I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off ) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between'

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

There's a lot there about him and what he says and what he thinks and what he wants.

That's the thing. On paper (or MN) it does look pretty shit but he is pretty lovely despite all that (when he's not feeling sorry for himself...it has always been horrid to be ill at the same time as him etc).

But I don't know how long that can outshine the rest of it. I don't want a boyfriend forever. I want a partner. He says the same but it's not as convincing anymore.

I do love him but don't like him lately.

Honestly, if I were you I'd knock this relationship on the head.

He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a selfish and rather immature one. Move on, as amicably as you can.

What are you going to do about it?

Attilla thanks.

I do feel like he's become a project and I don't have the time or space for that ever right now. I just want to get on with things. Train myself up a bit more, get a better job myself (and I damn well will), pass my driving test and move out of this tiny bungalow. And that will happen. But I don't know if he'd actually be in the same place by that time yet or not.

This is almost exactly what happened in September last year when we split for a while. But of course he was so so sorry and would changed etc etc. I feel pretty foolish actually thinking about it but then I'm only young myself and I should just chalk it up to 'experience' I guess!

I have a lot coming up. My grandad had a stroke recently and is likely to die within the next year or so, I have the LLETZ and another biopsy, and an appnt with a gastro bloke to try and find out where the other pain is coming from and i'm trying to maintain my MH after a nasty relapse last year which put me in hospital for a week. I can't afford much more stress on top of it tbh.

I'm just coasting atm and seeing where it goes as I'm worried a break up would still mean extra stress. It's hard to tell from the inside!

I also feel rough as hell which isn't helping so I'm trying to not make any decisions on the spot. I cannot wait for this bastardy cold to pass

You're very welcome.

I was going to ask you what you learnt about relationships whilst you were growing up. That thorny question also deserves your consideration.

Do not make him your project to rescue and or save; he has never been your project. Have a look at the relationship website called Baggage reclaim; that may help you as well.

I think you've already outgrown this person; this man still has many years of growing up to do and with his parents at his back he likely never will do so. Also his own parents have made things easier for him so he has no real incentive to alter his current behaviour, why should he as he feels he has it made?.

His parents have not helped him at all:-
"It is cushy for him as his dad gives him lifts everywhere and his mum picks up after him".

You do not absolutely want or have to carry on where his parents have left off.

My mum was a single parent after leaving my horribly abusive dad (never witnessed much thankfully). And she stayed single most of that time besides a 5yr relationship. She never stayed with anyone she was unhappy with and took crap from no one. But she's much 'louder'/outspoken than me.

I have broken up with people for far less but then I've never stayed with someone more than 1yr besides DP and it's hard not to think 'well I put this time in so shouldn't give up easily' etc.

All his friends besides 1 have alright jobs, live alone/with a partner and drive. I always feel painfully aware of it at events, which is horrible of me but it's hard not too when he's the exception. I don't know why I thought it was temporary. I think because he said he disliked it and would get around to it all fairly soon etc? Pfft who knows.

Also, when I pass my test, I think he'll expect me to be a 2nd taxi after his dad. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell...

it's hard not to think 'well I put this time in so shouldn't give up easily' etc.

But the damage has already been done.

The above that you describe is the sunken costs fallacy.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defence against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

He sounds like hard work now you've described his habits in more detail. I would tell him you're tired of having to be the responsible one and to come back when he's grown up.

That is how it feels.

It's sucking the life out of me atm.

I don't want to police the bloke or tutor him either. It's not something I want, especially right now.

I do believe in giving people a second chance, but he's had that, after you broke up last year, and he's slipping back to old ways.

Be honest with him. You've got a lot going on, you haven't the time, energy or inclination to mother someone.

I felt great whilst we were apart. I missed the good bits but I just had to worry about myself and d s. He was so sorry and begged for another chance You never know do you? It just feels like a repeat, as sad as it feels

He may have been sorry then, but he hasn't actually done a lot to change his ways in the meantime. Coming round at 4am is not the biggest thing but it's part of a pattern of lots of selfish and lazy actions that cumulatively wear you down. I would tell him it's not working out. You need to be able to put yourself and your DS first.

