for all the advice.

We had a good talk. He wasn't defensive and let me say my bit. I told him I felt I had to avoid talking about the health issues to spare him dicomfort despite needing to vent about it sometimes. I told him I don't want to/won't become his taxi driver when I pass, or housemaid if we move in and that I'd expect him to help out as much as possible if we were to ever have this child he says he really wants. I told him I'll only give it 5 years and wouldn't consider a DC after that. It's too big an age gap for me. I told him he needs to start cooking here or eat at home before he comes over. I asked him if he'd expect to do the same amount of hobbies/nights away if we had a DC and he said no. He also said he'd be happy to watch DS for me some evenings here at mine so I can meet up with friends. He apologized a lot for fri/sat morning and said he was really embarassed. He also said he's been embarassed about his own living arrangements but jokes about it to try and make it feel less crap (hmmm, not sure I totally believe that but hey ho).

I said I'll give it a few months. We'll both be learning to drive, he'll be actively looking for work and we'll be saving up bits here and there. I gave him the few months things because I said you have to understand that from where I'm standing, I've heard you say all these things before more or less and it's not enough on it's own.

I wasn't trying to manipulate him with an ultimatum/control him etc before anyone jumps on that. I said if he honestly doesn't think that's agreeable to just say & we could just call it a day.

I did also say I wouldn't consider moving in (and certainly not adding a child to the mix) until things were very different and I was more financially independant, so if things were to go tits up I wouldn't be back to square one. I wouldn't make myself that vulnerable after reading threads on here where women with a DC(s) get left in the lurch

Op I think you have handled this well

Many people rush into living together and having dc and I think it's wise that you are not doing this. I don't think you have been manipulative, you have just told him what you want and need!

Thank you.

Well I went through a horrible, difficult time with DS and his dad (I fell pregnant accidentally, to a bloke that I didn't know would turn out to be awful as he'd been a friend for 2 years previously).

I don't plan on being a single parent to 2 children so would never risk it unless I really really believed it was very unlikely to happen, which if I'm honest, I can't say I do at the moment so I wouldn't until things were very different. Nice bloke or not

I really appreciate this thread though. I needed to talk it out somewhere and the opinions from outside the relationship/friends who are biased really helped

I think a lot of the time parents don't help their grown up children when they still do everything for them. I think this often starts when they are children too with being given little responsibility and not learning to do things for theirselves. My oh is quite like that.
His mother would do everything for her dc.
Living with him has made me keen to train my dc to be helpful around the house particularly my boys! I don't want them growing up and expecting their partners to clean up after them, make all their meals and do their washing!
I wonder if your other half has always had mummy do everything for him!

He has. That's the main issue.

I don't want to be replacing his mum and have just made it clear I won't be IYSWIM? In case there was any room for doubt And that I'm not entirely happy with the way things have 'slipped' lately either, in that I seem to be doing a lot for him now too.

He was much more understanding about it than I expected and said he doesn't care if we start off very skint etc.

And his dad and mum have that dynamic but I wouldn't be happy like that at all. And I'm always making DS tidy up after himself at the end of the day, 'cook' with me, carry shopping (tiny bags and he thinks it's fun so I'm not being a meanie! ) etc as it's what my mum did with us and me and my DB are both very independent, can cook plenty of easy meals, know how to keep a house clean, budget etc. I personally feel they're all important life skills that I want DS to have before he ever moves out. Each to their own but he's my DC and it'd be pointless trying to teach him not to rely on others/be self sufficient if my own relationship/household dynamic didn't reflect that. Doesn't really send a good message IYSWIM. We'll see where we are in 6 months or so anyway!

They are important life skills your right!

I am still trying to train my oh and it's a slog!

Ah the parents.

You know, my exH and his twin are quite different. ExH would make his own breakfast, iron his clothes and cook. Unlike his twin who let his mother do all for him.

But he also got lazy and common lowest denominator, ad he'd have been happy living off benefits (although he did hold two jobs when I met him).

He told you he didn't mind living in poverty. Listen to him.

Orchard, it sounds as though he says enough of the the right things to sustain the relationship, but never changes anything about his own behaviour. He seems to have it all ways - cheap rent, no responsibilities, vast amounts of time indulging hobbies, and all the significant people in his life at his beck and call providing beds, lifts, meals and services. He may be nice but he sounds bloody self centred and lazy.

If you want to have to feed, clean up after, and be up in the night dealing with another being , you might as well get a dog. And at least the dog wouldn't use porn.

I know. I'm not letting myself believe it all completely. Been there done that!

I'm giving it six months. If we're still in the same place it doesn't matter what he says, I'll be stepping out. I've told him this and if nothing changes then at least I'll feel 100% certain in my choice.

Well from today onwards I'm not cooking for him or doing anything else that makes me feel like his mum/skivvy. As I said to him yesterday, he doesn't live with me so why should I! Feed yourself before you come over or make yourself something here if you're contributing a bit.

Oh and if it looks like he's really not bothering at all then I'll finish it before but we'll see. I have a lot coming up in the next few months and don't need any extra stress on top of it if it can be helped.

Good on you op!

I don't think you need to wait 6 months - if he hasn't picked up the phone and booked driving lessons within the next week you probably have your answer.........

As I said to him yesterday, he doesn't live with me so why should I!

I think he's getting some mixed messages here. Even if he WAS living with you, why should you? He needs to learn to pick up after himself, irrespective of his living arrangements. That sounded a bit "jam tomorrow" for me - ie. pull your socks up for a bit, then when you move in I'll take over from your Mum.

But well done for having the talk.

I did say I wouln't do any of it if we lived together and only fell into doing it because he finished work so early and was always around at that time so I felt I couldn't not^ feed him if he was over for the rest of that day/eve anyway.

I know what you mean though. I'm still not 100% convinced he wouldn't be a slob if we lived together, unless I nagged him all the time (and I don't need that). But we'll see. I have no intentions of moving anywhere for a year or so yet due to DS's health issues/him not being in school yet etc.

Its good to talk about it.

Is it really worth all this hassle though?

relationship shouldn't be so much hard work all the time.

And men don't change because you have a talk, generally.

Of course I hope it all works out for you.

Glad to see you are taking action - you deserve better than to settle for just being convenient .

The after work issue is easy to resolve. If he wants to sleep he goes to his house. 7am starts are not that exceptional and most people don't get a 3 hour kip on someone else's sofa after work. If he comes round he can play with DS ( which it sounds like DS is hoping for) , or he can make everyone's dinner, or he can help with housework /bedtime/bath time. I reckon that just taking steps to change this issue will give you an idea of his level of commitment.

7am starts are not that exceptional and most people don't get a 3 hour kip on someone else's sofa after work.

Actually, this is a really good point. For anyone with tiny children, 6am, 5am or 4.30am (thanks DS1!) starts are not uncommon and there is no let up until the little blighters treasures are safely tucked up in bed. Does your BF even have the stamina for family life?