Did I read correctly that he lives at home with his mum and dad and his dad drives him everywhere?
This doesn't sound like a good bet for a life partner. He should fly the nest first before he builds a new home.

Tbh he sounds like a bit of a loser.

Does he pay anything towards your household or does he just turn up for a shag and to get fed on your dime?

I bet you can do so much better.

He is just not as grown up as you

He's 27 FGS!

Yes wildbill

I feel like I've just been slapped by reality and have spent most of this weekend thinking about how much I've started resenting him for doing whatever he wants. He asks in advance if I mind about certain things/plans etc but in that sort of 'I'm telling you but just dressing it up like you get a say'. He'll have already agreed to it but is just double checking, so if I say it's a bit much on top of football, hockey, guy's night and hobby night then that makes me the baddy IYSWIM?

And getting a sitter for DS needs at least a week's notice, which means 99% of the time I can't do anything instead, besides stay in. If I'm lucky I can get a friend to come round on short notice but usually they're in the same boat as me (ie mostly single parents).

I guess I naively believed all the family stuff he says (I think he believes all that stuff he comes out with tbf but just doesn't have any oomph to act on it, especially when he has no incentive to) and I didn't think I'd still be essentially a lone parent after 2 years. I wouldn't have singed up for this if I had.

If that's how he wants to live, fine. It's not terrible and he's not a bastard. But he's kidding himself if he thinks I'll be mum number 2. I already resent him so much lately. It would multiply by 10 if we moved in together. I don't mind being stuck in alone when I'm single. That's life as an LP and I managed for 1 1/2 years before him just fine. But I don't want to be stuck in alone when I bloody live with someone.

Hockey festival finishes on sunday (but he's busy monday day with a hobby, ha) but I'll see him monday eve and have a talk.

Thanks for the advice, replies. Good and bad.

And I'm sick of feeling like a needy killjoy. I'm not normally so 'emotional' and am very self sufficient. And actually, it's been 2 years. I know what I want and have set that in motion. He knows what he might like at some point in the future but that's looking further and further away.

Did have a lovely evening with a friend though. I haven't laughed that much in what feels like ages.

And she let me offoad a bit about my worries re. my upcoming pre-cancer treatment (I'm dreading it as having legs in stirrups & needles around that area brings back well buried memories of DS's birth), my grandad and a few other bits. P finds it all very uncomfortable and plays it down/tells me to just stop worrying instead of just listening.

When I said I needed to go to the dr because I'd been bleeding inbetween periods for a year and was getting pain he said it was OTT. When they sent me for a colpscopy he said it'd be fine and I was being silly (I had a very strong feeling that things weren't right down there in some way, seeing as it's my body that I'm pretty used to by now) and when I got the letter and was pretty shocked his first reaction was worrying about getting pregnant in the future, nothing else.

I just feel like whenever I bring up anything I feel is important, it's minimized to save him the discomfort IYSWIM. This happens with most big things, not just health stuff. So I feel like I'm not allowed to just be upset at times or worried. I'm no drama queen but if something crap does happen, I just want to be able to react to it naturally without worrying about making him uncomfortable/him dissmissing it

Rant over anyway. It's been a long weekend

I know someone who divorced her husband for not supporting her through cancer.
And that is not supporting.
You were in a relationship while ill, but he was not really supportive, was it?

I suppose not. I was just well aware that some people might've left. So much happened healthwise and MH wise that I was just glad I wasn't alone tbh. But I do actually have a few good friends who were all more helpfull and supportive. He does do hugs etc. He just can't stand to talk about it for very long. But sometimes that's what I need. I'd do the same for him even if it upset me.

And tbh I'd have helped out much more around the house/with DS if the tables were turned and he'd had those sorts of procedures that day etc but then he's not been really unsupportive so it's hard to pull him up on it without sounding ungrateful. But i'll bring it up when we talk. I'm just laying it all on the table now really. He's already had one chance. What did he expect if not much changed?

Why can't he do the hockey thing? You sound very bossy. Like his mum